* A Project Gutenberg Canada Ebook * This ebook is made available at no cost and with very few restrictions. These restrictions apply only if (1) you make a change in the ebook (other than alteration for different display devices), or (2) you are making commercial use of the ebook. If either of these conditions applies, please check gutenberg.ca/links/licence.html before proceeding. This work is in the Canadian public domain, but may be under copyright in some countries. If you live outside Canada, check your country's copyright laws. IF THE BOOK IS UNDER COPYRIGHT IN YOUR COUNTRY, DO NOT DOWNLOAD OR REDISTRIBUTE THIS FILE. Title: The Improper Duchess. A modern comedy in three acts. Author: Fagan, James Bernard (1873-1933) Date of first publication: 1931 Edition used as base for this ebook: London: Victor Gollancz, December 1932 [Famous Plays of 1931] [seventh impression; first published August 1931] Date first posted: 7 November 2011 Date last updated: 7 November 2011 Project Gutenberg Canada ebook #881 This ebook was produced by: Barbara Watson, Mark Akrigg & the Online Distributed Proofreading Canada Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net THE IMPROPER DUCHESS JAMES B. FAGAN THE IMPROPER DUCHESS _A MODERN COMEDY IN THREE ACTS_ _Copyright in U.S.A. 1931 by James Bernard Fagan All rights reserved_ _To_ The First Lady of the Land-- The Statue of Liberty "_The Improper Duchess_" was produced under the management of Maurice Browne at the Empire Theatre, Southampton, on January 12th, 1931, and opened on January 22nd at the Globe Theatre, London. _Characters in order of their appearance_ Count Seidel FRANK COCHRANE Milton Lee GRANVILLE FERRIER Captain Olven CLAUDE WHINNEY Baron Kamp EUGENE LEAHY J. Montgomery Curtis GEORGE F. IDE Miss Cutting RUTH PETERSON Augustus X (King of Poldavia) FRANK CELLIER Erasmus JAMES SOLOMON Myrom B. Garcia ANDREA MALANDRINO Willis Macabe HARRY J. CLIFFORD H.H. The Duchess of Tann YVONNE ARNAUD Baroness Kamp ANNIE ESMOND Miss Mamie Hatch JULIE SUEDO Senator Bernard J. Corcoran HARTLEY POWER Rev. Adam B. Macadam JOHN LAURIE Gunning WINIFRED OUGHTON The Play produced and the Settings designed by the Author PERSONS OF THE PLAY AUGUSTUS X, _King of Poldavia_ BARON KAMP COUNT SEIDEL CAPTAIN OLVEN SENATOR BERNARD J. CORCORAN REV. ADAM B. MACADAM MILTON LEE J. MONTGOMERY CURTIS MYROM B. GARCIA WILLIS MACABE ERASMUS H.H. THE DUCHESS OF TANN BARONESS KAMP MISS MAMIE HATCH MISS CUTTING GUNNING _The Place_: Washington, D.C., U.S.A. _The Period_: During the next Presidency _The Action_: Covers twenty-six hours SCENES ACT I Library at the Poldavian Embassy ACT II The Duchess's Room at the Paradise Hotel ACT III Same as Act I ACT I SCENE: _The Poldavian Embassy in Washington. The Ambassador's study. Three lofty French windows in the back wall which runs obliquely away from the audience R. to L. Outside, a terrace and glimpses of white houses through trees. Upstage in the wall R. a small door which leads through to the Chancelry. Upstage in the wall L. large double doors leading through a reception room to the other apartments. Below the doors a fireplace above which hangs a large portrait of a stout youngish man, in uniform. Other pictures and photos, groups of men, statesmen, and a few imposing ladies. At right angles to it and above the fireplace a large sofa. In front of centre window a large desk with chair on its left, a long stool on its right, and a round stool at the end next footlights, R. a round table._ _A bright morning in late spring._ _At the round table R., front, four men are seated. An empty chair faces the audience, on the right of this sits_ MILTON LEE, _President of the International Oil Co., a long lean man any age over fifty. When he speaks, which is seldom, his voice is a hard slow nasal drawl and his face never moves a muscle. On his right sits_ J. MONTGOMERY CURTIS, _first Vice-President of I.O.C., a big, florid, fleshy, well-groomed, well-dressed, spectacled product of American business and American culture. He does the talking. Left of the empty chair sits the Poldavian Ambassador_, BARON KAMP, _distinguished but pompous, about forty-five, and risen from the chair on his left_ COUNT SEIDEL _is bending over the Ambassador's chair and reading the bulky document that lies before them--a counterpart of which_ MONTGOMERY CURTIS _is reading, while_ LEE _sits giving an imitation of the Sphinx chewing the end of a perfect cigar. The_ COUNT _is an elderly man, looks something of a roué, quick, humorous, and in the position of first secretary carries the brains of the establishment. The table is covered with documents, large and small. A little behind them on the left a wheeled stand with a sheaf of maps, and an attaché standing by to turn them and take notes._ CAPTAIN OLVEN, _a fat, pleasant young man, is naval attaché, but the Poldavian Navy consisting of six river gunboats, his work is commercial_. _There is a longish pause after the curtain rises, while the three men read_, SEIDEL _bending forward occasionally to note with a marginal finger certain passages for his chief_. SEIDEL (_raising his eyes_): Another cigar, Mr. Lee? (_He pushes the box towards him, and resumes reading._) [_After a pause_ LEE _takes the stump from his mouth, puts it in the ash-tray deliberately, slowly evolves a cigar from the silver and tissue wrappings, bites the end and turning slowly ejects it. As he puts the cigar in his mouth_ OLVEN _is beside him with a lighted match which he ignores, taking a lighter from his pocket. When his cigar is alight, he blows a long puff and drawls without turning_. LEE: Always burn oil. OLVEN (_smiling_): In Poldavia lighters are illegal--we have a match tax. [_He retires._ MONTGOMERY CURTIS _turns the last page, the Ambassador follows suit a few moments later. When_ CURTIS _finishes reading he sits drumming the fingers of one hand, while with a pencil in the other he marks the notes he has made on a sheet of paper_. KAMP (_as he finishes reading_): Yes--yes---- CURTIS: Now, Mr. Ambassador--just one point with regard to Option A--marked blue on the map. [OLVEN _points to it; all look at the map except_ LEE. By the terms of the concession, the International Oil Co. is granted a seven years' option on the blue territory A at the specified figure. It will take three years, according to the reports of our engineers, before the boring of the oil-bearing tracts in the main concession is completed. We may never want to take up Option A. Besides, it hasn't been prospected--not properly. We don't know yet that there's enough oil there to make it pay. SEIDEL: Oil! (_Laughing_) We know _now_ that the whole of the district on that map is probably the richest oil-bearing country in Europe. CURTIS: Maybe yes. We know there's oil on the other side--that green section---- KAMP: That is the royal hunting forest, Mr. Curtis. CURTIS: Yes, I know, but for an option on that we could pay a very big price. SEIDEL: I shouldn't like to suggest it to his Majesty--I might have my head chopped off. (_Laughing._) CURTIS: No one can sit on oil--it's bursting to come up and serve humanity. KAMP (_glancing at the clock_): I am afraid his Majesty is very late, gentlemen. CURTIS: Well, well, it's pleasant to find that royalty is only human. LEE: I thought punctuality was the politeness of kings. SEIDEL: His Majesty has been flying for three weeks. That has probably disturbed his sense of time. [LEE _grunts_. CURTIS: That notion of flying the tour was certainly fine. Whose idea was that? KAMP: The Duchess of Tann's. CURTIS: We had the trip all lined up on the railroads, but of course this made us a back number. SEIDEL: An hour after they landed the Duchess said to me: "We could not be seen by the whole of America unless we could fly--we must travel by air." LEE: Bully for her! SEIDEL: In twenty-four hours the whole of the arrangements were altered, and his Majesty, taking only two equerries, the Duchess, her lady-in-waiting, and maid, started on what must certainly be the most remarkable royal progress on record. Boston, Buffalo, Detroit, Chicago, St. Louis, Cincinnati, San Francisco, Hollywood, Kansas City, New Orleans, Pittsburg, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and Washington! It was an inspiration--and the newspapers red hot all the time! (_Chuckling._) LEE: I'll say it was the greatest advertising stunt in my time--put Poldavia on the map, I guess it may even put the Poldavian Loan on the market. SEIDEL (_sharply_): May? KAMP: What do you mean, Mr. Lee, by "may even"? SEIDEL: The flotation of the Poldavian Loan is one of the conditions of the concession. The two instruments are due for signature to-morrow--simultaneously. CURTIS: Yes, yes, yes, that will be all right--the bankers have agreed. There are one or two minor points---- [_Loud cheering is heard down the street, accompanied by hand-clapping and a chorus of Klaxon horns._ KAMP (_relieved_): Ah! His Majesty at last. (_He rises._) [OLVEN _has also risen and stepped through the open window on to the terrace._ OLVEN: It's not his Majesty, sir. KAMP: Oh! OLVEN: No, sir, it's the Alcazar Theatre in the next block. Raymond Trix, Personal Stellar appearance of, at the matinée of his new epic film _Just a Man_! [_More frenzied cheers and Klaxons; as they subside_ OLVEN _comes in, saying in an awed_ sotto voce: Mr. Trix is now entering the vestibule! LEE'S _repressed grin now bursts into laughter in which first_ SEIDEL _and then_ KAMP _join_. CURTIS _wears a sour smile_. CURTIS: Painful lack of the sense of proportion. KAMP: I had forgotten, Mr. Lee, you manufacture your own kings in America now. (_Sitting._) LEE: Sure--and can them for export. SEIDEL (_chuckling_): Good--very good! Now, Mr. Curtis, these minor points in connection with the Poldavian National Loan? CURTIS: Yes. (_Taking up a small brochure_) Just read through that first page and see if anything strikes you. (_He hands it to_ SEIDEL _and takes up another copy himself_.) [_There is a knock at the door R._ OLVEN: Come in. (_Going toward the door._) [MISS CUTTING, _a pert, pretty blonde stenographer comes in and meets_ OLVEN _half way_. _She says something to him which the audience do not hear._ OLVEN (_firmly_): He can't--the Ambassador is busy. MISS CUTTING: It's the fourth time he's phoned. OLVEN: Tell him he must give a message. MISS CUTTING: I've _told_ him that--he says it's _impossible_. (_Her voice reaches the high C of despair on the two words._) KAMP: What is the matter? (_Looking round lazily._) OLVEN (_coming down_): It's Mr. Garcia, the proprietor of the Paradise Hotel. He wants to speak to you personally, sir. KAMP: No, no, no, I am too busy--he must give a message. [OLVEN _turns to_ MISS CUTTING, _who goes out with a despairing shrug_. KAMP: He is so excited that his Majesty stays at his hotel--I think he has a little lost his balance. OLVEN: Temperamental at the best of times, sir. CURTIS (_as_ SEIDEL _looks up_): Well? SEIDEL: No. CURTIS: Just listen. The proposal is to issue Poldavian National Bonds to the amount of two hundred million dollars on Wall Street, about the middle of October, bearing interest at six per cent. (_He breaks off, then resumes, reading quickly_) "General Purposes of the loan: It is proposed to modernise and extend the present railroad system of the country, adding nearly one-third to its mileage. New roads are badly needed. Works projected on the two principal rivers will give the country a supply of cheap electricity. (_With emphasis_) And _lastly_, in the vital interest of security, it is understood that a sum not exceeding fifty per cent, of the loan, is to be devoted to the military establishment." Mr. Ambassador--that "lastly" must come right out. KAMP (_excitedly_): No, no, no, that is not possible. SEIDEL: It is for the army that we _need_ the loan. LEE: You won't get it for the army. SEIDEL: The portion of the loan for the home market is called "The Security Loan." Without that it would fall flat. Security is life to us. CURTIS: No doubt. But you have got to realise the curious mentality of the great peace-loving American people. They will make you all the war munitions you like to pay for with your own money, but they won't lend you a cent of their money to spend on fighting--no, sir, that's crime against humanity. LEE: Wall Street is the palace of peace--it don't stand for anything with guns in it. SEIDEL: What are we to do--go to Chicago? CURTIS: You can do anything you like in this country so you don't get it talked about--and I guess it's the same in yours. KAMP: In all countries. CURTIS: Put one word of war in your prospectus and every parson, pacifist, and bootlegger in the States will be after you. No, talk of education, national health schemes, police even, and you'll get all you want. You can camouflage its destination afterwards. LEE: You can always eat your cake and have it--if you know how. [ERASMUS _appears at the double doors L._ ERASMUS: His Majesty is just arriving, your Excellency. [KAMP _and_ SEIDEL _rise hurriedly_. KAMP: Pray excuse me, gentlemen--we shall be with you again in a moment. [_They go out L._ CURTIS _rises and strolls across to the fireplace, looking at the portrait which hangs over it._ CURTIS: who painted that portrait of his Majesty? OLVEN: Maincz, our great portrait painter. His Majesty was fatter then. CURTIS: So I observe. [_A knock on the door R._ MISS CUTTING _entering_: MISS CUTTING: Mr. Garcia on the phone again--I shall go plumb crazy--will you speak to him--please? OLVEN: Very well. (_To the others_) Forgive me a moment. [_He goes out with her._ CURTIS (_as he lights a cigarette_): His Majesty will be fatter again, when he gets all that's coming to him from this deal. LEE: Sure--if his head don't get too fat, and start him fighting somebody. CURTIS: Don't worry, the Duchess will sit on all that kind of bunk. LEE: I'll be glad to meet this dame. CURTIS: I had a good many talks with her when I was over there in January. She certainly bosses the King and her husband--of course over there everyone knows she is his Majesty's _chère amie_. LEE: His----? Oh, you mean his "cutie"--sure I knew that all right. Who was she anyhow? CURTIS: A celebrated comic opera _divette_, Illyona Ferencz. After his queen died three years ago, "Toutou" married the lady to his Chancellor--in the interests of morality. LEE (_chuckling_): And the husband ain't jealous? CURTIS (_shaking his head_): Not that kind of man. His Highness the Duke of Tann belongs to one of the oldest families in Poldavia-- constitutionally indifferent to women. (_Throws his cigarette into the fireplace and comes towards the table_) A wise-cracker over there described the marriage as "an alliance defensive and offensive." [LEE _chuckles_. Anyhow we've got to keep right with her. She's the Poldavian Pompadour. LEE: Say, son, your education sure makes my brain tired--I don't get these French words. CURTIS (_laughing_): Well, Pompadour was a swell vamp---- LEE: Shutt!! [_The double doors L. open. The_ KING _of Poldavia enters with_ BARON KAMP, COUNT SEIDEL _follows. The_ KING, _a youngish man, about thirty-five, wears a light grey tweed lounge suit and carries his right arm slung in a black silk handkerchief. He is decidedly inclined to flesh, but bronzed and pleasant-looking, with an easy smile which has made him popular. He speaks English fairly well, but with a full deep-toned foreign accent. He laughs a lot, a rather hollow laugh on one note._ KAMP: Your Majesty, let me present to you Mr. Milton Lee, President of the International Oil Co. KING: I have long time looked forward to making your acquaintance, Mr. Lee. LEE: Glad to meet your Majesty. KAMP: Mr. Montgomery Curtis you have met. KING: Delighted to meet you again, Mr. Curtis. CURTIS: Very pleased to see your Majesty looking so well. KING: I trust, gentlemen, we are to have the pleasure of meeting more often in the future. You must come to Poldavia, Mr. Lee. LEE: Well, I guess I'm a home bird, your Majesty, but I might. (_Suddenly pointing to his arm_) Say, have you been in a smash up? KING: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! no--no--no--I only suffer a little from the enthusiasm of your welcome. In three weeks I have been violently shaken by thousands of American hands--with the help of massage I stood it as far as Kansas City, but after that, I have to defend myself. (_Indicating the sling_) The Mayor of Kansas! Ho! ho! ho! What a grip!--I thought he had drawn blood. (_Taking his arm from the sling_) But it is not very bad--a precaution--it will give me great pleasure to shake you by the hand. (_He shakes hands with_ LEE.) LEE: I'm being very careful, your Majesty. [_They both laugh._ KING: Well, gentlemen, we have business and I am very late. [SEIDEL _draws back the centre chair for the_ KING, _who sits_. LEE (_sitting_): You certainly are, and I guess the business has gotten through without you. [_The others are seated._ KING: That is how I like it. At home, I say to my Chancellor, "Do not bother me with business, get it done and then tell it to me if you must." Ho! ho! ho! I do not hold with this modern working-man-king idea. Most of my royal cousins--those that are left--they are working from morning till night--business men. It is all wrong. KAMP: Your Majesty is too modest. [OLVEN _returns R._ KING: No, no, the business of a king is to entertain himself, and any of his subjects who are entertaining. Baron, could I have a little something to eat? KAMP: Of course, your Majesty. [OLVEN _comes forward_. KING: Some beer and three or four sandwiches. OLVEN (_going_): Yes, your Majesty. KING: Sandwiches--not American sandwiches. OLVEN: I know, your Majesty. [_Going out L._ KING: Your skyscrapers give me a pain in the neck and your sandwiches give me a pain in the jaw. Ha! ha! ha! CURTIS: You don't like our American food? KING: Oh yes. I am sure it would be very good, if you would give us time to eat it. (_Throwing out his arms_) Oh, the rush of your life!--where are you going to?--and what will it be when you get there? LEE: Well--we're going to Poldavia, and I guess it'll be a pretty smart place when we're through with it. KING (_waving his fingers_): Ah yes! tell me of that--the business? It is all settled? SEIDEL: Everything should be ready for signature to-morrow, your Majesty--if a few minor points---- CURTIS: Yes, could we not have those now, for his Majesty's consideration---- KING: No, no, no business--the Duchess of Tann will attend to it, she is here to represent her husband, my Chancellor. She has a head for business. Let us go over there, I do not like this table--it is like a cabinet meeting. [_He rises and goes to the sofa L. The others are following._ Sit here, Mr. Lee. Be seated, gentlemen. Ah! [_As he stretches himself in the corner of the couch_, LEE _sits on his right_. SEIDEL _places a chair for_ KAMP _R. of couch and remains standing_. CURTIS _sits on stool in front of fireplace_. And so it is all settled. LEE: All O.K. KING: Good, good. My country has always been very poor and very wild. Now they tell me it will be all different. Roads, railways, everywhere; electric light blazing, big buildings, work for everybody, a big army, and money all round--ha! ha! ha!--a little America! Well, so long as you do not spoil my hunting. [_A few moments earlier_ OLVEN _returned with_ ERASMUS, _the coloured butler, bearing a tankard of beer and a small plate of sandwiches on a salver. These he puts on the little table L. of couch and bends forward, placing them in front of the_ KING _as the latter finishes speaking_. Ah!--What a magnificent old negro! (_He pats him on the back as though he were a dog._) You are a patriarch, eh? ERASMUS: Yessuh--your Majesty. I is de oldest servant at de Embassy. KING: What is your name? ERASMUS: Erasmus, your Majesty. KING: A very wise name--thank you, Erasmus. [ERASMUS _bows, smiling, and goes out; the_ KING _takes the tankard_. Gentlemen, I drink to our success, as we say in Poldavia. (_Raising the tankard_) _Svod naya ukesniov!_ [_He drinks nearly the whole tankard in a few gulps._ Good! (_Smacking his lips. Then swallows a sandwich at one mouthful_) Very good! KAMP (_suddenly_): Forgive me, gentlemen--a drink--a cocktail? CURTIS } (_Together_) (_shaking his head_): Thank you. LEE } Never in the morning. KING: After your other towns, Mr. Lee, Washington impresses me as very quiet--(_Waving his arm_)--an atmosphere of---- LEE: Sure, Washington ain't a town, it's a high-hat shop. (_Chuckling._) KING: At other places we are besieged! But here--half a dozen journalists at the aerodrome where we land, a few more at the hotel---- KAMP: Your Majesty's arrival was planned for this morning. KING: That is so. Ho! ho! ho! ho! the Duchess was not so fortunate--two gentlemen came right into her bedroom last night. (_He roars with laughter._) LEE: Gettin' fresh! KING: Ho! ho! ho! ho! but it was all right--they apologise---- CURTIS: I'll say they should. KING: Now this morning I _walk_ here with my _aide de camp_--so pleasant--European! CURTIS: Your Majesty mustn't take that for lack of interest---- KING: Oh! but I like it! CURTIS: We have here all the time the representatives of many sovereigns, and of course our president who is a sort of king---- LEE: I'll say he is. (_Chuckling._) KING: Ah yes, I pay my respects to him at the White House this afternoon--(_to_ KAMP) at what o'clock, Baron? KAMP: At five, your Majesty. [_The_ KING _nods and drinks the rest of his beer_. And of course the President does us the honour to lunch here to-morrow. CURTIS: Certainly a brilliant conclusion to your Majesty's remarkably successful visit. The whole thing has built up to a superlative climax---- LEE (_rising_): And we hope Wall Street will be duly impressed. CURTIS (_looking at his watch_): If your Majesty will excuse us--we have another important conference before lunch---- KING (_rising_): Please, gentlemen, do not stand on ceremony. [CURTIS _and the others rise_, CURTIS _with a pained look at_ LEE. KAMP: You are lunching here at one, gentlemen---- LEE: Sure. CURTIS: And his Majesty has not forgotten he dines with us to-night at the Excelsior---- KING: No, no, I do not forget--they told me--"a stag party with the Oil Kings." Ho! ho! ho! LEE: We'll sure give you time to eat that one--and drink it, oh boy! [OLVEN _opens the doors, the_ KING _accompanies_ LEE, CURTIS _follows with_ KAMP, SEIDEL _last_. KING (_as he goes up_): You have a President of the U.S.A., Mr. Lee--and you are President of the I.O.C., and in other towns I meet all the presidents of the rest of the alphabet. Why do you do that? LEE: I guess it's democracy. KING: In Poldavia I am the King--if I had to meet the Emperor of boot-factory, I should not know whether to laugh or . . . [_The rest of his remark is lost, only his laugh is heard as_ CURTIS _and_ KAMP _follow them out, and_ SEIDEL _is following them_. MISS CUTTING _knocks R. and enters without waiting_. MISS CUTTING (_very perturbed_): Mr. Garcia is waiting in the Chancelry; he says if he don't see the Ambassador at once he'll wash his hands or something--he's fair crazy--say, what am I to do with him? OLVEN (_to_ SEIDEL): He phoned again just now--he sounded crazy. I told him if he couldn't give a message, he'd have to bring it. MISS CUTTING: He's brought a man with him--toughish sort of guy in a blue suit. SEIDEL: I'd better see him. Bring them in. [OLVEN _and_ MISS CUTTING _go out_. SEIDEL _closes the doors L., goes to the desk, lights a cigarette, and sits L. of desk. A few moments later_, OLVEN _brings on_ GARCIA _and_ WILLIS MACABE. GARCIA _is a middle-aged, stoutish yellow-faced Italian American with black waxed moustache and hair going bald. He is over-smartly dressed in black morning coat, striped trousers, and white spats. He carries a bowler in one hand and mops his head with a coloured silk handkerchief with the other. The second man is a long lean, lantern-jawed Irish American in a blue serge suit. He rarely ceases chewing gum._ SEIDEL: 'Morning, Mr. Garcia. GARCIA: Good morning, Count. This is my hotel detective--Mr. Macabe. (_Perturbed and almost breathless._) MACABE: Willis Macabe. GARCIA: He coma with me because it is--very urgent---- SEIDEL (_nodding_): How d'ye do? MACABE: Pleastameetya. (_With a nod._) SEIDEL: Well, Mr. Garcia, what can we do for you? GARCIA: Count, I musta see the Ambassador. SEIDEL: The Ambassador is with his Majesty. Anything you want to tell him--you can tell me. We have no secrets. GARCIA (_wildly_): I do not thinka only of myself--but if a word of this gets in the papers--I am a ruined man. I coulda not sell my hotel--no, nobody buy it. SEIDEL: What on earth are you talking about? GARCIA: I tell it you something--if we are alone. (_He glances over his shoulder._) SEIDEL: Olven, do you mind? Sit down. [OLVEN _goes out R._ GARCIA _sits R. of desk_. MACABE _at table R._ GARCIA (_jumping up_): What is out there--a balcony? (_Points to open window._) SEIDEL: A terrace. GARCIA: Sama thing--Macabe--shuta that window. (_To_ SEIDEL) That is how it all happen. [MACABE _shuts the window. They sit._ SEIDEL: What happened--please explain. GARCIA: When I builda the Paradise Hotel, twenty-five years ago, I say to myself "Here in Washington the Americans they lika the European plan." So I builda him with one balcony all along the front second floor--one balcony all along fourth floor, lika you see Paris, Vienna, Monte Carlo--beautiful! SEIDEL (_nettled_): Yes, but what has the history of your hotel---- GARCIA: In a minute--in a minute. Macabe, you tella him how it begin. MACABE: Well, I guess it was about half-past twelve last night, I was having a walk round, as usual, just to see that folks was staying put--proper, in their own rooms, an' the like. I come down on the second floor, an' I see a bell hop outside one of the doors of the Royal suite, an' the King's aide-de-camp--Colonel--Colonel---- SEIDEL: Menken. MACABE: Sure, that's him--giving it the boy good an' hard. I enquire the trouble. He tells me two gentlemen had just walked along the balcony and come right into the Duchess's bedroom, when Her Highness was goin' to bed, or in bed--I misremember--anyway the Colonel was in a stew and his Majesty was all het up about it an' what was I going to do? SEIDEL: But how dare you permit such a thing to happen----! GARCIA (_waving his arms_): That damn balcony--but you wait--you don't know the half of it! MACABE: Well, I said it was a mistake and they'd sure apologise--he said they had--an' I told him I'd enquire into it, and take steps it couldn't happen again--I gave him all the dope. An' he went in an' shut the door an' I thought that was all there was to it. GARCIA: And then it begin on me! I am just going to sleep. Brrrr! the telephone. Senator Corcoran--he stay in the hotel--he coma nearly three weeks ago--he say he wanta see me at once. I say I am in bed, he say he don'ta give a damn where I am--at once. I jump out of bed, I puta on my silk robe, I go down to his rooms. There is another man with him, a clergyman. They say a very serious thing have happen--I must take action at once. He say Washington by night--very beautiful--they have just walk along the balcony to look at the view. The windows of the room next but two are wide open. They looka in, they go in. There is a lady in the bed, sitting up and laughing and clapping her hands. And a gentleman in his pyjamas dancing in front of a big mirror. The lady is the Duchess of Tann. The gentleman is his Majesty the King of Poldavia---- SEIDEL (_springing up_): But how dare you let rooms on that floor---- GARCIA: I know! I know!--(_holding up his hands_.) SEIDEL: Your contract was the whole floor for Majesty and suite---- GARCIA: It is not all my fault--I explain---- SEIDEL: I must get the Ambassador. (_Going._) GARCIA: That is what I ask since ten o'clock! [SEIDEL _hurries out L._ Dio mio! (_Mopping his brow_) I could weep--I do all they ask--I spenda six thousand dollars to maka the rooms beautiful--and he shout me "How dare you let rooms." MACABE: Say Chief, that balcony stunt's all wrong--'tain't modern--'tain't moral--seein' folks is how they is. GARCIA: I know--if I geta out of this I rebuild the hotel--I maka every room a safe deposit. MACABE: You oughta kinda guessed you were takin' risks lettin' those rooms to that Senator guy. He's a tough joint--Colorado--always shootin' some kinda stunt. GARCIA: How could I guess? He is a senator--sure he is tough, but everybody lika him. He come to me last Friday fortnight--I giva him the little suite right at the end--he say he wanta quiet. MACABE: You bet he did. GARCIA: It is here they are to blame. When they change their plans to go by aeroplane they senda half their people back home. Then a secretary here he writa me, he say he know they taka the whole floor, but many rooms would be empty, could I make a reduction? (_Rising, looks at his watch, then begins to wind it_) Dio! What is the time? MACABE (_glancing at wrist-watch_): Half after eleven. GARCIA: We have half an hour!--I forget to winda my watch last night. I wonder I am alive---- MACABE: Guess I'm wonderin' too---- GARCIA: What? MACABE: Wonderin' was this a plant--or was it just an accident? GARCIA: What!--you think----? MACABE: Think nix--I'm just figurin' it out. [GARCIA _stares at him, he figures and chews_. SEIDEL _returning with_ KAMP. SEIDEL: I have informed his Excellency briefly of what you told me--will you please go on? KAMP: This is a very serious matter, Mr. Garcia. [_Sitting on the sofa_, GARCIA _standing on his right_. SEIDEL _in front of fireplace_. GARCIA: Serious! I thinka your Excellency and the Count have no idea how serious it is--we have exactly half an hour. SEIDEL: Half an hour? What do you mean? GARCIA: Half an hour before we puta them out. KAMP: Put them out? SEIDEL: Who? GARCIA: Puta them out of the hotel--his Majesty and the Duchess of Tann. KAMP (_rising_): Good God, man, do you know what you're saying? GARCIA (_wildly_): Your Excellency, _I_ do not say nothing. It is the law that say it. It is Senator CORCORAN--it is the Rev. Adam Macadam---- KAMP: A law to turn his Majesty the King of Poldavia out of your hotel--preposterous! SEIDEL (_laying a hand on his arm_): Wait, your Excellency--I fancy there _is_ a law of some kind. MACABE: Sure there's a law. Regulations relating to hotels, and public lodging-houses. Any man and woman not legally married found occupying a room in any hotel or public lodging-house shall be summarily ejected upon the facts being brought to the notice of the proprietor or manager. Failure to comply will involve the action of the police. The penalty shall be the padlocking of the premises for any period not exceeding one year as the Court may determine. [KAMP _puts his hands to his head and walks to the fireplace_. GARCIA (_wildly_): I am innocent and it all fall on me! (_Goes towards window waving his arms._) SEIDEL: This law cannot apply to his Majesty's suite. MACABE: The Duchess's rooms ain't in the suite--they're alongside. They ain't properly two rooms neither--archway and curtains between 'em. It is held in practice that a suite ain't a room for the purpose of the law. But this here's a border case, sure--an' Gawlmighty couldn't keep it out of court. KAMP (_turning_): What nonsense, sir! As if it were a common police court case. His Majesty the King of Poldavia and her Highness the Duchess of Tann are . . . are placed above--er--consideration of this kind. Count Seidel, please, get on to the Attorney-General's department immediately, and ask for an appointment to---- SEIDEL (_holding up his hand_): Your Excellency, may I suggest even that publicity must be avoided. We must try and handle this matter ourselves. MACABE: An' you bet your life the Attorney-General'll be watchin' his step with a Senator an' a snoopy parson waitin' round the corner. GARCIA: Your Excellency, we do nothing but talking, and I have pledga my word I throw them out bag and baggage at twelve noon to-day. KAMP: Mr. Garcia! I insist that you choose your words when you speak of his Majesty---- GARCIA (_wildly_): I choosa my words! I choosa my words!--lasta night I go on my knees--I weep, when Reverend Macadam he wanta me to throw them out at once. SEIDEL: Why did you not inform us immediately? GARCIA: Because I thinka they changea their minds when they sleep on it. Then at ten o'clock to-day the Senator he senda for me--Reverend Macadam also there--the Senator he say "Garcia, out at twelve or we inform the police----!" (_To_ KAMP) And I phone and phone and no one leta me speak to you and now they waita for me at the hotel--what do I tella them? What do I do? KAMP: I--I won't take the responsibility. His Majesty must be informed---- SEIDEL: Unquestionably. KAMP: Count, don't you think---- SEIDEL: Your Excellency, in the circumstances---- KAMP (_nodding_): Yes, yes, I suppose so---- [_Goes out quickly L._ SEIDEL: This is the very devil! MACABE: And then some! SEIDEL: But what can they want? GARCIA: They wanta I throw them out---- MACABE: I get you--but I ain't found the clue yet. GARCIA: You think they wanta something else--no--the Reverend he is very shocked all the time--he wanta the law. But the Senator he have a twinkle in his eye. (_He shrugs his shoulders._) [KAMP _returns with the_ KING _who is shaking with laughter_. KING: My dear Baron--can you picture it--with my figure--in golden pyjamas--in front of the cheval glass--trying to dance the Black Bottom! Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! Of course at first I am very angry--but I cannot think of it without laughing---- KAMP: But, your Majesty---- KING: Yes, yes, I know, the story must be kept quiet--but it was funny. KAMP: It would appear that--er--quite unintentionally--your Majesty has violated an--er--an American law---- KING (_laughing_): A law! if they have a law against my dancing the Black Bottom, it is a good law, because I am rotten----Ah, Garcia, so you have heard the story--but remember----(_Lays his finger on his lips._) GARCIA: Yes, your Majesty. (_Does the same, bowing._) SEIDEL: The law which it is alleged your Majesty has violated is as follows: Any man and woman not legally married found occupying a room in any hotel must be put out immediately by the proprietor or manager. (_To_ MACABE) That is correct? MACABE: Sure. KING: What a funny law! (_Laughing_) What is that--more prohibition? SEIDEL: Your Majesty, it is too serious to be funny. The two men who entered her Highness's room last night are Senator Corcoran and the Rev. Adam Macadam. At this moment they are waiting at the hotel for Mr. Garcia to let them know that your Majesty and her Highness have left the hotel for good. KING: You are joking? GARCIA (_perspiring_): It is no joke--I---- [MACABE _digs him in the ribs_. KING: Because I am in a room with Lonya we are put out of an hotel!--it is impossible! SEIDEL: It is incredible, your Majesty, but here----(_Shrugs._) KING: Who are these men? SEIDEL: Two American citizens, that is all that matters. KING: But it is ridiculous--tell them to go to the devil. SEIDEL: Unfortunately they would not go to the devil, but to the police. GARCIA: And I losa---- [MACABE _shuts him up with a dig in the ribs_. KAMP: I am profoundly distressed to have to trouble your Majesty with this--er--wretched business, but apparently---- SEIDEL: Not apparently, Excellency--these men are waiting to take action. GARCIA: At twelve o'clock--what do I say, what do I do? KAMP: Er, yes, yes--we considered it imperative to consult your Majesty as to the procedure, er--what are we to do? KING (_angry_): Do! _Krashtovida_!--you got me in, get me out! KAMP: Your Majesty may rely on me. Er----(_With sudden inspiration_) Why not? Your Majesty _has_ left the hotel--her Highness, too, she will be here at any moment--you--er--simply do not return. The Embassy is small but a suite of three--er--four rooms can be arranged. The others remain at the hotel. The situation is saved. KING: I am saved--if I run away! Baron, I am ashamed of you. SEIDEL: His Majesty is right. It would be a fatal admission. That may be just what they want, a story--a scandal, and the proof--his Majesty and her Highness have gone. It would simply put us in their hands. KAMP: But we are in their hands! SEIDEL: Not yet! There is only one course, we must make them withdraw their complaint. KING: That is right. Ruffians! KAMP: A bribe? GARCIA (_shaking his head_): The Senator very rich man. The other----(_He shrugs his shoulders._) KAMP (_despairingly_): Then what _do_ we do? SEIDEL: For the moment we play for time. GARCIA (_pulling out his watch_): Time! In ten minutes they send for the police. (_Tapping it._) [SEIDEL _goes to the phone on the desk_. SEIDEL (_to the phone_): Get the Paradise Hotel--Senator Corcoran's suite--Mr. Garcia to speak to him. Quick. (_Hangs up the phone and rises._) Garcia, sit here. [GARCIA _sits L. of desk_. When he comes through, say this--I am now at the Embassy---- GARCIA (_shaking_): I am now at the Embassy---- SEIDEL: With the Ambassador---- GARCIA: With the Ambassador---- SEIDEL: I am coming right back---- GARCIA: I am coming right back---- SEIDEL: To bring you full satisfaction. GARCIA: To bring you full satisfaction. [SEIDEL _comes down to back of sofa_. GARCIA _repeating quickly to himself._ I am now at Ambassador, with full satisfaction, I am coming right back, to bring you the Embassy! Ah! [_With a cry of dismay, he puts his hands to his head. The phone rings. He takes the receiver, mopping his brow._ Is that Senator Corcoran . . . Mr. Garcia speaking. . . . I am now at--the Poldavian Embassy--with the Ambassador--I am coming right back--to bring you full satisfaction. (_As he listens to the reply he winces._) But Sen----(_He hangs up._) SEIDEL: What did he say? GARCIA (_rising_): He say if I don'ta come pretty damn quick I will be tramped to death by the police squad in the vestibule. SEIDEL: Now, get back to them at once. You will say his Excellency would be distressed, if a law had been broken. But there has been some misunderstanding. Say if they will defer taking action until six o'clock, I will call on them at whatever time they wish, and explain the situation. GARCIA: And is that the full satisfaction? SEIDEL: Say we are prepared to give full satisfaction if--deal in ifs. Use your native wit. Be a diplomatist for the day. GARCIA (_nodding, pleased_): Feed 'em some good big lies--yes, yes, I understand. Your Majesty--your Excellency. [_Bows and goes to door R._ MACABE _after a couple of awkward nods following_. SEIDEL: And as soon as you've seen them, phone the result. GARCIA: At once--I phone. [_Goes out beyond_ MACABE. KAMP (_with pompous irony_): And may I ask, Count, what is the misunderstanding, and the situation you propose to explain? SEIDEL (_sitting limply R._): I haven't the slightest idea--as yet. KING (_turns and stares at him_): So--so! (_He turns and stares at_ KAMP _for several moments_.) And you, Baron? What helpful suggestion have you? KAMP: Your Majesty--there are so many things we could do. I agree that we must do something--but that something--er--must achieve--er--what we want to do. KING: So! Now I know where I am----If these two scoundrels were citizens of Poldavia I should not have to ask what to do--I should know! (_Rising_) But here I must put myself in your hands--hands! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! the flopping feelers of two antiquated jellyfishes! (_He walks about in rising rage._) Where is your backbone, Baron Kamp?--are you a spineless mummy that all you can do is to advise me to run away from a couple of peeping rascals--to let them insult me--me your sovereign! KAMP: Your Majesty, I---- KING: How dare you send me to a place where such a thing could happen? KAMP: The arrangements were in Count Seidel's hands, your Ma---- KING: Hands! hands! You _have_ no hands! Day after day I am shaking American hands and I know what hands are--they have grip. (_Shaking his finger at him_) And do not put blame on another, _you_ are responsible. KAMP (_bowing_): I am proud to think so, your Maj---- KING: And you, Count Seidel, have you no brains in your mind? Could you not know--could you not foresee--could you not make it impossible that your King should be turned into the street. SEIDEL: Not into the street, your Ma---- KING (_shouting and striking the desk_): Into the street--into the street! If I have to go to another house--another hotel--another anywhere--first I go into the street! SEIDEL: Your Majesty, this is one of those things--you wouldn't think could happen anywhere. KING: Those things all happen in America! Only three weeks I am here, and already I know that. _Krashtovida_! that I should come all the way from Poldavia to suffer this! [_He sinks on the stool R. of desk exhausted, and sits eyeing first one, then the other. Then after a pause, quietly._ What do we do? I am waiting for advice. [_The doors L. are opened by_ ERASMUS. ERASMUS (_all smiles_): Her Highness the Duchess of Tann. [_The_ DUCHESS _enters slowly. An attractive young woman about thirty. Although her type is that of the lively soubrette, she conveys at her first appearance the sweet graciousness and quiet poise of the great lady. She is dressed for the morning with perfect simplicity. She carries a large bunch of violets._ ERASMUS _goes out, closing the door. Her speech is a lazy purr--at present._ DUCHESS: Aah! Your Excellency, how charmed I am that I see you again. KAMP (_kissing her hand_): Your Highness, I am honoured. DUCHESS: And the dear Count who arrange everything for us so beautifully. (_Giving him her hand to kiss._) SEIDEL: Your Highness is the most welcome person in the world. DUCHESS: But how nice--(_Leaning over the desk from L._) Toutou, you were late for the conference--I can see it in your face. [_The_ KING _nods gloomily_. But how naughty of you! (_Smilingly shaking her finger at him she comes down to sit on the sofa._) And your charming wife, Baron? KAMP: Longing to see your Highness again. DUCHESS: So sweet, so--and this wonderful city with the big white palace with the dom--(_drawing the dome of the capital with her finger in the air_) and the big streets, and the trees, and sunshine, and spring! (_She buries her nose in the violets._) Wonderful people! Wonderful land! KING (_sulkily_): There are no Americans in the room, Lonya. DUCHESS: No--but that is how I feel. Even our funny old-fashioned hotel with the so good name--Paradise! [_The word falls with a splash into a silence which grows deathly. As she smells the violets again she becomes conscious of it, her eyes go from one to the other._ What is it? Is anything wrong? KING: Wrong! (_He sits glowering._) KAMP: Er--your Highness--I--er--we--er----(_An enormous sigh from the_ KING _who goes to window C. and throws it open._) KING: Count, be good enough to relieve his Excellency of the necessity of saying nothing. SEIDEL (_suavely_): Two men, your Highness, came into your bedroom last night---- DUCHESS: You know that? [SEIDEL bows. It was very shocking--but they make many apologies. [_A smile spreads on her face and grows to rocking laughter._ KING (_loudly turning_): Why do you laugh? DUCHESS: You know why--but I hope you have not told them. KING (_brusquely_): They know! DUCHESS (_laughing again_): That you were seen by those men--in your pyjamas--dancing so badly the Black Bottom. Oh! (_Dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief_) Can I ever forget it! KING: No! when you hear the rest! (_Sits on stool below desk._) DUCHESS (_serious_): The rest? SEIDEL: Your Highness, these two men are a well-known Senator and a clergyman of repute. They demand that you and his Majesty be turned out of your hotel immediately under an American law--because you were found in a hotel bedroom--and you are not married, if your Highness will pardon my putting it bluntly. DUCHESS (_incredulous_): How could we be married--there is my husband--do they not understand? SEIDEL: No, your Highness, the law has no understanding--it says "any man and woman not legally married--out!" DUCHESS: They have such a law--in this wonderful country where everyone say so nice things to you? No, no---- SEIDEL: Yes, your Highness. DUCHESS: And if we do not go out? KING: They would send for the police. DUCHESS: To put us in prison? SEIDEL: To put you out. DUCHESS: But how can they keep such a law in America? They are so little time married, and they change so quick that no one know who is married to who. SEIDEL: The law, though humorous, is unpleasantly precise--and these two men have the power to make a scandal that would rock the Press on both sides of the Atlantic. DUCHESS (_rising_): A scandal! But that is terrible!--I am very angry. Your Excellency, why do you not tell us there is a law? KAMP: Your Highness, we did not know. DUCHESS: But you ought to know. Why do they not warn us?--they put on the grass "Keep off!"--why they not put in the rooms a ticket, "If you are not married get out!" A scandal?--It is terrible--it ruin everything! The loan----! SEIDEL: Impossible! DUCHESS: The concessions! SEIDEL: Without the loan we do better elsewhere. DUCHESS: Our tour--a fiasco! And my husband, Toutou--he would have to take notice! KING (_nodding_): It would break his heart. DUCHESS: Poor darling--a scandal! He would swoon with a scented handkerchief to his big nose. But what are we to do? KING (_flinging his arms out_): Nobody knows! My advisers suggest we do something or nothing!--I have forgotten which. SEIDEL: His Majesty's impatience is natural. But there is nothing we can do till we've seen these men, except ask for delay. Mr. Garcia has gone to ask them to wait till six o'clock. DUCHESS: And who will see them? SEIDEL: I will, your Highness. DUCHESS: And then? SEIDEL: Find out what they want? DUCHESS: We are in a pretty mess. Toutou, is the big brain not working? (_Stroking his hair._) KING: In Chicago when there is someone they do not want they have a very useful thing, they--they---- DUCHESS: Bomp them off---- KING (_nodding_): Could we not bump? DUCHESS: That is not very subtle. SEIDEL: And they don't bump in Washington, your Majesty. DUCHESS: Of course we cannot bomp--but might we not buy? SEIDEL: Garcia thinks not. DUCHESS: It is the scandal they want. SEIDEL: I wonder. If they'd wanted the scandal they could have struck at once--had it last night--had it in the papers this morning--some of them. But they didn't. DUCHESS: Why? SEIDEL: In the language of the country, your Highness--they've "got something on you"---- DUCHESS: I see, and they use that something because they want something else? SEIDEL (_nodding_): They may. DUCHESS: Well, if it is something we can give---- [_The telephone rings._ SEIDEL _sits L. of desk, and takes up the receiver_. SEIDEL: Put him through--Count Seidel speaking, yes. (_Longish pause._) Nothing else? (_Covers the phone._) They give you till four o'clock, on these conditions: that they have an interview with his Excellency and--that his Majesty shall be present. KING: _Krashtovida!_ (_About to rise. The Duchess stops him with her hand._) DUCHESS: We accept! SEIDEL (_to the phone_): Agreed. (_Slight pause--he covers the phone._) At what time will his Excellency receive them? KAMP: Er--we--er lunch at one. KING: Not before lunch--no! I am hungry! SEIDEL: The later the better--may I suggest two-thirty? DUCHESS (_nodding_): Yes. KAMP: Er--yes, yes, two-thirty. SEIDEL (_to the phone_): His Excellency will receive them at half after two--yes. (_Hangs up._) DUCHESS: So they want something else. I wonder--what? [_She stands wondering, twisting the_ KING'S _hair. The_ KING _sits staring at_ SEIDEL. _The_ AMBASSADOR _tries to think_. _The Curtain is lowered for a moment to suggest the lapse of two hours._ _When the Curtain rises again it is after lunch. Two doors leading into the reception room L. are wide open, also all the windows. Coffee is being served on a large silver tray borne by_ ERASMUS. _With him a_ FOOTMAN _in livery carrying a tray of liqueurs_. BARONESS KAMP, _an American lady, much older than her husband, with white hair and yellowish face, is standing down R. with the_ KING. _The_ DUCHESS _is just outside the centre window on the terrace with_ MILTON LEE. _The_ AMBASSADOR _is down L., behind sofa, earnestly conversing with_ CURTIS--_figures probably, for_ CURTIS _is tapping a notebook with a gold pencil_. BARONESS (_pointing to the R. wall_): That tapestry there--genuine seventeenth-century Italian. KING (_putting up his eyeglass_): Beautiful! BARONESS: Cost two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. KING: So much? BARONESS: It's very old. That clock over there on the mantel belonged to Marie Antoinette. (_Points L._) KING (_turning_): Ah, ha! BARONESS: But that is worth only forty thousand dollars. KING: Well, it is comparatively new. ERASMUS: Coffee, your Majesty? KING: Thank you--pour it out for me, Erasmus. DUCHESS (_in high laughing voice_): No, no, no, I cannot believe it! LEE: Sure--cost us two million dollars. ERASMUS: Sugar, your Majesty? KING: Three spoonfuls, Erasmus. (_Holding up three fingers._) BARONESS: I have two passions--very, very old antiques--and Spiritualism. KING: The past and the future--charming. ERASMUS: Black, your Majesty? KING (_nods_): The best colour in the world, Erasmus. [ERASMUS, _beaming, hands him his cup and takes tray round to_ BARONESS. BARONESS: Your Majesty is interested in Spiritualism? KING: No--my passion is the present. Who is that beautiful girl--I was watching her at lunch. (_Looking across at a very lovely girl who has just strolled on with_ OLVEN.) BARONESS: That's the richest heiress of the Middle West--Miss Mamie Hatch. (_Calling_) Mamie! (_Then impressively confidential_) Worth thirty-five million dollars to-day, _and_ more coming some day. KING: Ah well, she can afford to wait. BARONESS (_as_ MAMIE _arrives_): Your Majesty, let me present Miss Hatch--Miss Hatch, his Majesty. KING (_shaking hands_): How do you do, Miss Hatch? MAMIE: Oh, your Majesty, I'm very well indeed and perfectly thrilled to meet you. Say--what do you think of America? KING: You give us no time to think--I can only admire. [_They go up R._ _The_ BARONESS _leaving them, with a fostering smile, has gone up C. as the_ DUCHESS _comes down with_ LEE. _Coffee and liqueurs having been served_, ERASMUS _goes out_. DUCHESS: For me I like the best Chicago and New Orleans--so different. But his Majesty like Hollywood---- LEE: The films? DUCHESS (_shaking her head_): The beautiful girls--he could hardly go away. [_The_ KING _and_ MISS HATCH _go out on the terrace_. LEE (_looking round_): He's gone away with a good one this time. BARONESS (_archly smiling_): Well, why not--a Royal widower--and a royal fortune--such things can happen. DUCHESS (_with hauteur_): They can not, Baroness. His Majesty will not marry again. His devotion to the memory of her late Majesty is something you do not know. (_Turning away and sitting L. of sofa._) BARONESS (_sitting_): How very touching! DUCHESS: My dear husband he say to me many times--"Lonya, if you die, I do not marry any woman--I keep his example before me." LEE: You've sure got one on us in husbands. DUCHESS: In America to be a husband is an accident, in Europe it is a career. LEE (_pulling out his watch_): Gummie, it's gone two! Business, Baroness. (_Shaking hands_) Guess we must be off--had a wonderful time--(_Crossing and shaking hands with the_ DUCHESS _while_ CURTIS _says good-bye to the_ BARONESS) Duchess. DUCHESS: Your business men, what a life! Torn between one beautiful wife and two lovely stenographers. LEE (_laughing_): I have six. DUCHESS: Wives? LEE: Stenogs. DUCHESS: Turk!--_au revoir_. CURTIS (_shaking hands with_ DUCHESS): He's boasting. Don't let his Majesty forget---- DUCHESS: To-night, no, no. LEE (_to_ KAMP): Twelve to-morrow. KAMP: To-morrow! Yes--er--twelve, yes, yes. [LEE, CURTIS, _and_ KAMP _go out L. The_ DUCHESS _is looking anxiously back at the window, evidently annoyed_. BARONESS: I should just love to get his Majesty interested in Spiritualism---- DUCHESS: No, no, his Majesty is quite otherwise--you do not know him. [_The girl's high ringing laugh is heard from the terrace. The_ DUCHESS _goes quickly to the centre window, then calls in her most dulcet tone_. Your Majesty! [_The_ KING _and_ MISS HATCH _return_. In a few minutes--the so important conference--it is almost time. MISS HATCH: His Majesty has been saying the cutest things to me--I'm just tickled to death. DUCHESS: I am sure his Majesty is tickled too--you are very pretty. [MISS HATCH _laughs delightedly_. MISS HATCH (_shaking hands_): Good-bye, Duchess--it's been just too wonderful to meet you. Good-bye, your Majesty! KING (_impressively kissing her hand_): I hope not good-bye. MISS HATCH: Well, the world's a cute little place--you never can tell! (_She crosses to the_ BARONESS _who stands smiling benignly near doors L._) I've had the kick of my young life, Baroness--it's just been swell. BARONESS (_going out with her_): Mamie, we must squeeze you in somehow at the luncheon to-morrow---- [_Their voices die away._ DUCHESS: To-morrow, ha! What will happen before that? What have you been saying to her, Toutou? (_Sharply._) KING: Oh, I tell her what I think of America--of the people--of the principal products---- DUCHESS: You talk geography? Ha, ha! For you the principal product of America is the pretty girls. [_The_ KING _laughs loudly, sitting R. of desk_. DUCHESS (_then leaning across the desk, sweetly_): I am not jealous. I only want it kept out of the newspapers--no more Hollywood--"Royal Traveller and Red-Headed Star of _Hotsy Totsy_." The newspapers! (_A sharp sigh._) What is to happen? (_She sits L._) I can feel them--all round us--with their million eyes! I feel that if I open my mouth they jump down my throat and print my inside. [COUNT SEIDEL _carrying a sheet of paper enters quickly R._ SEIDEL (_coming to head of desk_): Your Majesty, your Highness--Mr. Pyke has just left me--our American legal adviser--of course I gave him no names--I put an imaginary case---- KING: Well? SEIDEL: The law is against us. Under title 22 U.S. Code immunity would apply to his Majesty, but _not_ to her Highness. [_The_ DUCHESS _takes the paper from him and reads_. Even if we succeeded in hushing it up--pulling strings--in his opinion it would be difficult to avoid the scandal. [KAMP _enters R._ KAMP: I have left instructions that they are to be sent to the Chancelry entrance when they arrive. KING: Baron, have you no cellars in the Embassy? KAMP: Er--we have a wine cellar, your Majesty, but why? KING: To lock them up! DUCHESS: In a wine cellar! Oh, no, no, they like that too much. KAMP: We are not in Poldavia, your Majesty. KING (_furious_): I do not need that you say silly things to me! It is good for you that we are not in Poldavia! SEIDEL (_looking at second paper_): I have just made some hurried enquiries about Senator Corcoran. (_Reads_) "Humble origin, Irish descent. Born 1890 Cactus Valley, Colorado, State Senator, last election head of the poll. Owns big copper mine in Rio Blanco, small gold mine near Lake City, an oil field in Mexico, and other interests. Very wealthy, but not a money power. No wife, no family. Popular, but few close friends. Good speaker and good shot. Plays a lone hand. Neither wet nor dry." DUCHESS: That tells us everything except what we want to know. SEIDEL: Of the Rev. Adam Bride Macadam--(_reads_) "Highly respected--small church Kansas City--morals rigid and frigid--President of the W.I.T.G."----(_He peers at the MSS._) KING: Another President! SEIDEL: "Women's--Interstate Temperance Guild." DUCHESS: That is all? SEIDEL: Yes, your Highness. OLVEN (_opening door R._): Senator Corcoran and the Reverend Adam Macadam in the waiting room. SEIDEL: In a moment--I'll ring. [OLVEN _closes the door_. DUCHESS (_rising_): It is not possible, of course, that I am present--(_With a little laugh_) I might have to blush. [SEIDEL _goes to doors L._ Toutou--say as little as possible--your Excellency the same. Then they think, perhaps, you both have an ace up your sleeve. (_She goes towards doors_) Count, you must do the talk. [SEIDEL _bows_. How annoying my modesty drives me away--I miss all the fun. [_With a laugh she goes out._ SEIDEL _closes the doors, comes to desk, presses bell. The_ KING _crosses and stands in front of fireplace_. KAMP _sits at desk_. SEIDEL _stands above him_. OLVEN _shows in the two men and goes out. The_ SENATOR _is big, bronzed, with strong mouth and chin, dressed in a dark double-breasted lounge suit_. MACADAM _is in black with turned down collar and white bow tie. They stand in front of the desk._ KAMP (_who has risen_): Senator Corcoran, I presume? CORCORAN: Yeah. KAMP: His Majesty has--er--graciously consented to be present at our--er--interview. (_Turning to the_ KING.) CORCORAN: Oh yeah? [_He bows stiffly to the_ KING _who inclines his head_. My friend the Reverend Adam Bride Macadam has graciously consented to accompany me. [MACADAM _bows stiffly. A slight pause._ Well, your Majesty, and gentlemen, I guess the interview isn't going to be pleasant for you, any more than for us. Let's treat it as a matter of business, and get it over quick. [_The_ KING _sits L. on sofa_. KAMP: Be seated, gentlemen. (_Waving his hand._) [MACADAM _sits R. of table holding his hat in front of him_, CORCORAN _throws his hat on the table, turns a chair, and sits facing them_. SEIDEL _comes slowly down to the back of the sofa_. CORCORAN: May I say right here that we regret the necessity of taking action. But American law has been broken; as good American citizens it is our duty to see that the law-breakers pay the penalty. SEIDEL (_suavely_): If the law has been broken--it was broken in ignorance---- MACADAM: Ignorance is no defence in law. (_His voice has the rasp of a saw._) SEIDEL: --by two very distinguished visitors at the moment guests of the American people. CORCORAN: The guests are self-invited--the object of their visit is commercial--you can cut that damn stuff right out. SEIDEL (_still suave_): Naturally their visit has a commercial side--but if this immense enterprise is successful, who is going to profit most by it?--the American people. CORCORAN: Talk sense! What in hell is it going to profit the American people if a bunch of damn oil bugs grab concessions in Europe and use the American people's money to start the grab? MACADAM (_fiercely_): What shall it profit a man to gain---- CORCORAN: Easy, Mac, easy--we're not in church. (_To_ SEIDEL) You leave the American People out of this. MACADAM (_passionately_): The American people cannot be left out!--their law has been violated--flagrantly violated. The American people have been outraged in their deepest conviction. If I'd had my way the law would have struck the evildoer in his course. (_Striking the table._) CORCORAN: Sure!--if I hadn't been able to convince my reverend friend that the exceptional circumstances of the case called for circumscribed action we should not be here--now----(_Looking across_) And your Majesty would not be here either. SEIDEL: You say the American people have been outraged in their deepest conviction. But they can't be outraged--unless you tell them. CORCORAN: Their law is outraged even if we don't tell them. MACADAM: It is the moral right of the people to know the truth of the abominations in their midst! KAMP (_bending forward rubbing his hands_): Yes, gentlemen, but what is the truth in this case? CORCORAN: Mr. Ambassador, we know all there's to it! KAMP: His Majesty's visit, as you are already aware, is concerned with--er--important commercial negotiations. But are you aware that her Highness the Duchess of Tann is here solely as--er--the representative of her husband, the Chancellor of Poldavia? I ask you, gentlemen, could anything be more natural, more--er--proper than that his Majesty, wishing to confer, with her Highness on these vital negotiations should--er--visit her in her room--and--er--er--an informal Cabinet Council in fact? CORCORAN: I get your point Mr. Ambassador. I was not aware that at Cabinet Councils in Europe, the official costume is pyjamas, that some of the parties are in bed, and that business is introduced by dancing in front of a mirror---- MACADAM: An obscene dance---- CORCORAN: Any dance would of course be in order--(_to_ KAMP) but I thank you for the information. KING: Your Excellency would do well to remember the advice that your silence is our most valuable asset. [KAMP _bows_. Gentlemen, I already know the matter is serious, I had no idea it is so serious as you say. I had no idea that my--my--very personal and private relations with a brilliant and distinguished lady could so concern the people of America--could, how did you say, "outrage their deepest convictions." If I had known that I should not have come--I should not have broken your law. MACADAM: Our law makes no provision for the laxity of European morals. KING: Naturally--but might there not be some slight margin for international manners? MACADAM: Your Majesty, we are not here to debate the sophistries of corrupt social refinements--we are here to vindicate the law of the United States--the law also of a power that is above them. CORCORAN: Sure! We take our stand on the law. There is nothing to discuss--we have come here to dictate. We have made every possible concession to avoid scandal while exacting in full the penalties which must have followed the action of the law. (_Taking a document from his pocket_) These are our terms--I have put them in the form of a binding contract. [_He reads, not as a lawyer reciting a contract, but as an orator promulgating a new declaration of independence._ "_We the undersigned_, having by accident entered Room No. 48, Paradise Hotel, Washington, D.C., about 12.45 a.m. on Monday, May 13th, 1933, became witnesses of an offence against the law of the United States--Mann Act (hereinafter referred to as the said offence), whereof the delinquents are Augustus X, KING of Poldavia, widower, and (blank), wife of (blank) Duke of Tann, Chancellor of Poldavia (hereinafter referred to as the said delinquents). _Now in consideration_ of the following facts: (_a_) That the said delinquents are, in the country of their origin, persons of the highest standing. (_b_) That the said delinquents are, at present visitors and, as it were, guests of the United States. (_c_) That the publication of the said offence might be followed by national, international, or domestic complications. _We the undersigned hereby agree as follows_: To take no action to set the law in motion against the said delinquents. Not to publish or cause to be published, or communicate to any person whatsoever any circumstance appertaining to the said offence. _On the following conditions_: 1° That the said delinquents shall not later than 2 p.m. to-morrow, May 14th, 1933, quit the above mentioned precincts and the city of Washington, and on the day following the United States of America never to return. 2° That all negotiations for issue of loan known as 'Poldavian National Bonds' be abandoned forthwith, and that at no time shall any loan, concession, or grant be negotiated directly or through intermediary by the said delinquents with any Company, corporation, or citizen of the United States of America. (_Signed._) BERNARD J. CORCORAN, ADAM BRIDE MACADAM." (_He rises, going up to the desk._) We require the signatures of his Majesty and the Duchess of Tann to the appendix. (_Reading quickly_) "We the undersigned hereby admit the said offence and agree to abide by the above mentioned conditions (1) and (2)." (_Lays the document on the desk before KAMP._) [SEIDEL _comes over and stands reading. The_ KING _rises slowly_. KING: We cannot sign this--it is impossible--it is the destruction of everything we have worked for for years--it is----(_He pauses._) [MACADAM _rises_. KAMP: Your Majesty--er--I am entirely of your opinion. CORCORAN: If that is your Majesty's last word--we are going straight to the Police department--and the facts will be given immediately to the Press. [_A slight pause._ SEIDEL (_quietly_): Your Majesty, may I submit--in the circumstances there is no alternative. [_The_ KING _stares at him in silence for a moment_. KING: Is it necessary that her Highness is dragged into this? CORCORAN: Yes, your Majesty. KING: Your Excellency, will you---- KAMP: Yes, your Majesty. [_Rises and goes out L._ CORCORAN (_sitting and taking document_): Duchess's Christian name? SEIDEL: Illonya. (_As_ CORCORAN _takes out fountain pen_.) CORCORAN: Spell it. SEIDEL: I-l-l-o-n-y-a. CORCORAN (_writing_): Il-lonya. Husband's name? SEIDEL: Anastasius Joseph Francis Xavier Clement. CORCORAN (_writing_): An-as-ta-si-us etcetera. (_He turns the document round and rises._) [SEIDEL _is above the chair in which the_ KING _now sits, running his eye over the paper_. KING: Where do I sign? SEIDEL: There, your Majesty. (_He puts a finger on the spot, handing a pen to the KING, who signs. Slight pause._) Senator, what do you get out of this? CORCORAN: Nothing. [_The_ DUCHESS _enters slowly L., followed by_ KAMP, _who closes the door. The_ KING _rises and stands above chair_. KING (_turning to her_): Your Highness, I regret that it will be necessary for you to add your signature to this--this American declaration of moral independence. [_The_ DUCHESS _sits, takes the pen from the_ KING, _and after running an eye over the paper, signs and sits silently watching_ CORCORAN, _who takes another document from his pocket_. CORCORAN: This is the signed counterpart. (_He places it in front of her, taking the other which he folds and pockets._) [MACADAM _has risen and come up_, SEIDEL _has pressed the bell_. CORCORAN: Well! I guess everything is now O.K. [_He gives a little bow, goes out with_ MACADAM _past_ OLVEN, _who holds the door and closes it after them_. KAMP _moves down to the fireplace, the_ KING _to the back of the desk_, SEIDEL _a little towards door R. The_ DUCHESS, _who is studying the document, suddenly begins to laugh_. DUCHESS: "The said delinquents!" (_Holding it up_) All is lost--except honour! CURTAIN ACT II SCENE: _The_ DUCHESS'S _room at the Paradise Hotel. On the right a French window opening on to a balcony. The window hung with rich curtains. In the back wall a very wide archway hung with tapestries--representing "The Rape of the Sabine Women"--which shut off that part of the room which is bedroom. Across the left comer a door leading to a small lobby, and thence to the hotel corridor. An inlaid Spanish table against the wall L. A round table with inlaid marble top and three chairs farther to the right. In front of the window a chaise-longue, and beside it a stool; against the wall R. back a Gothic cabinet; on either side of the centre opening suits of armour on stands, each supporting a halberd on which hangs an antique lantern containing electric light. Above the door L. a magnificent pair of antlers mounted on a shield. Lamps, pots of flowers, etc. Below the window a common radiator disguised in brown and gold paint. When the centre tapestries are drawn back the further part of the room is seen to be decorated in pale primrose and gold. The bed, which is in the centre, has golden canopy and hangings, the very low rail at the foot is a gilded arabesque of wrestling cupids. On the left of the bed a small table. Near it a tall gilt cheval glass. The décor is rich, in parts even beautiful, but obviously inspired by a grim determination to look the price._ _When the curtain rises it is about 10.30 in the evening of the same day. Some of the lamps in the front room are lighted, also the lamp hanging from the canopy, which floods the bed with pale golden radiance._ GUNNING, _a very superior English maid, is engaged in turning down the bedclothes. Between forty and fifty, tall, thin, and constitutionally virginal, she is dressed in black with stiff white collar and cuffs, a small purple silk apron, and looks permanently starched. In a thin, high-pitched voice she is singing to herself an English music-hall song._ GUNNING: "Don't have mo-er, Mrs. Mo-er. Mrs. Mo-er, please don't have any mo-er, The more you have, the more you want--they say, An' enough is as good as a feast-- (_Shaking the pillow_)--any day. If you have any mo-er, Mrs. Mo-er, (_She disappears L._) You'll never get to your street door, Too many double gins gives the ladies double chins-- Don't have any mo-er, Mrs. Mo-er." [_She reappears, carrying a silk nightdress and an elaborate dressing-gown, beginning the song again. She lays the dressing-gown and nightdress on the bed, disappears, and returns with a pair of mules, then comes down to the little table R. of chaise-longue, gives another look round, then suddenly, with a sharp scream_: Who's that? VOICE (_outside_): Jees! don't yell--it's me. GUNNING: Who's me? VOICE: Near scared the life out o' me. [MACABE _puts his head through the curtains_. GUNNING: Who are you--what are you doing out there? MACABE (_stepping in_): Havin' me ears pierced--I'm the hotel detective. GUNNING: Well, there's no crime in here. MACABE: Ain't there? That singin' o' yours oughta get the third degree! I see her Highness ain't back yet. GUNNING: No. [_She looks round, and being one of the many millions in England and America for whom a bed will always be an improper piece of furniture, goes up quickly, presses a button L. of centre opening, which closes the tapestries over it._ MACABE: Got anything on the hip? GUNNING (_putting her hands to her hips and turning on him_): How dare you! MACABE: In yer lock-up, then?--cold work, watchin' out there. GUNNING: Pity you didn't do some watching last night. MACABE: You've said a mouthful. (_Taking an automatic from his pocket_) But from now on that balcony's unhealthy--the chief wanted me train a machine-gun on it. (_Pocketing pistol_) Be a sport--how about a li'l drink? GUNNING: Tch! what a country! A hundred and forty million people with their tongues hanging out! (_Takes out glass and whisky bottle_) Say when. MACABE: Can't pronounce it. GUNNING: There--that's more than's good for you. Soda? MACABE: Not on your life! Here's how. (_Drinks._) That's got t'keep me warm till one. GUNNING: Till one! MACABE: Sure--then Cohen takes over. GUNNING: Perhaps you might have a drop more so. MACABE: I'll say I might. GUNNING: "Don't have any more, Mrs. More, Mrs. More, please don't have any----" [_Pouring out a stiff one._ MACABE: That's a bum song. GUNNING (_shocked_): Well, really---- MACABE: One o' them dry propaganda hymns, I guess. Oh "when" all right. (_Toasting her_) "She certainly had beootiful eyes." GUNNING: Oh, go on! What did happen actually last night? MACABE: What happened? (_Then suddenly discreet_) Oh, nothin'--couple of unauthorised persons got into the wrong room. GUNNING: That all? MACABE: Sure. GUNNING: I know, her Highness was disturbed---- MACABE: Sure--accident--forget it. GUNNING: Everyone in the place knows something happened--they've got several stories. But the floor waiter told me---- MACABE: Well, they're all wet. GUNNING: The floor waiter told me a bell-boy told him---- MACABE: Don't you listen to them guys. GUNNING: Quite dreadful it was. MACABE: 'Twasn't--nothing happened--abs'lutely. GUNNING (_decisively_): Then why am I told to have everything packed by twelve to-morrow? MACABE: Gee! to-morrow! You got one on me there. GUNNING: So something _must_ have happened--what about another little drop. MACABE (_handing her the glass_): Kid, you burn me up! [_She goes to take the bottle. A knock at the door. She slams the cabinet door on the drink question, and turns primly._ GUNNING: Come in. [GARCIA _enters, with a big vase of yellow roses; he is on his toes after his escape_. GARCIA: I thinka maybe her Highness lika the beautiful roses--just arrive--ten o'clock--from the South. (_Putting the vase on writing table L. and stepping back to admire_) Say it with flowers. "I am so glad everything it is all right." (_Turning_) Macabe--whata you do in here? MACABE: Heard a scream, chief--stepped in to investigate. GARCIA: Scream--what scream? GUNNING: Me, Mr. Garcia. I heard a step on the balcony. GARCIA: Ah so! You gotta be careful--not safe any more on the balcony. (_To_ MACABE) Gotta the gun? MACABE: Sure, chief. (_Pressing a hand to his side._) GARCIA: Good--and don't forget, shoota first--aska the question afterward. MACABE (_going_): O.K., chief. GUNNING (_alarmed_): But, good gracious, if one of us went---- MACABE: You should worry, I ain't shootin' to kill--just a friendly warning. (_Turning at the curtains_) Say, chief--you heard about this packing? GARCIA: What packing? MACABE: Everything to be packed ready by twelve to-morrow. GUNNING: Her Highness gave me the order when she was dressing for dinner--his Majesty's man says Colonel Menken gave them all the same orders. GARCIA (_dumbfounded_): What does it mean? MACABE: Search me. GARCIA: To-morrow!--they stay only a day and a half, and I spenda all that money to maka, the rooms lika a palace. (_To_ GUNNING) Do you know what I do to this room--I maka exact copy from a postcard my mother senda me--one little room in his Majesty's palace in Zaoum. (_Showing her a postcard produced from his pocket-book_) The curtains, the walls, the furniture, the armour . . . everything. GUNNING: And what is that? (_Pointing to the tapestries._) GARCIA: That? "The Rape of the Sabine Women." GUNNING: The what? GARCIA: Oh well, "the Founding of Rome"--sama thing. (_Tearfully_) And all for a day and a half--I could almost weep. (_To_ MACABE) The Senator he tell me before dinner--everything O.K. What can have happen? GUNNING: If you want to know what I heard---- [_They both turn to her._ Oh no, I can't. (_Coyly._) GARCIA: Yes, yes. MACABE: Spill it. GUNNING: Well, the floor waiter told me that one of the bell-boys told him that there was a clergyman with the Senator in his rooms last night--a Reverend Macadam--and he had a lot of drink, and wasn't used to it, and he got mad and rushed out along the balcony, and into her Highness's room, and there was she in bed and--well really--anyway, his Majesty heard her screaming for help, and rushed in just in time and knocked the reverend gentleman right out--gentleman, I don't think, nor reverend--one right on the jaw, and the Senator had to come in and take him away, and now they're all terrified of its getting in the papers. MACABE: Can you beat it? GARCIA: No, but I sacka that floor waiter this minute. (_Going_) _And_ I sock him one on the jaw. [_Goes out L._ GUNNING (_hurrying to the door_): Oh, Mr. Garcia--no--not the waiter--the bell-boy told him---- GARCIA (_outside_): And I sacka the bell-boy. (_He bangs the outer door._) GUNNING (_closing door_): There--what did I tell you--course it's true. MACABE: Yer crazy. GUNNING: I never did like clergymen--my father was a seafaring man. MACABE: Say, ain't there a shy drink waitin' in that cupboard? GUNNING: It's too shy to come out--it's had time to think and so have I. Get along now--I've got to look after myself, and I expect you're no better than the clergy when you've got a few drinks in you. (_Fussing about tidying the room._) Her Highness'll be back any minute now. (_Shaking the cushions on the couch._) MACABE: You're English, ain't ye? GUNNING: Of course I am. MACABE: Ye look it. GUNNING (_sings_): "Don't have any more, Mrs. Mo-er----" MACABE: Oh crimes! [_Goes out R. with his hands to his ears._ GUNNING: "Mrs. Mo-er, please don't have any more. The more you have the more you want they say. (_Crosses L. and arranges the roses_) And enough is as good as a feast any day. If you have any more, Mrs. Mo-er, You'll never get to your-- (_Sniffs the roses._)--street door, Too many double gins gives the ladies double chins.--(_Goes through curtains C._) Don't have any more, Mrs. More!" [_The outer door is opened, and the_ DUCHESS _and_ SEIDEL _are heard trying to speak through their laughter. A moment later they come in, the_ DUCHESS _in evening dress and cloak_; SEIDEL _wears a coat over his evening dress and carries a hat_. DUCHESS (_struggling with her laughter_): What a story!--it is more fonny than the truth. (_Dabbing her eyes with her handkerchief._) SEIDEL: And the best of it is--it sounds more like the truth. [_He is standing by the door about to go. She throws her cloak on couch._ DUCHESS: Don't go--sit down a little minute. [_He closes door and sits R. of table._ (_She calls_): Gonning! [GUNNING _appears between curtains_. GUNNING: Yes, your Highness. DUCHESS: This story of yours you tell to Mr. Garcia? GUNNING: Oh, not my story, your Highness--it was the floor waiter told me--and the bell-boy told him---- DUCHESS: Well, do not you tell it anyone any more---- GUNNING: Oh no, your Highness. DUCHESS: It might be dangerous. GUNNING (_nodding_): Yes, your Highness. DUCHESS: You can wait out there. I go to bed soon. GUNNING: Yes, your Highness. [_Goes out L._ DUCHESS (_sitting on stool R.C._): Oh, I am so miserable! SEIDEL (_nodding sympathetically_): Your Highness--I know---- DUCHESS: All for nothing! SEIDEL: And our Embassy dinners are not precisely thrilling. DUCHESS (_smiling_): It was dull----(_Jumping up with cry of joy_) Oh, the beautiful roses! (_Going L._) When I see flowers I forget everything else in the world. (_She buries her face in the roses, then looking up with a sigh of content_) If anyone want to seduce me, he could do it with flowers. SEIDEL: I shall make a note of that. DUCHESS (_laughing_): Oh--Count--I forget you are a man. (_Then, seeing his expression, laughs again._) SEIDEL: And I flattering myself I was still dangerous! DUCHESS (_leaning over the table_): You are delightful--if it was not for you I could--burn our Embassy at Washington. Aie! Aie! (_Sits L. of table. Then seriously_) What do we do to-morrow at twelve? SEIDEL: Exactly the same as if--we shall meet for the signing of the concessions and the loan preliminaries as if nothing had happened. We shall discuss, and then at the appropriate moment we produce---- (_Putting his hand in his breast pocket_) Oh, you haven't seen the final draft the cable I suggested----(_Takes out cable-form._) DUCHESS: To my hosband---- SEIDEL (_nodding--reads_): "Please send immediate fast cable English as follows. Stop. Cabinet Council to-day passed unanimously resolution declaring imperative entire proceeds proposed American Loan be allocated to military establishment. Stop. Owing international situation here this step vital to security. Stop. Safety first. "Signed TANN CHANCELLOR. Stop. "His Majesty and Duchess of Tann in agreement. Stop. His Majesty thinks advisable holding Cabinet Council _after_ cable despatched. "Signed KAMP." (_He puts it on table before her._) That went, of course, in code. DUCHESS: And so _they_ will break off negotiations. (_Giving him cable._) SEIDEL: If this won't do it, we shall have to try dynamite. DUCHESS: And our faces are saved---- SEIDEL (_nodding_): His Excellency calls on the President--regretful rupture--all engagements cancelled--you leave at two--and the evening papers headline, "Last Minute Crash of Poldavian Oil Deal." [_A slight pause._ DUCHESS (_slowly_): And we save our face. Saving face--the world spends half its time at it! (_Lightly she runs two fingers over her face with a wry smile._) And woman half her life! (_Turning quickly_) Do men? SEIDEL: No. (_He laughs._) Well, a little--sometimes--perhaps. DUCHESS: What you use? (_Kneeling on her seat and leaning across._) SEIDEL: Duchess, really--the secrets of my toilet---- DUCHESS: No, no--tell me--I am curious. SEIDEL (_leaning towards her_): Water entirely free from worry. I never worry, and I never know what I shall do next. DUCHESS: You are an opportunist. SEIDEL: The sneer of the people who miss their opportunities. DUCHESS: Yes--I must not worry--you are right. It is over--we begin again. There is the British group--the Dutch--even the French---- SEIDEL: _Faute de mieux._ DUCHESS: But I _hate_ to lose. SEIDEL: We have still our oil---- DUCHESS: And I have still my honour. (_She laughs, crossing C._) You think there was no loophole? SEIDEL: I could see none. DUCHESS: I wish I had been there. SEIDEL: I was relieved you were not. DUCHESS: Poor Toutou! I hope he does not try too much to keep his spirits up. SEIDEL: His Majesty has a strong head. DUCHESS: For wine--yes. (_Holding out her hand_) Good night. SEIDEL (_kissing her hand_): Good night, your Highness. DUCHESS: Thank you that you see me home. SEIDEL: The best moment of my day. (_Going to door._) DUCHESS: We sleep on it, Count, eh? SEIDEL: Yes, but no dreams--facts. Good night. [_Goes out._ _A moment later the outer door slams. The_ DUCHESS _stands leaning on the top of the couch, thinking furiously_. GUNNING _enters_. GUNNING: Does your Highness wish to go to bed? DUCHESS: Bed!--yes--why not? [_She stands staring in front of her._ Wait--I change my mind--I no go to bed. GUNNING (_resigned_): Very good, your Highness. DUCHESS: Ring up the desk--and ask them to tell Mr. Garcia I would like to see him. [GUNNING _goes to phone on desk_. GUNNING: Desk, please . . . Is that the clerk? (_Slight pause._) Well, the _clurk_! (_Throwing up her eyes_) Will you please tell Mr. Garcia her Highness would like to see him--at once. (_Hanging up_) He is coming "right up." [GUNNING _picks up the cloak from stool R. C. and goes towards the bedroom. The_ DUCHESS, _who has lighted a cigarette at the little table, moves towards the window and is going out_. GUNNING, _as she is slipping through the tapestries, sees her and stops her with a scream_. Don't go there, your Highness! DUCHESS (_turning_): What is it? GUNNING: The detective--out there--with a gun in his pocket! If anyone steps on that balcony, his orders are to shoot. DUCHESS: To shoot? GUNNING: I heard Mr. Garcia tell him--"Shoota first, aska the question afterward." DUCHESS: But it is absurd! Why do they do that? GUNNING (_mysteriously_): They don't want the goings-on of last night to happen again. DUCHESS (_with a little laugh_): They are wise, too late. GUNNING: I wouldn't put my nose out--in a country where they shoot as freely as they spit--you can't be too careful. [_She goes into bedroom. The_ DUCHESS _stands for a moment then looks back at the window, then decides she won't, and is moving away, looks back again, steals up to the window, and holding the curtains apart cautiously bends forward to peep out_. MACABE (_sharply in the distance_): Who's there? [_She jumps back._ GUNNING _returns at the same moment_. GUNNING: Your Highness! DUCHESS: It is all right--he ask the question first. [_A knock._ GUNNING _goes to the door_. GUNNING: Mr. Garcia, your Highness. DUCHESS: Please come in, Mr. Garcia. [GARCIA _enters smiling and rubbing his hands_. GUNNING _goes out, closing the door_. GARCIA (_bowing_): Your Highness! DUCHESS (_sitting on couch_): There is something I want to ask you, Mr. Garcia. GARCIA (_bowing_): Your Highness may commanda me--already I taka the liberty to bringa your Highness the little roses. (_He turns and beams on them._) DUCHESS: It was you! But how kind--so lovely----Mr. Garcia, I wanted to ask you--this--this Senator Corcoran--what for--what kind of man is he? GARCIA: The Senator? (_He thinks._) Well, he is whata you call a very tough gentleman. DUCHESS: A criminal? GARCIA: No, no, no--he is a Senator. DUCHESS: What he has done to us is a crime. GARCIA: That is because he is tough, your highness, but besida that---- DUCHESS: Is he--how do you say--a sport? GARCIA (_nodding_): A good sport. DUCHESS: He is not married? GARCIA: No, your Highness. DUCHESS: Nor anything else? GARCIA: Not to the naked eye. DUCHESS: I would like--if he will come to see me. GARCIA: I thinka he is in his room, your Highness--I getta him on the phone. DUCHESS: You say to him like this: Her Highness was not at the conference to-day--her Highness is aware that the matter is finally settled, but there are certain important points which she thinks it might advantage you to know. Her Highness would be pleased if you will come to see her? GARCIA (_at phone_): Room 45! (_Slight pause._) Is that Senator Corcoran? Mr. Garcia speaking. Her Highness ask me to say that she was not at the conference to-day. Her Highness is aware that everything is finally settled but there are certain important questions which she thinks it would advantage you to know. Her Highness would be pleased if you would come to see her. DUCHESS: Well? GARCIA: He say the Rev. Macadam is with him. DUCHESS (_making a face_): Oh!--Very well, say I am pleased if they both come. GARCIA (_beaming_): Her Highness say she will be pleased if you both come. (_Pause._) DUCHESS: What did he say? GARCIA: Nothing. There is an argument. (_Pause._) O.K., Senator. He say, "Hold on a minute." (_Pause._) Nothing but noise. _Che! che!_ (_Shocked_) The Reverend he calla you something . . . nota nice. DUCHESS: What? GARCIA: I scarcely hear. Something in the Bible, I think. Now he has covered the phone. . . . I tell her Highness. (_Hangs up._) He say . . . they come withouta prejudice. DUCHESS: You go to meet them and show them in. Gunning! GARCIA: At once, your Highness. [_Exit. Enter_ GUNNING. DUCHESS: My despatch-box, quick! "Something in the Bible"? I think I can guess--that lady in the red dress who sit on the horned beast. So uncomfortable! [GUNNING _disappears through the curtains_. _The_ DUCHESS _goes to table beside the couch, puts out her cigarette on the ash-tray, then takes a key from her bag which is on the table_. GUNNING _appears with a large green leather despatch-case_. Put it on the floor beside the desk! [_She crosses L. as_ GUNNING _puts the despatch-box below the desk on the floor_. Put the roses in the other room. [GUNNING _goes off with the roses_. _The_ DUCHESS _going on one knee unlocks the despatch-box which is stuffed with bulky documents, throws half a dozen of them on the desk, then, leaving the despatch-box bulging with papers open, rises, unfolds some of the documents, and spreads them on the desk, then as_ GUNNING _returns_: Make the cushions smooth! [GUNNING _smoothes and pats the cushions on the couch_. Now wait outside! [GUNNING _goes out. The_ DUCHESS _takes a pair of dark horn-rimmed spectacles from a case on the desk, puts them on, sits, takes pen, some large sheets of paper, and begins to write. A moment later she turns, surveys the room carefully, then with a mischievous smile resumes writing._ _A pause. Then a knock at the door. She does not reply, but writes and consults documents. Another knock._ DUCHESS: Come in! (_Quietly, without looking up._) [GARCIA _enters_. GARCIA (_in a hushed tone_): Senator Corcoran and the Reverend Adam Macadam to see your Highness. [CORCORAN _and_ MACADAM _come on_. GARCIA _goes out closing the door_. _For a moment she continues writing, then turning with a gracious gesture of her arm_: DUCHESS: Gentlemen, will you please be so good to sit down. (_She returns to her writing, turning over a document and copying._) [MACADAM _sits at the top of the round table staring at her puzzled_. CORCORAN _sits R. of table. He is in evening dress, dinner jacket. A moment after they have sat she lays down her pen._ I am, as you see, a woman of affairs. (_Turning in her chair._) Forgive me that the sudden change of plan make me more busy. [MACADAM _gives a stiff little bow_, CORCORAN _watches her_. First Senator, Mr. Macadam, permit I thank you, you are so good to come to see me. MACADAM: Let it be understood our visit implies no deviation from---- DUCHESS (_emphatically_): No, no--the affair is closed---- CORCORAN: I made that clear on the phone. DUCHESS: Absolutely. No, the terms are as unchangeable as the laws of the Medes and Persians--or, I believe, the American constitution. I was not at the conference to-day--(_Lowering her voice and averting her face_) For a woman--it was too painful--I--I--need not say--I think you understand---- [MACADAM _bows gravely_. CORCORAN _moves uneasily in his chair_. But if I was there I would say to you some things about the two conditions (_she turns to the desk and takes up the counterpart of the agreement_) that I think no one say. (_Rising slowly_) The conditions are hard. CORCORAN: Sure, damned hard--but just and absolutely fair. DUCHESS: Oh? CORCORAN: If we'd let the law take its course, what'ld have happened? First you'd have had to quit the country. Second, you wouldn't have had a hope on Wall Street. Third, the deal would have collapsed. And the scandal would have been hair-raising. What do we do? We exact the first three as conditions--and we _save_ you from the scandal. DUCHESS: That is true. I suppose really I ought to thank you---- MACADAM: If you have invited us here to make us defend---- DUCHESS: Oh no, Mr. Macadam--be patient--I come to it. (_She sits on the left of the table spreading the document before her._) [MACADAM _moves a little away_. Condition No. 1--Well, we go to-morrow. We have to find a way to break negotiations, to save our face. We have to cancel the luncheon to meet your President---- [_A movement from_ MACADAM. Oh, it is quite right--you have to be very careful who your President meet--he could not sit at table with the two delinquents--it is the same in Europe, our royal families they are all very careful--they learn from history. MACADAM: We don't need history--we have principle. DUCHESS: Of course. Condition No. 2--I know it is necessary the present negotiations must break off. But why you make it impossible in the future America can get this business. It is a big business, and you drive us to England, to Holland, or another. What they gain America lose--Do you think America will thank you? CORCORAN (_chuckling_): I know a few Americans'll be as sore as hell! DUCHESS (_insisting_): But why, Senator? CORCORAN: Why don' we want this dam' bunch o' grafters to grab it?--Ask him. MACADAM: Because it is unclean in its source. Because no good can come from what is rooted in corruption. We have our own corruption, Heaven knows, but we who water the roots of the spiritual life of our country set our faces against the deeper decay of an older and rottener civilisation. We are rushing over the world after material gain--what will it profit us if we lose the strong, hard, clean, free soul that our founders left us? [_He leans his forehead on his tightly clenched fists. A pause. The_ DUCHESS _rises, replaces the agreement on the desk and removes the spectacles_. DUCHESS: I understand how you feel, yes. (_She crosses to C._) But Mr. Macadam make it very difficult. It is a case of morals before business. [MACADAM _raises his head and stares fiercely at her_. CORCORAN: It is the case of law before everything--with all the moral trimmings the Reverend sees behind it. DUCHESS (_drawing forward the stool and sitting_): We break your law, yes--could we help it? If you keep a law like a snake hidden in the bathroom, the first stranger who does not know it is there will get a bite. We break your law--because we are not married---- MACADAM: Because you are living in sin. CORCORAN (_under his breath_): Easy, Reverend---- DUCHESS (_laughing_): I do not think of it like that. For a king it is difficult to be married. He could not marry me--except morganatic, and we think it better as it is--my hosband is my very good friend. In my country everybody know, and nobody is shocked. MACADAM: You had better have stayed in your country. DUCHESS: I know that--too late. But I come here and you find out--by accident--if it _was_ an accident--our relations---- MACADAM (_fiercely_): Relations!--it was an orgy. CORCORAN (_aside_): Easy. DUCHESS (_smiling_): What you call an orgy, Mr. Macadam? MACADAM (_rising_): Here in a public hotel in the heart of the capital of our country, a king dancing in his night clothes before a woman in bed beating the savage rhythm with her hands--that I call an orgy! (_He sits._) CORCORAN: Say, Reverend, lay off! This dancing king in his pyjamas has got your goat. What of it! Didn't King David dance before the Ark----? MACADAM: The comparison is blasphemous--that was religious dancing. CORCORAN: Well, I guess he danced before the lady in the bath an' she didn't even have pyjamas. This kinda talk ain't getting us nowhere. Duchess, you asked us here to show us something in the agreement, something important, something we didn't know. What is it--what do you want? DUCHESS (_drawing her stool nearer_): This--we keep all the terms--we break negotiations to-morrow--we leave Washington to-morrow--we sail next day. Only give us one thing. When we have got home--in a little time--let us re-open negotiations here in America. I promise I do not come---- MACADAM (_striking the table_): It is a breach of faith to ask that---- [CORCORAN _stops him with grip on the forearm_. CORCORAN (_quietly--shaking his head_): You can't have it. DUCHESS: I ask it because I know it is best for my country--and I think it be pretty good for America, too. CORCORAN: I'm sorry. DUCHESS: And I too am sorry. There is no more to say. MACADAM (_touching_ CORCORAN _on the shoulder_): We have nothing else to wait for. (_Rising_) We ought not to have come. DUCHESS (_rising_): Oh, do not say that--it is always good to try. Thank you for coming. Good-night. CORCORAN: Good-night, Duchess. (_He goes to the door and opens it._) [MACADAM _opens his mouth, closes it firmly, bows stiffly and goes out, followed by_ CORCORAN _closing the door_. _The outer door slams. The_ DUCHESS _slowly sits on the stool_. DUCHESS (_quietly intense_): _Krashtovida!_ [_A moment later the door opens and_ GUNNING _appears interrogatively_. Yes--now I really go to bed. [GUNNING _closes the door and pulls the tapestries apart. Then comes down, unclasps the necklace, and takes off the tiara._ _There is a knock at the door._ GUNNING _goes to it_. GUNNING: Mr. Garcia, your Highness. DUCHESS (_annoyed_): Oh, come in. [GARCIA _enters, all smiles_. GUNNING _shuts the door and retires to the other room_. GARCIA: Your Highness, I thinka maybe you lika a little something---- DUCHESS (_shaking her head_): No, no, I go to bed. GARCIA (_holding his fingers an inch apart_): Just a little caviare sandwich--and a little glass of Pommery twenty-one. Maka you sleep better---- DUCHESS (_shaking her head_): Nothing make me sleep to-night. GARCIA: Your Highness, taka my advice--I have it right here--at the door. Just a----(_With a twirl of his fingers._) DUCHESS (_laughing_): You are not possible to refuse. GARCIA (_bows_): Eduardo! (_A waiter enters._) I keepa this wine for the reporters. Prohibition is our protection from the Press. Thank God they are thirsty. [_The waiter brings to the table a tray on which are a bottle of champagne and a glass, a plate of sandwiches and a dish of fruit. He is about to open the champagne when_ GARCIA _waves him away_. _He goes out._ GARCIA, _opening the bottle_. The great people always needa little something before they go to bed. (_Pouring out a glass_) So! (_Brings her the glass and the plate of sandwiches._) [GUNNING _takes out her crochet and sits on chair R. of bed_. DUCHESS: Thank you. GARCIA: Do not be afraid of the caviare, it is Bolshevik but beautiful. DUCHESS (_takes a sandwich_): You get a glass yourself, Mr. Garcia, no? GARCIA (_bowing_): I thanka your Highness, but I never touch it--I am very acid. DUCHESS (_sipping_): It is good. GARCIA: Your Highness--there is a rumour to-night, amonga the servants, that I contradict very emphatic--I am very angry. DUCHESS: Oh? GARCIA: That your Highness and his Majesty go away to-morrow. DUCHESS: But who invent such a fairy tale? (_Laughing._) GARCIA: They see someone packing, then they thinka too dam' much--if you excuse me. DUCHESS: Mr. Garcia, I trust to you a secret-- [_He bows._ --the packing is diplomatic. To-morrow is the conference--they have heard we are packed, ready to jomp--then we get what we want. [_He beams, extending his hands._ Diplomacy was given us to conceal our intentions. GARCIA (_nodding_): I getta you. (_Confidentially_) And the other--Macadam and the Senator--that is now O.K. DUCHESS: Yes, yes, it is now, as you say, O.K. GARCIA: Dio! that maka me feel good! If that horrible thing had happen to his Majesty and your Highness, here in my hotel, I breaka my heart. My mother is born in Poldavia--she liva there now--she go back to her people when my father die. Looka your Highness! (_Giving her the postcard._) DUCHESS: Oh, the little ante-room at Zaoum! I thought it seem familiar---- GARCIA (_waving his arm_): The furniture--the armour--the horns that his Majesty shoota-- DUCHESS (_looking round_): So--indeed! GARCIA: Justa like home. (_Taking the postcard_) Good night, your Highness. DUCHESS: Good-night. (_He goes to the door._) Mr. Garcia, I can trust you that no one repeat that story of Macadam--that he try to get in my bed. GARCIA: Your Highness can trust me. If I hear a word, I sacka the whole staff! [_Goes out. The outer door slams._ DUCHESS (_going up_): Gunning, for the third and last time--I go to bed. [GUNNING _puts her crochet in her apron pocket and comes to the_ DUCHESS _L. of bed and unhooks her dress. It falls to the floor. She steps over it._ GUNNING (_picking up the dress_): I will say the Reverend Macadam didn't look that kind of man. [_Disappears L. with dress._ DUCHESS: What kind of----Oh! (_She begins to laugh._) GUNNING (_re-appearing_): But I always suspect these gloomy ones--they've got something inside all right. (_Passing the nightdress over the Duchess's head while the other garment falls to the floor._) DUCHESS (_sitting on the bed_): Poor Mr. Macadam--if he have anything inside it is in a refrigerator. (_Sticking out a leg._) GUNNING: What I say of the clergy is, when they are good they are very, very good, but when they are bad they are horrid. DUCHESS: Gunning, why are you always so bitter about clergymen? GUNNING: In my younger days, your Highness, I was engaged to a sexton, but it's a long, long story. DUCHESS: Well, you tell it to me to-morrow. I go straight in my bed--my feet are on fire and my head is on fire and my body between is just dead. (_She slips in between the bedclothes._) [GUNNING _disappears L. for a moment with shoes, stockings, etc. then returns_. GUNNING: Is that all, your Highness? DUCHESS: All--good-night. GUNNING: Good-night, your Highness. (_She goes in the front room._) DUCHESS: Oh, Gunning! As you go by ask Colonel Menken to tell his Majesty I am gone to bed--I have a headache--I see him in the morning. GUNNING: Yes, your Highness. [_Going, she pauses at the switch by the door, turning out all lights in front room. She goes out._ _A moment later the sound of the outer door closing. The_ DUCHESS _lies still with closed eyes, trying to sleep, then suddenly sitting up she crumples and bangs the pillow to make it higher and goes down on her right side closing her eyes for another attempt. Then her arm goes up switching off the light above the bed._ _For a few moments darkness and silence. Then the telephone bell rings in the front room. A deep sigh of despair from the dark. The bell rings again. The light above the bed is turned on. The_ DUCHESS _sits up, very cross, then as the bell rings again stretches out for the instrument beside her bed_. DUCHESS (_crossly_): What is it? . . . What? . . . Who? . . . Oh! (_Her expression changes to a smile and she becomes alertly awake._) But I am in bed! . . . No, wait, I get up . . . in a minute . . . I leave open the outer door. [_She jumps out of bed replacing the phone, puts on her slippers, then her dressing-gown, fastening it up. Opens the gold box on the table, beside the bed, quickly powders, gives a few deft touches to her hair, comes into the front room, switches on the lights, presses the button which closes the tapestries, goes out, leaves the outer door ajar, and returns closing the door, crosses R. and looks out cautiously between the window curtains._ _The closing of the outer door is heard, then a knock._ Come in! [CORCORAN _enters, closes the door, and stands by it a little awkwardly--the aggressive domineering manner is toned down_. CORCORAN: I guess I'd no right to disturb you---- DUCHESS: Do not apologise--I tell you to come. CORCORAN: That's right, then I won't. I've been figurin' things out since our talk here--there's a lot o' things weren't said, couldn't be said with the Reverend here--and I'm just wonderin' if you and I couldn't get together on it. DUCHESS: You no need to wonder--we can. I take it that is why you are here. Will you not sit down, Senator? CORCORAN: Sure. (_He sits where he sat before, R. of table._) DUCHESS (_she sits on stool C._): Well? CORCORAN: Macadam won't budge---- DUCHESS: Oh? CORCORAN: I've talked at him till me throat's sore--till I told him to go to--home, an' he went. He's a maniac. DUCHESS (_nodding_): Fanatic! CORCORAN: You've said it. Well, when he'd gone, I began to see I'd got myself in a cleft stick, an' I don't see no way out. DUCHESS: Shall I help you? CORCORAN: Can you? DUCHESS: Perhaps. You have something to say that is difficult to put in words, you don't know how--I say it for you. (_Holding out her clenched fist_) You have got us like that--we know it--if you do not squeeze us too hard we are willing to pay. It is a business? How much--or what is it that you want? CORCORAN: Jees! (_He bursts out laughing._) So that's what you think I came for----Well, I guess it may sound funny to you, but I got all the money I want or near it--I didn't reckon to get a thing out o' this--yes, by God, _one_ thing--but that's nothing to do with you. DUCHESS: You are not very illuminating, Senator. If it was not that, what did you come for. [_He looks at the ground smiling, and for a moment does not answer._ CORCORAN: I'll tell you--(_turning to her_.) When I'd put this over on you folks to-day I didn't feel too grand--you were good losers--you'd lost the game but you didn't lose your tempers or your manners. But when I sat here to-night I felt real mean. I've done this kinda thing a score o' times--'t ain't a parlour game sure, it's dirty---- DUCHESS (_puzzled_): "When you put this over"--do you mean----? CORCORAN: A frame-up--a plant. Yeah, I'll say it was one of the smartest li'l frame-ups ever put across in God's own country, and I was darned proud of it--till to-night. DUCHESS: And so when I said "_if_ it was an accident"----? CORCORAN: You said a mouthful. I knew how you were fixed--everything--I horned in on this floor a fortnight before you came--I had the Reverend all balled up about European immorality--an' we got you with the goods. There--I've "come clean" as the police say. DUCHESS: Is "clean" quite the word----? CORCORAN: I'll say you're right. (_Laughing._) DUCHESS: Why did you want to do this to us? CORCORAN: I never thought of you--I'd hardly seen you. But I got oil lands in Mexico. Four years ago I took it to the International Oil crowd to exploit them--old Lee's a pirate sure, but he's white--I had the whole thing fixed up fair, when that yellow bastard, Montgomery Curtis, shoved his ugly nose in an' smashed the deal. Yes sir--and he hung on--he blocked me with the big five, blocked me with the banks, everywhere--for four years he's been trying to squeeze me out--(_with a laugh_) he's got a hope!--And then I saw the chance to bust the Poldavian Oil deal--his deal--and by God I've busted it sure. DUCHESS: Indeed! (_Pause._) But Senator, what you want is the blood of Montgomery Curtis. CORCORAN: He ain't got no blood--soft soap and vinegar's what's in his veins. (_Leaning forward_) I'd spend my last cent--I mean it--if I could smash that white-livered skunk. DUCHESS: That would be very nice, but it do not help us--what do _we_ do? CORCORAN: I'm beat! DUCHESS: Could you take over the deal and put it through yourself? CORCORAN (_shaking his head_): Too big for me. I ain't a real oil man, just an amateur who struck lucky. Only the big fellers could handle this. You don't get me. I ain't looking for nothin'. I've done the dirty on you, an' I can't get clean. I'm caught. You said I'd got you like that. (_Holds out his clenched fist._) That's how Macadam's got me. An' try to budge him--beatin' yer head against a stone wall. (_He rises._) Here's what I came for--to tell you I want to let you out. (_He takes the agreement from his pocket as she rises._) You can have that back. (_Gives it to her._) And the curse of it is, it's worth dam' all to you. Good-night. I'll have another smack at the Reverend in the morning. (_He turns to go._) DUCHESS: Oh no--do not go--please. Perhaps we put our heads together and we find something, no? CORCORAN (_turning_): Sure--I'm in no hurry. But I thought mebbe you're wantin' to get back to bed. DUCHESS: Oh, no, I can go to bed for years and years. Look, you sit once more, and I give you champagne and a caviare sandwich and we think together a little---- [_She goes to the Gothic cabinet for another glass. He goes back to his seat and sits when she comes over and fills the glass. Then, sitting opposite to him and filling her own glass_: So--we think more comfortable like that. CORCORAN (_laughing_): I could do a lot of thinkin' like this. DUCHESS (_raising her glass_): And we drink to "the way out." (_Holding out the plate_) A caviare? When they are born they are little Bolsheviks, but as Garcia say, they are very good now. CORCORAN (_taking sandwich_): Say--what do you think of me? DUCHESS: Do you care? CORCORAN: No! Sure I care. But you give me caviare an' champagne--an' you should be givin' me hell. DUCHESS: Perhaps you get hell for a savoury. CORCORAN: An' I bet you could give it--with the lid off. DUCHESS: Would you mind? CORCORAN: I'd eat it. DUCHESS: What do you think? If I go see the Reverend Macadam---- CORCORAN: He'd run a mile. DUCHESS: That is not a compliment. CORCORAN: Best compliment you can pay temptation. DUCHESS (_laughing_): Oh, no, there is a better. CORCORAN: What? DUCHESS: Never mind. [CORCORAN _suddenly sees it and laughs_. Now we must think. (_She takes up the agreement, tapping the table with it._) What way do we get the Reverend Macadam--money? CORCORAN (_shaking his head_): Macadam's incorruptible--it'd cost too much. DUCHESS: How you mean "cost too much"? CORCORAN (_laughing_): Well, if you offered an archangel all the money in the world there's no tellin' what'd happen. But you haven't got it. DUCHESS: How much? CORCORAN: You can cut it out--I've known him since I was a kid--money won't buy him. DUCHESS: But what then? [_He shrugs his shoulders._ (_She jumps up_) Oh, do not shrug! You know like me if we do not find it we are as bad as before. Is there no way we stop his mouth? CORCORAN: Short o' shootin', none. (_With a grin_) Round here you can get a guy shot for a hundred dollars--but I don't advise it. DUCHESS: That is absurd, of course! (_She stands balancing the agreement on her fingers._) There is one way, Senator. CORCORAN: Which? DUCHESS: You have give me back this. If Macadam speak--you can say it never happen--he dream it when he sleep. CORCORAN (_putting down his glass_): See here, kid, get this. I lugged the Reverend into this mess; if he's still set on seein' it through, I got to stand by him. DUCHESS: You no do this for me? CORCORAN: I ain't double-crossin' a pal for anyone--get me? DUCHESS (_nodding_): I get you. CORCORAN: I'll rake hell to make him change his mind--I guess I can do no more. [_She bends her head, then throws the agreement into her despatch-box, sits in the chair nearer him, and fills his glass and then her own._ DUCHESS: Senator, what make _you_ change your mind? CORCORAN: Oh--I hardly know. DUCHESS: You must know. CORCORAN: I guess it wouldn't interest you. DUCHESS: Oh, but very much. CORCORAN: Well, it must 'a bin' watchin' you sittin' there on that stool with the pale pleadin' face fightin' for yer life, an' Macadam's jaws clappin' on ye like an old Bible pressin' a violet--I just felt I was bein' a hog. DUCHESS: Yes, a hog--but a nice hog! (_Then laughing_) Only I do not have the pale pleading face, I feel no care a dam'. CORCORAN: You didn't look it. DUCHESS: Oh! CORCORAN: Didn't rightly see you this morning--the hat--an' that first time----Gee! I couldn't take my eyes off the King's golden pyjamas. [_She leans back shaking with laughter in which he joins--then suddenly becoming serious--chasing something in his memory._ Golden! Golden! DUCHESS: What? CORCORAN: Sermon "golden"--(_leaning forward_). DUCHESS: Sermon? CORCORAN: Two years ago, last time I heard him--"golden"--"cloths that veil the Glory of the Lord!" (_In growing excitement_) Preaching on Solomon's Temple in his little ten-cent church? DUCHESS: Macadam? CORCORAN (_excited_): Sure!--an' mebbe it's the way out! He'd been lettin' himself go on the grandeur an' the richness of the building, an' then he came to the holy of holies--purples and porphery and ivories an' silver an' precious stones an' "golden cloths that veiled the Glory"--an' then droppin' his voice--"My brethren, you could not duplicate that chamber to-day for four hundred thousand dollars." (_Sitting close to her_) I remember thinkin'--"there's his dream"! And wonderin' why he didn't make it half a million. An' for weeks I was expectin' to see the hat--it didn't come. But if International Oil'd build the Reverend Adam Bride Macadam a million-dollar church--I kinda reckon he'd fall for it. [_Slight pause._ DUCHESS: I see Lee in the morning--I tell him they must build the Reverend a church for a million. CORCORAN: Make it two--temptation must be irresistible--(_turning_) like you. DUCHESS: Am I? CORCORAN: Sure. DUCHESS (_rises, laughing_): Temptation must be irresistible both sides to be really good. CORCORAN (_laughing_): Sure. (_Rising_) Well, I guess that shows me where I get off. DUCHESS: Oh no!--you are strong--you no need to run. CORCORAN: Well, I needn't run a mile. (_Laughing, takes the bottle and pours the rest into their two glasses._) We drank to the way out--we'll drink again to the golden pyjamas! (_Raising his glass_) They let you in, and now mebbe they'll let you out. [_They drain their glasses._ Say--(_looking round_)--this ain't the same room we came into--I bin tryin' to figure it---- DUCHESS (_who has gone up_): No--it was like this. (_She presses the button, the tapestries slide back, she goes R. and sits on settee._) CORCORAN: Sure--that's it! Golden bed, golden mirror, and golden pyjamas! (_He laughs, crossing down to her._) Gee! some dazzle!--an' then I apologised--an' you got under the bedclothes--to hide your shame. (_Sits on the stool beside her._) DUCHESS: No, to hide my laughing. [_They laugh._ I hope you are ashamed. CORCORAN: I'm a hardened sinner--Gee! it's a pity you're married. DUCHESS: Oh, I am very complicated! CORCORAN: I wouldn't let you out of my sight. DUCHESS: So! CORCORAN: Runnin' wild around Hollywood. DUCHESS: You read that? (_He nods._) Oh, a king belong to everybody. But he is very jealous. CORCORAN: I'll say he is. DUCHESS: Once at Zaoum he throw a major out of the first floor window. CORCORAN: Gee! DUCHESS: Oh, it is a compliment--but he break two legs--such a handsome man with a big moustache! CORCORAN: An' we're on the second floor! (_Glancing at the window._) DUCHESS (_laughing_): Senator, are you making----(_She stops._) Oh, I cannot call you Senator--it sound like a long white beard with egg on it. CORCORAN: I bin called plenty--but my friends call me Barney. DUCHESS: Barney---- CORCORAN: Il-lonya--kinda got a thrill writin' it--but 'stoo long. DUCHESS: Lonya. CORCORAN: That's bully--Lonya. What were you goin' to say? DUCHESS: Oh, I could not say it now. CORCORAN: Sure! DUCHESS: Oh no. I could say (_primly_) "Senator, are you making love to me?" but I could not say (_languishing_) "Barney, are you making love to me?" CORCORAN: I wouldn't dare--just tryin' to feel how strong I am. DUCHESS: How strong? CORCORAN: I'll warn you---- [_The sound is heard of the outer door being opened with a key, and the_ KING'S _voice talking and laughing loudly with someone outside_. DUCHESS: _Krashtovida!_ Toutou! (_She springs up, glides across to the door, and locks it._) [CORCORAN _rises slowly, with a perplexed grin, looks round, then goes towards the window_. CORCORAN (_in a loud whisper_): I'll slip to my rooms by the balcony. DUCHESS (_running across_): No--no--you get shot----(_He stops._) The detective--out there--with a gun! CORCORAN: Detective? DUCHESS: He shoota first and aska the question afterward. CORCORAN: In here! (_Crossing to bedroom._) DUCHESS: No good. CORCORAN: The bathroom? DUCHESS: Worse. (_A loud laugh off. At sound she jumps back and collides with the man-at-arms R._) In here! Quick! (_Takes off helmet and puts it on stool._) CORCORAN: In there?!! (_Then starts to get in._) DUCHESS: Yes, yes. It is no oncomfortable--I do it once in _Madame Navarre_! CORCORAN: Well, it ain't the first time I've been canned. DUCHESS: Do not move. (_Buckling the armour._) CORCORAN: Guess I can't. [_Loud knocks._ KING: Lonya! DUCHESS: Who is that? KING: Me--Toutou! (_Shaking the door._) DUCHESS: I am gone to bed! KING: Then get out of bed. DUCHESS: I am gone to sleep. (_Getting on the stool with the helmet._) KING: I wake you up! (_Knocking._) DUCHESS: Wait a minute. I put something on first. [_Putting the helmet over_ CORCORAN'S _head, the vizor up. She puts her finger to her lips for silence, then lays it against his lips and shuts the vizor, skips down, replaces the stool, and staggers to the door, unfastening her dressing-gown, and opens the door with a stretch and a yawn._ _The_ KING _enters. He is in evening dress, with orders, and though not in the least drunk, has dined very well, and is smoking a big cigar._ DUCHESS: Why you wake me in my beauty sleep? KING: I am not at all sleepy. (_Shutting the door._) DUCHESS: I shall be a wreck in morning---- KING: We shall all be a wreck in the morning. (_With a big laugh._) DUCHESS: I send you a message I am gone to sleep and you do not consider me---- KING: I am come to consider you--you look very sweet. DUCHESS: I am very cross, Toutou--and half asleep. What was the dinner like? KING: It was not a dinner--there are no words! We eat everything forbidden by the doctors and drink everything forbidden by the law. We do not dine in a room, we dine in an oil field--painted round the walls. There are no waiters--oil-workers! Even the ice-pudding is a derrick! Everything is oil--so natural I think I taste Paraffin in the soup. [_He sits at the table, lays his cigar on the ash-tray, and begins eating the caviare sandwiches._ Caviare, good!--make me hongry once more. (_Seeing the two glasses._) Who is drinking with you? DUCHESS: No one--I have a headache--I take aspro in this glass. (_Moving the glass away._) Garcia bring me a bite of supper. KING (_having tried to fill the other glass from the empty bottle_): No wonder you have a headache. DUCHESS: Well, I must try to forget. You have some whisky. [_He nods, putting a sandwich in his mouth._ KING: No news? DUCHESS (_as she goes to cabinet R. back_): I ask the Senator and Reverend Macadam to come to see me. KING: Well? DUCHESS: No good--the Reverend will not move. KING: And the other? DUCHESS: He cannot move. KING: Would he if he could? DUCHESS: I think he might. KING: What a pity--after the fish Lee say he buy my hunting forest and stock another for me. DUCHESS: How much? (_Having taken out syphon, whisky bottle, and glass._) KING: Ten million dollars. DUCHESS (_coming L._): Perhaps another give you more. [_As she passes the man-at-arms he touches her on the shoulder and his head nods. She nearly drops the bottle, but sails skilfully on, reaching the table as the_ KING _takes the last sandwich and pours out a whisky_. KING: Nonsense! What make you think that? DUCHESS: I get a hunch--as they say. KING: If you find such a fool I give you the difference. DUCHESS: It is a bet. (_Handing him the glass._) [_The_ KING _drinks. As he finishes a convulsion shakes the armour with the sound of a half-smothered sneeze. She starts and then watches for the second._ KING: What was that? (_Putting down the glass._) DUCHESS: Wind! (_Seizing the whisky_) You have another? KING: No, no! DUCHESS: Yes, yes! It do you good. (_She sees the second convulsion, soundless, successfully smothered._) KING (_putting his glass away_): American hospitality has gone the limit, but still I am sober. It is a record--do not spoil it. (_He rises laughing, and moving up R.C._) But I feel good--my brain is working--I could do business now. DUCHESS (_watching, as he goes straight towards the man-at-arms_): You go to bed now--or you no good for business in the morning. KING: No good! (_Turning beside the man-at-arms_) You should have heard me! (_Laughing_) I think I frighten Lee. I say, "Those options--you get us too cheap"--and always they fill our glasses, and always I am more sober, and always he is not---- DUCHESS: Well, perhaps something happen before to-morrow--go to bed. KING: Those two rascals! If only I had felt this morning like now! I was too quiet, too tame, too polite. _Krashtovida!_ I make them ashamed! DUCHESS: Will you go to bed! KING: I flatten them out! (_Shaking his finger at man-at-arms on the left_) You pretend to be a clergyman--you are a sneak--and you have a lace like a cold potato! (_Turning on the other_) As for you! The noble Senator! DUCHESS (_catching him_): Toutou, will you go to bed now! KING: Yes, yes, I go to bed. I stay here and go to bed. (_Putting his arm round her waist._) DUCHESS (_twisting out of his embrace_): No, no, no! You will not stay here. KING (_coaxing_): Lonya---- DUCHESS: No, no--you go away. KING: Let me send for my pyjamas! DUCHESS: We have too much of your pyjamas--all our troubles come out of your pyjamas. I am tired of your pyjamas. KING: Lonya--I do not understand you. DUCHESS: You understand me very well. KING: I come to see you--here I am, here I stay. DUCHESS: I do not want you--go away. I send you a message I am tired, I go to sleep--no, no, you come! I beg you a dozen times you go to bed--no, no, you stay! You cannot treat me so--I will not have it. KING: But, Lonya---- DUCHESS: No--go back to Hollywood, to your beauties there--to the Spanish lady at New Orleans--to the baby blonde at Baltimore--to all the others whom I do not know. But not to me--I am done with you--I am at the end. KING: I go, I go--but listen, Lonya---- DUCHESS: I do all the work, and no consideration! (_Tearing off her dressing-gown and flinging on the floor._) From morning till night I am seeing people--I am discussing--I am giving the interviews--I make my speeches, I make yours. (_Kicking off a shoe which nearly hits him._) I am arranging the programme--I am trying to find where you are when you are not there. (_Kicks off the other shoe._) And now when I am tired to death I am not allowed to go to bed. (_Flinging herself into bed._) It is too much--it is too much--too much! (_Pulling the clothes round her and snuggling into the pillows._) KING: Yes, yes, I know, but Lonya, listen---- DUCHESS (_sitting up with a jump_): Listen, listen! Always I listen, but what do I hear--nothing, nothing that help. Am I to get no peace when I am in my bed? Even now I am making plans--thinking what I can do to save our negotiations--and all you say is listen, listen! KING (_holding up his hands to ward off the flow_): All right, all right, I go to bed--now. (_Going down_) Good-night, Lonya. DUCHESS (_after a slight pause_): Good-night. (_She turns off her light and drops back on pillows._) . . . Draw the curtains . . . please. [_He presses the button, and curtains slide together._ KING: Sleep well! DUCHESS: I try my best. [_He goes towards the door on his toes, opens it, and steals out, closing it after him._ _The laughing face of the_ DUCHESS _appears among the Sabine women--with a convulsive jerk_ CORCORAN _throws up the vizor of his helmet_. CORCORAN: How in hell do I get out of this? DUCHESS (_laughing_): I got you in--I get you out. CURTAIN ACT III SCENE: _Same as Act I. The morning after the night before._ _The_ DUCHESS _is seated L. of desk. An agreement _on a large single sheet lies before her._ MISS CUTTING stands facing the desk with the counterpart in her hand_, COUNT SEIDEL _stands at the corner of the desk above the_ DUCHESS. _The_ KING _is standing in front of fireplace L. smoking a cigarette_. DUCHESS: So--you need not retype it--it is only a draft agreement, they can initial it--you block out that line. (_Running her finger along it._) MISS CUTTING: Yes, your Highness. DUCHESS (_to_ SEIDEL): And--what was the word? SEIDEL: Notwithstanding---- DUCHESS: And you type "not-with-standing" before there--(_Puts her finger on the spot as_ MISS CUTTING _notes the word_) then bring it back for his Majesty's signature. MISS CUTTING (_taking it_): Yes, your Highness. DUCHESS (_sweetly_): You will be quick? MISS CUTTING: I certainly will. [_She is off R._ _The_ DUCHESS _studies her plan of campaign, making notes in pencil. A few moments after the curtain rose_ ERASMUS _has come in with a mug of beer and plate of little sandwiches which he places before the_ KING _on the little table_. KING: What is this? ERASMUS (_smiling_): All what yo' Majesty had yesterday--an' more. KING: I do not feel so good as yesterday--nor so hungry. ERASMUS: Yo' Majesty try--yo' feel hungry all right. KING (_takes up the mug laughing_): I still have a good thirst--thank you, Erasmus. (_Takes a long drink._) [ERASMUS _bows smiling and goes out_. It is all something I cannot understand. Yesterday he is trying to ruin us--to-day he is buying my forest for eleven million dollars. Yesterday he is our worst enemy--to-day he is our best friend. How has this miracle been made? DUCHESS: Only Count Seidel can tell--it is all his doing. KING: And Count Seidel tell me it is all your doing. SEIDEL: Your Majesty, that was merely her Highness's modesty--I only---- DUCHESS (_quickly_): No, no, I have no modesty. Who was it find out yesterday Senator Corcoran have oil in Mexico?--Count Seidel! Who was it put through this morning so cleverly the deal for the concession of the hunting forest?--(_Rising_) Count Seidel! At eleven million--one million more than Lee offer you--one million for me, Toutou! KING: What do you mean? one million for you? DUCHESS: You forget! You say, if you find a fool to give more you can have the difference, and I say it is a bet. You would not rob me of my paltry million? KING: If I said it I said it. DUCHESS (_to_ SEIDEL): You are a witness. (_To the_ KING) Of course I am able to help a little. In the night I am thinking--long time I am awake, and many times I think good, and I think perhaps something come of it. But the one who do things is the Count! (_With a magnificent gesture, then going to_ SEIDEL) This morning I say to his Majesty, if to-day we shall be saved we shall owe it to the Count--he must have an Embassy. KING: Yes--I make changes, London and Paris--in our first negotiations we fall between two fools--which do you like? [MISS CUTTING _returns with the draft agreement_. SEIDEL: London, your Majesty. KING (_finishing the beer_): I send you to London. SEIDEL (_bowing_): Your Majesty, I shall not attempt to put my gratitude into words---- DUCHESS: No, no, we have no time--Toutou, you must sign this. (_Going to the desk_) Quickly. (_She takes up a pen._) [_The_ KING _sits at the desk, and signs_. You will please give these to Captain Olven. His instructions are to give them to Senator Corcoran for signature--they must be signed before the conference--you understand? MISS CUTTING: Yes, your Highness. DUCHESS: Thank you. [MISS CUTTING _goes out R. with agreement_. We have two fights before we are out of the wood. In a few minutes the Senator and Reverend Macadam are here to meet his Excellency---- KING: The Baron--Ho! ho! ho!--He will make a mess of it. DUCHESS: No, no, I have rehearse him. KING: That Baron! I am wondering where I can send him. DUCHESS (_nodding_): Yes, we need an ambassador there some day. [KAMP _comes on L._ KAMP: Your Majesty, your Highness, Mr. Lee has arrived. DUCHESS: Good! Come along. (_Tapping the_ KING _on the shoulder_.) KING: No, I am not in the mood. DUCHESS: But it is on you that I rely! Do you forget what you do to him last night? KING: To-day my brain is not the same. DUCHESS: Just the same, Toutou--your brain is like your sword--it is mostly in the scabbard, but though no one see it the point is always there. [_The_ KING _goes out_. _As she is following she turns to_ KAMP. Your Excellency will remember? KAMP (_bowing_): I remember everything, your Highness--I forget nothing. [_She goes out followed by_ SEIDEL _who closes the doors_. KAMP _stands for a moment trying to think--then, taking a paper from his pocket, reads a sentence, raises his head, repeats it soundlessly. Twice he does this._ _There is a knock. He shoves the paper in his pocket._ KAMP: Come in! OLVEN (_appearing at door R._): Senator Corcoran and the Reverend Adam Macadam by appointment. KAMP: Bring them in. [OLVEN _disappears_. KAMP _stands waiting_. OLVEN _shows in_ MACADAM _and_ CORCORAN _and retires_. KAMP: First, gentlemen, permit me to thank you for your courtesy--er--in acceding to my request--er--for an interview. CORCORAN: Mr. Ambassador, I've told my reverend friend of our talk on the phone. He was dead set against movin', but I guess I just collared him and brought him along. MACADAM: I don't see the use, Mr. Ambassador I am inflexibly committed to the stand I have taken. KAMP (_indicating the sofa_): If you would be good enough to sit down. [MACADAM _sits in R. corner of sofa_, CORCORAN _on the stool below the desk_. Mr. Macadam, Senator, I have asked you here to-day to make a last-minute appeal--er--to your generosity--your Christian feelings--to--to--er---- MACADAM (_sharply_): To what? KAMP: To wipe the slate clean. MACADAM: I dislike metaphor, but if you can't talk straight, I tell you your slate is so dirty that wiping won't clean it--it will only spread the dirt. [_A moment's pause._ We signed a solemn agreement here yesterday; are you folks going to keep your part of it? KAMP: Mr. Macadam--er--that is the difficulty---- MACADAM (_rising_): Then we needn't wait. CORCORAN (_quietly_): Sit down a minute, Mac. (_To_ KAMP) What is the difficulty? KAMP: I need not remind you, gentlemen, of the power of the big business interests concerned--of the immense value--not only to our country but to the trade of the United---- MACADAM (_snapping_): You need not. Come to the difficulty. KAMP: The difficulty is precisely this--that we may not be permitted to keep this agreement---- MACADAM: Why? KAMP: I am not exaggerating when I say that the Department of State would be very gravely concerned if the Poldavian Oil deal were lost to America, or still worse diverted elsewhere--very gravely indeed---- MACADAM: That cannot affect the law. KAMP: No? Suppose the police decline to move? MACADAM: They must move. KAMP: The police force, Mr. Macadam, is not an automatic machine. It is a very sensitive body--er--very susceptible to pressure from all sides--and particularly from above. MACADAM: If the police decline to enforce the law---- KAMP: Speaking of law--have you considered that this agreement of yours comes very near to compounding a felony? CORCORAN: How so? KAMP: To conspiracy even--an attempt to interfere with the action of the very law to which you appeal? MACADAM (_turning to_ CORCORAN): Is this right? CORCORAN: It never struck me that way--but I guess I can see now the other guy might put it like that. MACADAM (_rising_): Very well then--if what you say is true, if American law can fail to protect the purity of American life, then we shall appeal to the people--to the mouthpiece of the people--to the Press. We shall make public the truth and the whole truth immediately. KAMP: And if the newspapers decline to print it? The big powers---- MACADAM (_scornfully waving him down_): No, no, Mr. Ambassador, I know the Press of my country, better than you, and I thank heaven that not yet have they forfeited their old independence, their love of justice and of truth; and when a story like this one goes to every newspaper in the country, I tell you they will print it--every word--and no power big or little will stop them. KAMP: You may be right---- MACADAM: I am most certainly right! KAMP: But it comes down to this, Mr. Macadam--of your agreement nothing is left except your power to broadcast a scandal. You may consider that it is your duty to do so---- MACADAM: I _know_ that it is! KAMP: Well, I can only ask you to think it over carefully; and then, if you are able to regard it in a somewhat different light, I am instructed to say that there is nothing within reason which the interests involved would not do to show their appreciation--any institution you are interested in--er--charities--er--er--endowment--on the most lavish scale---- MACADAM: Are you trying to offer me a bribe? CORCORAN: No, you've got him all wrong, Mac. KAMP (_holding up his hands_): Nothing could possibly be further from my thoughts. MACADAM: Let us go. CORCORAN: In a minute! Mr. Ambassador--if my friend and I could have a few words in private---- KAMP: Certainly, Senator, I will leave you. If you should need me----(_With a gesture L._) For the present---- [_Bows and goes out L._ MACADAM _follows him with his eye then turns on_ CORCORAN. MACADAM: Are you letting me down? CORCORAN: Did I ever let you down? MACADAM: No. CORCORAN: 'Nough said!--But we got to watch our step, Mac. What he said about the police refusin' to act---- MACADAM: I don't believe it. CORCORAN: The law is an ass--you believe that? MACADAM: Sometimes. CORCORAN: An' the ass sometimes sleeps. MACADAM: We must wake it. CORCORAN: 'Tain't so easy to wake an animal that sleeps wi' one eye open. An' the State Department---- MACADAM: That is impossible! CORCORAN: I'm _in_ politics--an' take it from me, big business is there all the time. When the law an' the profits get on opposite sides--queer things happen. MACADAM: Very well then, we make public the whole disgraceful business from beginning to end. CORCORAN: We can do that--an' if we do, I stand by you. But I'm just wonderin' is it goin' to help us any? MACADAM: To do what is our plain duty----? CORCORAN: I'm thinkin' maybe we won't look too good. MACADAM: And the insult! to treat me as a dirty grafter and offer me a bribe, to---- CORCORAN: No, Mac--you got him all wrong there. MACADAM: Then what did he mean by appreciation and endowment and the rest? CORCORAN: Oh, he's a lousy talker--I know what he was gettin' at--he told me on the phone. Seems they've been hearin' what folks is sayin' about your preachin' at Kansas City an' other towns--an' how you only got a little ten-cent store of a place, an' they got wonderin' if building a fine big church at Kansas City wouldn't do a bit o' good. MACADAM: A great church! (_Then sharply_) What do they know of my church and my preaching? CORCORAN: These guys know a hell o' a lot. Money talks but it listens too, and it hears most everything. It weren't so much a church neither--more of a temple like--two million dollars he mentioned---- MACADAM (_astounded_): Two million----! (_Shutting his mouth with a snap_) It's a bribe--it's nothing more than a bribe in disguise---- CORCORAN: Talk sense, man!--where's the bribe? It isn't for you---- MACADAM: Then what is it? CORCORAN: If they were to offer you four hundred thousand dollars--you would refuse it? MACADAM: Most certainly I would. CORCORAN: With indignation? MACADAM: Yes, yes, certainly--with indignation. CORCORAN: An' you would be right. If you fell for it you would not be the man I've known you for since we were kids. But they ain't offering you anything--no one ain't offerin' anyone anything. Only certain big American interests--world interests, who have the cause of humanity at heart--an' it's good business to have it--and who realise as well as you or I how big a part religion plays in that cause, are weighin' in their minds the possibility of givin' to the American people, in Kansas City, a great church--a wonder temple--at a cost of two million dollars. MACADAM (_reflectively_): If I could believe that their motives are right----! (_He sits on sofa._) CORCORAN: Sure their motives are right when it's a church they're givin'. Have you the right to deprive your countrymen of a blessin' at that price? Think of Kansas City--Godless crowd most o' them--don't they need another church? MACADAM: Yes, yes, there is a great darkness there!--if only my conscience could approve----! CORCORAN: An' your conscience must approve! (_Sitting beside him_) Mac, you an' me's men o' the world--leastways me o' this world an' you o' the next. Take your conscience--what is the choice? On one side the great temple where you can gather the good harvest--on the other a dirty little scandal that you've nosed out to fling to paper scavengers who feed it to their readin' millions ravening for pornographic dirt. You were crackin' up the Press just now--do you approve o' that end of it? MACADAM (_fiercely_): No, no, no, I abominate it! CORCORAN: An' the publicity--d'ye think I want to see my friend the Reverend Adam B. Macadam standin' on top o' the world washin' other people's dirty linen? MACADAM: I shrink from all that--I shrink from it! CORCORAN: You're a minister of the Gospel, not a muck-raker--your grand voice should be trumpetin' spiritual truth through the aisles of a mighty temple, not whisperin' dirty stories through paper columns at street corners an' speakeasies---- MACADAM (_rising_): No, you're right, you're right--every time you're right. I must walk warily, lest I fall in the pit I have digged---- CORCORAN: You'd be in it to your neck! MACADAM: One can't touch pitch without being defiled. CORCORAN: Smeared from head to foot you'd be--mixed up with a story o' this kind! MACADAM: After all, who am I to cast the first stone? CORCORAN: No, lay the first stone, and let the temple rise on it! MACADAM: I must think it over. CORCORAN: Sure--an' keep on thinkin' o' the good you can do there in Kansas City--an' God knows they need it! MACADAM: I will, I will. I must be alone--I must wrestle with this. CORCORAN: Sure! MACADAM: For the present--I leave everything in your hands. (_Putting a hand on his shoulder_) I trust you--to do what is right. CORCORAN: I'll fix it--never fear. MACADAM (_rubbing his chin_): I think--I think I'll leave you to see him alone--I think I'd better go now. CORCORAN: Sure! (_Going R._) You go 'way back and wrestle--see me at the hotel--three o'clock. MACADAM (_moving slowly_): Two millions----(_He stops._) Would it be necessary--would it be seemly to spend the whole sum on the building? CORCORAN (_turning_): Sure not! Ostentation--throwin' money away. 'Course there'ld have to be a fine presbytery for you to live in--an' a maintenance fund--an' you in control---- MACADAM: And--would a committee be necessary? CORCORAN: Committee--hell no! An' then there's the boys--Rob's doin' well in the drug store, but Amos, he's studyin' for the ministry--it'ld have to be a hereditary job---- MACADAM: Yes, yes, that's a good thought. CORCORAN: I can put you wise how it could all be worked legitimate-- square and above board----(_Going_) There'd be a good rake off both here and hereafter. MACADAM (_following_): I'm glad of that thought about Amos. CORCORAN (_opening the door_): Some kid Amos! (_As_ MACADAM _passes out_) Think it over, Mac--wrestle it out--an' I'll be waitin for you at three. [_The door closes on them._ _For a moment the stage is empty. Then_ COUNT SEIDEL _appears strolling past the window L. back, evidently prospecting. He comes quickly to the centre window which is open, looks in, then turns and calls L._ SEIDEL: Your Highness! [_A moment later the_ DUCHESS _is seen passing the window L.C._ They've both gone. [DUCHESS _entering C._ DUCHESS: Gone! (_For a moment she stands dismayed._) No, no, it is not possible he fail. He is too persuasive--no clergyman could resist him! The fight is over--but why have he gone? SEIDEL (_taking up the phone_): Miss Cutting, have those two gentlemen gone?--Senator Corcoran and the----(_A pause, then to the_ DUCHESS) The Reverend Macadam has just left--the Senator is with Captain Olven signing the Concession. DUCHESS (_dropping on the stool below the desk_): Good! We know in a minute. SEIDEL (_to the phone_): The agreements are ready? (_Pause._) Bring them in. (_He hangs up the receiver._) Your Highness, may I take this opportunity of thanking you---- DUCHESS: For what? SEIDEL: For the prospect of London---- DUCHESS: Oh that! it is no more than you deserve. SEIDEL: But I really did nothing. DUCHESS: Count, if you say that again I am very angry! You have been brilliantly clever--you will please think so always--and say so when possible. [MISS CUTTING _comes on with two bulky documents, which she places on the desk_. SEIDEL (_laughing_): Well, of course I _am_ brilliantly clever---- DUCHESS: Thank you--I quite agree. SEIDEL: Thank you. (_To_ MISS CUTTING. _She goes to the door._) And there is what I trust will crown my brilliant work. [MISS CUTTING _opens the door, then stands aside to let_ CORCORAN _enter--and goes out_. DUCHESS: Well? CORCORAN: He's thinkin' it over. DUCHESS (_rising_): Thinking it over! CORCORAN: Gone to his hotel to wrestle till three o'clock. SEIDEL: And signed nothing? CORCORAN: Not a thing--if he'd seen it in black and white he'd 'a run like a rabbit. Don't you worry--he's O.K. SEIDEL: But suppose he repents? CORCORAN: He won't--you can repent in hundreds--you can repent in thousands--but when it comes to millions you're in a higher moral sphere. DUCHESS (_laughing, sits on stool C._): Poor Mr. Macadam! Almost I could be sorry--I thought his conscience was a rock. CORCORAN: Sure it's a rock--with holes in it. It'll last him longer for a good gold fillin'. [_The doors L. open and the_ KING _comes in with_ MILTON LEE. KING: Yes, yes, a Hollywood in Poldavia--you must find the capital--we have everything else. Beautiful scenery, beautiful girls--it is a national necessity. (_He sits L. on sofa._) DUCHESS: Mr. Lee, I think you have had the pleasure of meeting Senator Corcoran? LEE: Sure, Duchess. CORCORAN: The pleasure was mutual. LEE: Four years ago--a Mexican oil field, I remember. CORCORAN: I remember a lot more'n that. And I'm still holding the oil field---- LEE: Is that so? And I gather you're now tryin' to horn in on this deal, Senator? CORCORAN: If there _is_ a deal--I'll sure be there. LEE (_laughs_): I guess our Vice-President'll have somethin' to say about that. (_Sitting_) He's just readin' that remarkable document of yours. CORCORAN (_sitting L. of table R._): I'll be interested to hear him. [MONTGOMERY CURTIS _comes on, followed by the_ AMBASSADOR, _who goes down to the fireplace_. CURTIS, _who is boiling with suppressed rage, carries open in his hand the counterpart of_ CORCORAN'S _agreement_. DUCHESS (_with a mischievous smile_): Mr. Curtis, may I introduce to you Senator Corcoran. CURTIS: Thank you, we have met. CORCORAN (_smiling_): Sure, an' we meet again. DUCHESS: Will you not sit down, Mr. Curtis? CURTIS: Thank you, I prefer to stand. (_Holding out the paper_) Your Majesty, Mr. Ambassador, this is nothing but a common hold-up---- CORCORAN (_grinning_): Say an _un_common hold-up, Curtis. CURTIS (_ignoring him_): If your Majesty had sent this to us yesterday instead of signing it, I'd have got the State Department moving inside half an hour. CORCORAN: And then? CURTIS: And put you where you belong--you and your Reverend fellow crook. CORCORAN: Cut that out, Curtis----(_Growling._) CURTIS: You'd have been under indictment before you---- CORCORAN (_laughing_): Try an' get it! You ain't got nothing on me, Curtis--no one's got a thing on me! DUCHESS: Then, Senator, you must be either very good or very careful. CORCORAN: I guess I might be both, your Highness. DUCHESS (_laughing_): I did not think of that. CURTIS (_shaking the paper at him_): This is a criminal act--I can send this to the Attorney-General and---- CORCORAN (_springing up_): An' would you like to produce that document in court? CURTIS: No--there are obvious reasons why---- CORCORAN (_sitting_): Exactly. LEE: Is this a conference or a dog fight? Your Highness, I guess I must apologise for---- DUCHESS: Oh, but I adore a dog fight, when the dogs are men! KING: Or the men are dogs. (_Laughing._) CORCORAN: Mr. Lee, are we doin' business or are we not? LEE: What are your terms? CURTIS (_exploding_): Lee, are you going to stand for this--are you going to allow your company to be held up by a couple of blackmailers? CORCORAN (_rising_): Take that back, you---- CURTIS (_shouting him down_): Blackmailer--the worst sort that blackmails a woman. CORCORAN (_about to go for him_): You lousy son of a ----! DUCHESS: Senator! (_Springing up with outstretched hands--then quietly_) Mr. Curtis, that is not true. [_While the two men stand glaring at each other, she leans over the desk and takes from the green despatch-box the other half of the agreement which she opens and hands to_ CURTIS. Yesterday evening Senator Corcoran return to me the agreement we have signed. CORCORAN (_to_ CURTIS): When you an' your crook-lawyer broke my Mexican contract I could have fought you an' won, but fightin' your kind costs more'n it's worth. I ain't blackmailin' no one--I waited four years to get you where I want you, and I guess you're there now. (_Sits._) LEE: As we seem to have reached a comparative calm perhaps the Senator can proceed to state his terms. CORCORAN: Sure. First the Mexican deal--contract as before. LEE: Well, we signed it once--there ain't much damage in that. CORCORAN: Second--a seat on the board. CURTIS: Then I resign! [LEE _turns to him_. DUCHESS: Mr. Curtis, you cannot resign--it is from your brain and energy that the Poldavian Oil deal is born. You must stay to help it grow up. Besides I know that you will _want_ the Senator on the board--this morning he have bought the concession of his Majesty's hunting forest. LEE (_jumping up_): The what? Your Majesty, I offered you ten million dollars for that concession at dinner last night. KING (_spreading his arms_): What can I do, my dear Mr. Lee, this morning the Senator give eleven. LEE: When was this fixed up? CORCORAN: Last night---- DUCHESS (_correcting him_): Yesterday evening, Senator--the preliminaries were discussed--the draft agreement was signed to-day. [CORCORAN _taps his pocket where the agreement is_. LEE: Say, Senator, I guess you ain't safe off the board. (_Sitting_) Anything more? CORCORAN: Third and lastly--the I.O.C. shall assign a fund of two million dollars for the building of a church in Kansas City---- CURTIS: A church! LEE: What'n hell is that for? CORCORAN: For the conscience of the Reverend Adam Bride Macadam. LEE: Gee! Well, if there's nothin' else standin' between us an' completin' the Poldavian Oil deal--I'll say the church is a flea-bite. DUCHESS (_rising with a sigh of relief_): So at the last minute the moment have arrive--we sign! (_She goes to the top of the desk, speaking as she passes to_ SEIDEL) Everything is in order, Count? [SEIDEL _has already laid the two documents open on the desk_. SEIDEL: Everything, your Highness. Mr. Lee, Mr. Curtis on this side, please. His Majesty there. LEE (_as they rise_): Guess your Majesty's been bored? KING: On the contrary--I hear spoken to-day for the first time the American language in its full purity. LEE (_chuckling_): We can do a hell of a lot better'n that, your Majesty. Oh boy! [LEE _and_ CURTIS _sit on the long stool R. of desk_, LEE _next the audience_, SEIDEL _standing above_ CURTIS. _The_ KING _is in chair L. of desk_, KAMP _above him, the_ DUCHESS _standing at top of desk_, CORCORAN _to the right above the round table_. DUCHESS: Your Majesty, gentlemen--we have incorporated the terms as laid down by Senator Corcoran in a rider--the agreements are made contingent on this---- [SEIDEL _bends, pointing it out to_ LEE _and_ CURTIS, KAMP _to the_ KING. _Over the bent heads as they read, the_ DUCHESS _and_ CORCORAN _stand smiling at each other. Through the doorway the cackling of the guests can be heard and just above it the voice of the_ USHER. USHER (_off_): The Portuguese minister and Madame ---- [_The name is lost._ LEE: Guess that's O.K. [CURTIS, LEE _having signed and blotted, hands contract to_ DUCHESS; _on the other side_ KAMP _hands his to_ LEE, _after the_ KING _has signed_. DUCHESS: A new page in the history of Poldavia. CURTIS: The page of prosperity. KING: And peace. DUCHESS: Peace with honour. KING: We hope so. DUCHESS: Mr. Lee, Senator, you will settle your agreement in detail to-day? LEE: O.K. with me. CORCORAN: Sure. [_The double doors open, and the_ BARONESS _enters as the voice of the_ USHER _is heard announcing_: USHER: His Excellency the German Ambassador and Frau von ---- BARONESS: Your Majesty, your Highness, the President will be here at any moment--I hope I don't intrude---- KING: No, no, Baroness--now at last everything is O.K.! Ho! ho! ho! DUCHESS: His Majesty will join you in a moment, Baroness. [LEE _and_ CURTIS _go out with_ SEIDEL, _the_ BARONESS _following with the_ AMBASSADOR. BARONESS: Our guests are most all here. USHER: General and Mrs. Platt, Miss Platt. DUCHESS: Your Majesty, you cannot go without some recognition of what Senator Corcoran has done for you. KING: What has he done? DUCHESS: I could not put it into words, but without him the Poldavian Oil deal would have crashed. KING: At our last meeting, Senator, you were out to destroy the Poldavian Oil deal--who has changed your mind? CORCORAN: I guess it was Count Seidel, your Majesty. KING: A remarkable man! DUCHESS: Oh! a modern Metternich. CORCORAN: He didn't say much, but the intellect, the feeling behind his words--I saw that your Majesty's interest and mine were the same. (_With a bow._) DUCHESS: And from that moment the Senator is at our side. I suggest your Majesty bestow on him an order---- KING: An order? So! DUCHESS: The order of the "Faithful Companions." KING: Hm! Second class. DUCHESS: First class. KING: Second class. You have not twenty-six quarters? CORCORAN (_puzzled_): I have nine million dollars. KING: Not money. The first class is reserved for families of twenty-six quarterings. CORCORAN: As an American citizen and a good democrat I could not accept a decoration, but I thank your Majesty for the offer--second class. KING: And we thank you for all that you have done for us. [_Shaking hands with him across the desk._ USHER (_off_): Miss Mamie Hatch. KING (_turning_): I think the President must be here at any minute now---- DUCHESS: You go--I follow. [_Exit_ KING. _The_ DUCHESS _takes from the despatch-box a casket_. Wait, I have something to give you--something to remember by. (_Giving him the casket_) No--do not open it--not yet. (_He lays it on the desk._) Well, are you satisfied? CORCORAN: Sure--and you? DUCHESS: Sure. You ought to be. CORCORAN: Ought I? DUCHESS: You get everything you want. CORCORAN: But I can't keep it. DUCHESS: Why not? CORCORAN: You are going away. DUCHESS: That is the perfect ending--to go away. USHER (_off_): Rear Admiral Van Stutter--Miss Van Stutter. CORCORAN: Hell! To-morrow night you'll be on the _Aquitania_. When am I to see you again? DUCHESS: You have oil in Poldavia---- CORCORAN: Sure---- DUCHESS: I too might be there--(_Bending across the desk._) CORCORAN: So might I. (_Bending towards her._) [KAMP _entering_. KAMP: Your Highness--the President. DUCHESS: _Krashtovida!!!_ [_Exit with_ KAMP. CORCORAN _looks at the casket then opens it. There is a hush outside--someone is coming--he takes out an iron gauntlet with a card attached and reads_: CORCORAN: "The velvet hand in the iron glove--a souvenir." (_Looking up with a slow expanding smile_) Well, what d'ye know about that? USHER (_off_): The President of the United States and Mrs. ---- [_The crash of the opening chord, as the orchestra in the farthest room breaks into "The Star Spangled Banner." drowns the name still in the womb of history. He puts the glove in the box, tucks it under his arm, and hurries towards the doors._ CURTAIN TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES Although the Duchess's English is good, she uses an improper verb form with the 3rd person singular several times (e.g. he have bought). Those incorrect forms have been retained. The following changes were made to the original text: Page 201: DUCHESS: It is all right--he aska the question first. to DUCHESS: It is all right--he ask the question first. Page 248: Rear Admiral Van Stutter--Miss Van Stetter. to Rear Admiral Van Stutter--Miss Van Stutter. Other than adding a missing quotation mark and two missing semi-colons, changing a period to a comma, and changing three italicized character names to small capitals, minor variations in spelling and punctuation have been preserved. [End of The Improper Duchess, by James B. Fagan]