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Title: Idiot's Delight Author: Sherwood, Robert Emmet (1896-1955) Date of first publication: 1936 Edition used as base for this ebook: New York and London: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1936 [first edition] Date first posted: 26 March 2012 Date last updated: 26 March 2012 Project Gutenberg Canada ebook #929 This ebook was produced by: Barbara Watson, Mark Akrigg & the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net IDIOT'S DELIGHT BY ROBERT EMMET SHERWOOD IDIOT'S DELIGHT THE PETRIFIED FOREST REUNION IN VIENNA THIS IS NEW YORK THE VIRTUOUS KNIGHT WATERLOO BRIDGE THE QUEEN'S HUSBAND THE ROAD TO ROME CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS IDIOT'S DELIGHT BY ROBERT EMMET SHERWOOD CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS · NEW YORK CHARLES SCRIBNER'S SONS · LTD · LONDON 1936 Copyright, 1935, 1936, by ROBERT EMMET SHERWOOD Printed in the United States of America _All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without the permission of Charles Scribner's Sons_ CAUTION! Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that _Idiot's Delight_, being fully protected under the Copyright Laws of the United States of America, the British Empire, including the Dominion of Canada, and all other countries of the Copyright Union, is subject to royalty. All rights, including professional, amateur, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is laid on the question of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author's agent in writing. All inquiries should be addressed to the author's agent, Harold Freedman, 101 Park Avenue, New York City. THIS PLAY IS LOVINGLY DEDICATED TO LYNN FONTANNE AND ALFRED LUNT IDIOT'S DELIGHT Presented by the Theatre Guild, at the National Theatre, Washington, D. C., March 9th, 1936, with the following cast: DUMPTSY George Meader ORCHESTRA LEADER Stephen Sandes DONALD NAVADEL Barry Thompson PITTALUGA S. Thomas Gomez AUGUSTE Edgar Barrier CAPTAIN LOCICERO Edward Raquello DR. WALDERSEE Sydney Greenstreet MR. CHERRY Bretaigne Windust MRS. CHERRY Jean Macintyre HARRY VAN Alfred Lunt SHIRLEY Jacqueline Paige BEULAH Connie Crowell BEBE Ruth Timmons FRANCINE Etna Ross ELAINE Marjorie Baglin EDNA Frances Foley MAJOR George Greenberg FIRST OFFICER Alan Hewitt SECOND OFFICER Winston Ross THIRD OFFICER Gilmore Bush FOURTH OFFICER Tomasso Tittoni QUILLERY Richard Whorf SIGNOR ROSSI Le Roi Operti SIGNORA ROSSI Ernestine de Becker MAID Una Val ACHILLE WEBER Francis Compton IRENE Lynn Fontanne The scene of the play, designed by Lee Simonson, is the cocktail lounge in the Hotel Monte Gabriele, in the Italian Alps, near the frontiers of Switzerland and Austria. ACT I Afternoon of a winter day in any imminent year. ACT II Scene I. Eight o'clock that evening. Scene II. Eleven o'clock that evening. Scene III. After midnight. ACT III The following afternoon. IDIOT'S DELIGHT ACT I _The cocktail lounge of the Hotel Monte Gabriele._ _The hotel is a small one, which would like to consider itself a first-class resort. It was originally an Austrian sanatorium. Its Italian management has refurnished it and added this cocktail lounge and a few modern bedrooms with baths, in the hope that some day Monte Gabriele may become a rival for St. Moritz. So far, this is still a hope. Although the weather is fine, the supply of winter sports enthusiasts at Monte Gabriele is negligible, and the hotel is relying for its trade upon those itinerants who, because of the current political situation, are desirous of leaving Italy._ _Near at hand are a railway line into Switzerland, highways into Switzerland and Austria, and an Italian army airport._ _At the left, up-stage, is a large doorway, leading to the lobby, in which we can just see the Reception Desk._ _At the upper right is a staircase. A few steps up is a landing, above which is a high window with a fine view of the Alpine scenery to the North and West. The panes are fringed with frost. From the landing, the stairs continue up to a gallery which leads to bedrooms off to the upper left._ _Downstairs left is a swinging door marked with the word "BAR."_ _Over this bar entrance are crossed skis and the head of a mountain goat. On the wall at the right is a Fascist emblem with crossed Italian flags. About the Reception Desk, off to the left, are signs assuring the guest that this hotel has been approved by all the automobile associations of Europe and that Travellers' Cheques may be cashed here. Somewhere on the walls are pictures of the Coliseum and the S.S. "Conte di Savoia."_ _There are small tables and chairs about, with perhaps a couch or two. At the left is a piano, and when the first curtain rises a dismal little four-piece orchestra is playing_ "June in January." _Note a line in the dialogue along toward the end of Act One: there is something about this place that suggests "a vague kind of horror." This is nothing definite, or identifiable, or even, immediately, apparent. Just an intimation._ _Behind the Reception Desk_, PITTALUGA _is occasionally visible. He is the proprietor of the hotel--a fussy, worried little Italian in the conventional morning coat and striped pants._ _On the landing at the upper right, looking dolefully out the window, is_ DONALD NAVADEL, _a rather precious, youngish American, suitably costumed for winter sports by Saks Fifth Avenue. Experienced in the resort business, he was imported this year to organize sporting and social life at Monte Gabriele with a view to making it a Mecca for American tourists. He is not pleased with the way things have turned out._ DUMPTSY _comes in from the left. He is an humble, gentle little bell-boy, aged about forty, born in this district when it was part of Austria, but now a subject of the Fascist Empire. He has come in to clean the ash-trays. He listens to the music._ DUMPTSY Come si chiama questa musica che suonate? ORCHESTRA LEADER Il pezzo si chiama: "Giugno in Gennaio." DUMPTSY Oh, com'è bello! Mi piace! (_To_ DON.) It's good. DON Will you please for God's sake stop playing that same damned tiresome thing? DUMPTSY You don't like it, Mr. Navadel? DON I'm so sick of it, I could scream! DUMPTSY I like it. To me, it's good. DON Go on, and clean the ash-trays. DUMPTSY But they're not dirty, sir. Because there's nobody using them. DON There's no need to remind me of _that_! Do as you're told! DUMPTSY If you please, sir. (_He whistles the tune and goes out._) DON (_to the_ LEADER) You've played enough. Get out! LEADER But it is not yet three o'clock. DON Never mind what time it is. There's nobody here to listen to you, is there? You can just save the wear and tear on your harpsichord and go grab yourselves a smoke. LEADER Very good, Mr. Navadel. (_To the other musicians_) E inutile continuare a suonare. La gente non ascolta più. Si potrà invece far quattro chiacchiere e fumare una sigaretta. (_They put away instruments and music and start to go out, as_ PITTALUGA _appears bristling_.) PITTALUGA (_to_ LEADER) Eh, professori? Perchè avete cessato di suonare? Non sono ancora le tre. LEADER Il Signor Navadel ci ha detta di andare a fumare egli ne ha avuto abbastanza della nostra musica. (_The_ MUSICIANS _have gone_.) PITTALUGA (_going to_ DON) You told my orchestra it would stop? DON (_untroubled_) I did. PITTALUGA My orders to them are they play in here until three o'clock. Why do you take it to yourself to countermand my orders? DON Because their performance was just a little too macabre to be bearable. PITTALUGA So! You have made yourself the manager of this hotel, have you? You give orders to the musicians. Next you will be giving orders to me--and to the guests themselves, I have no doubt. . . . DON The guests! (_He laughs drily._) That's really very funny. Consult your room chart, my dear Signor Pittaluga, and let me know how many guests there are that I can give orders to. The number when last I counted . . . PITTALUGA And you stop being insolent, you--animale fetente. I pay you my money, when I am plunging myself into bankruptcy. . . . DON Yes, yes, Signor--we know all about that. You pay me your money. And you have a right to know that I'm fed to the teeth with this little pension that you euphemistically call a high-grade resort hotel. Indeed, I'm fed to the teeth with you personally. PITTALUGA (_in a much friendlier tone_) Ah! So you wish to leave us! I'm very sorry, my dear Donald. We shall miss you. DON My contract expires on March the first. I shall bear it until then. PITTALUGA You insult me by saying you are fed with me, but you go on taking my money? DON Yes! PITTALUGA Pezzo mascalzone farabutto prepotente canaglia . . . DON And it will do you no good to call me names in your native tongue. I've had a conspicuously successful career in this business, all the way from Santa Barbara to St. Moritz. And you lured me away from a superb job . . . PITTALUGA (_as_ DON _continues_) Lazzarone, briccone, bestione. Perdio. DON . . . with your glowing descriptions of this handsome place, and the crowds of sportlovers, gay, mad, desperately chic, who were flocking here from London, Paris, New York. . . . PITTALUGA Did _I_ know what was going to happen? Am _I_ the king of Europe? DON You are the proprietor of this obscure tavern. You're presumably responsible for the fact that it's a deadly, boring dump! PITTALUGA Yes! And I engaged you because I thought you had friends--rich friends--and they would come here after you instead of St. Moritz, and Muerren, and Chamonix. And where are your friends? What am I paying you for? To countermand my orders and tell me you are fed . . . (_Wails from warning sirens are heard from off-stage right._ PITTALUGA _stops short. Both listen._) Che cosa succede? DON That's from down on the flying field. PITTALUGA It is the warning for the air raids! (AUGUSTE, _the barman, is heard in bar off-stage, left_.) AUGUSTE'S VOICE Che cosa? (PITTALUGA _and_ DON _rush to the window_.) PITTALUGA Segnali d'incursione. La guerra e incominiciata e il nemico viene. (_Airplane motors are heard off right._) DON (_looking through window_) Look! The planes are taking off. They're the little ones--the combat planes. (CAPTAIN LOCICERO _enters from the lobby. He is the officer in charge of the frontier station. He is tired, quiet, nice._ AUGUSTE _enters from the bar_. DUMPTSY _follows the_ CAPTAIN.) AUGUSTE Signor Capitano! CAPTAIN Buona sera! (AUGUSTE _helps him take off his coat_.) DUMPTSY Che cosa succede, Signor Capitano? È la guerra? CAPTAIN No--no--datemi cognac. (DUMPTSY _puts coat on chair right of table and goes up and exits through arch center_. CAPTAIN _sits chair left of table_.) AUGUSTE (_as he goes out_) Si, signor Capitano. (_The_ CAPTAIN _sits down at a table_. PITTALUGA _and_ DON _cross to him_. DUMPTSY _goes_.) PITTALUGA Che cosa significano quei terribili segnali? È, forse, il nemico che arriva? DON What's happened, Captain? Is there an air raid? Has the war started? CAPTAIN (_smiling_) Who knows? But there is no raid. (_The porter's hand-bell in the lobby is heard._) They're only testing the sirens, to see how fast the combat planes can go into action. You understand--it's like lifeboat drill on a ship. (DUMPTSY _enters_.) DUMPTSY Scusi, padrone. Due Inglesi arrivati. (_He hurries out._) PITTALUGA Scusi. Vengo subito. Presto, presto! (_He goes._) CAPTAIN Have a drink, Mr. Navadel? DON Thank you very much--but some guests are actually arriving. I must go and be very affable. (_He goes._ DR. WALDERSEE _appears on the gallery above and comes down the stairs as_ AUGUSTE _enters from the bar and serves the_ CAPTAIN _with brandy and soda. The_ DOCTOR _is an elderly, stout, crotchetty, sad German_.) CAPTAIN Good afternoon, Doctor. Have a drink? DOCTOR Thank you very much--no. What is all that aeroplanes? (AUGUSTE _goes_.) CAPTAIN This is a crucial spot, Dr. Waldersee. We must be prepared for visits from the enemy. DOCTOR Enemy, eh? And who is that? CAPTAIN I don't quite know, yet. The map of Europe supplies us with a wide choice of opponents. I suppose, in due time, our government will announce its selection--and we shall know just whom we are to shoot at. DOCTOR Nonsense! Obscene nonsense! CAPTAIN Yes--yes. But the taste for obscenity is incurable, isn't it? DOCTOR When will you let me go into Switzerland? CAPTAIN Again I am powerless to answer you. My orders are that no one for the time being shall cross the frontiers, either into Switzerland or Austria. DOCTOR And when will this "time being" end? CAPTAIN When Rome makes its decision between friend and foe. DOCTOR I am a German subject. I am not your foe. CAPTAIN I am sure of that, Dr. Waldersee. The two great Fascist states stand together, against the world. DOCTOR (_passionately_) Fascism has nothing to do with it! I am a scientist. I am a servant of the whole damn stupid human race. (_He crosses toward the_ CAPTAIN.) If you delay me any longer here, my experiments will be ruined. Can't you appreciate that? I must get my rats at once to the laboratory in Zurich, or all my months and years of research will have gone for nothing. (DON _enters, followed by_ MR. _and_ MRS. CHERRY--_a pleasant young English couple in the first flush of their honeymoon_.) DON This is our cocktail lounge. There is the American bar. We have a thé dansant here every afternoon at 4:30--supper dancing in the evening. CHERRY Charming. DON All this part of the hotel is new. Your rooms are up there. (_He crosses to the window._) I think you'll concede that the view from here is unparalleled. We can look into four countries. (_The_ CHERRYS _follow him to the window_.) Here in the foreground, of course, is Italy. This was formerly Austrian territory, transferred by the treaty of Versailles. It's called Monte Gabriele in honor of D'Annunzio, Italian poet and patriot. Off there is Switzerland and there is Austria. And far off, you can just see the tip of a mountain peak that is in the Bavarian Tyrol. Rather gorgeous, isn't it? CHERRY Yes. MRS. CHERRY Darling--_look_ at that sky! CHERRY I say, it _is_ rather good. DON Do you go in for winter sports, Mrs. Cherry? MRS. CHERRY Oh, yes--I--we're very keen on them. DON Splendid! We have everything here. CHERRY I've usually gone to Kitzbuhel. (PITTALUGA _and_ DUMPTSY _appear up-stage and speak in Italian through the dialogue_.) PITTALUGA Dumptsy, il bagaglio è stato portato su? DUMPTSY Si, signore, è già sopra. PITTALUGA Sta bene, vattene. DON It's lovely there, too. CHERRY But I hear it has become much too crowded there now. I--my wife and I hoped it would be quieter here. DON Well--at the moment--it is rather quiet here. PITTALUGA (_coming down_) Your luggage has been sent up, Signor. Would you care to see your room now? CHERRY Yes. Thank you. PITTALUGA If you will have the goodness to step this way. (_He goes up the stairs._) 'Scuse me. CHERRY (_pauses at the window on the way up_) What's that big bare patch down there? DON (_casually_) Oh, that's the airport. (PITTALUGA _coughs discreetly_.) We have a great deal of flying here. PITTALUGA Right this way, please. CHERRY Oh--I see. (_They continue on up, preceded by_ PITTALUGA.) DON And do come down for the thé dansant. MRS. CHERRY We should love to. PITTALUGA Right straight ahead, please. (_They exit through gallery._) DON (_standing on first step_) Honeymooners. CAPTAIN Yes--poor creatures. DON They wanted quiet. DOCTOR (_rises_) Ach Gott! When will you know when I can cross into Switzerland? CAPTAIN The instant that word comes through from Rome. (_The hand-bell is heard._) You understand that I am only an obscure frontier official. And here in Italy, as in your own Germany, authority is centralized. DOCTOR But you can send a telegram to Rome, explaining the urgency of my position. (DUMPTSY _appears, greatly excited_.) DUMPTSY More guests from the bus, Mr. Navadel. Seven of them! (_He goes._) DON _Good_ God! (_He goes out._) DOCTOR Ach, es gibt kein Ruhe hier. CAPTAIN I assure you, Dr. Waldersee, I shall do all in my power. DOCTOR They must be made to understand that time is of vital importance. CAPTAIN Yes, I know. DOCTOR I have no equipment here to examine them properly--no assistant for the constant observation that is essential if my experiments are to succeed . . . CAPTAIN (_a trifle wearily_) I'm so sorry . . . DOCTOR Yes! You say you are so sorry. But what do you _do_? You have no comprehension of what is at stake. You are a soldier and indifferent to death. You say you are sorry, but it is nothing to you that hundreds of thousands, _millions_, are dying from a disease that it is within my power to cure! CAPTAIN Again, I assure you, Dr. Waldersee, that I . . . DON'S VOICE Our Mr. Pittaluga will be down in a moment. In the meantime, perhaps you and the--the others . . . (_He comes in, followed by_ HARRY VAN, _a wan, thoughtful, lonely American vaudevillian promoter, press agent, book-agent, crooner, hoofer, barker or shill, who has undertaken all sorts of jobs in his time, all of them capitalizing his powers of salesmanship, and none of them entirely honest. He wears a snappy, belted, polo coat and a brown felt hat with brim turned down on all sides_) . . . would care to sit here in the cocktail lounge. We have a thé dansant here at 4:30 . . . supper dancing in the evening . . . HARRY Do you run this hotel? DON I'm the Social Manager. HARRY What? DON The Social Manager. HARRY Oh! American, aren't you? DON I am. Santa Barbara's my home, and Donald Navadel is my name. HARRY Happy to know you. My name's Harry Van. (_They shake hands._) DON Glad to have you here, Mr. Van. Are you--staying with us long? DOCTOR (_rising_) I shall myself send a telegram to Rome, to the German Embassy. CAPTAIN They might well be able to expedite matters. (_The_ DOCTOR _goes_.) HARRY I've got to get over that border. When I came in on the train from Fiume, they told me the border is closed, and the train is stuck here for to-night and maybe longer. I asked them why, but they either didn't know or they refused to divulge their secrets to me. What seems to be the trouble? DON Perhaps Captain Locicero can help you. He's the commander of Italian Headquarters here. This is Mr. Van, Captain. CAPTAIN (_rising_) Mr. Van, my compliments. HARRY And mine to you, Captain. We're trying to get to Geneva. CAPTAIN You have an American passport? HARRY I have. Several of them. (_He reaches in his pocket and takes out seven passports, bound together with elastic. He fans them like a deck of cards and hands them to the_ CAPTAIN.) CAPTAIN You have your family with you? HARRY Well--it isn't exactly a family. (_He goes to the right._) Come in here, girls! SHIRLEY (_from off-stage_) Come on in, kids. Harry wants us. (_Six blonde chorus girls come in. They are named_: SHIRLEY, BEULAH, BEBE, FRANCINE, EDNA _and_ ELAINE. _Of these_, SHIRLEY _is the principal, a frank, knowing fan dancer_. BEULAH _is a bubble dancer, and therefore ethereal_. BEBE _is a hard, harsh little number who shimmies_. DON _doesn't know quite how to take this surprising troupe, but the_ CAPTAIN _is impressed, favorably_.) HARRY Allow me to introduce the girls, Captain. We call them "Les Blondes." We've been playing the Balkan circuit--Budapest, Bucharest, Sofia, Belgrade, and Zagreb. (_He turns to_ DON.) Back home, that would be the equivalent of "Pan Time." (_He laughs nervously, to indicate that the foregoing was a gag._) CAPTAIN (_bowing_) How do you do? HARRY The Captain is head man, girls. GIRLS How do you do? . . . Pleased to meet you. . . . Etc. HARRY The situation in brief is this, Captain. We've got very attractive bookings at a night spot in Geneva. Undoubtedly they feel that the League of Nations needs us. (_Another laugh._) It's important that we get there at once. So, Captain, I'll be grateful for prompt action. CAPTAIN (_looking at the first passport_) Miss Shirley Laughlin. HARRY Laughlin. This is Shirley. Step up, honey. (SHIRLEY _steps forward_.) CAPTAIN (_pleased with_ SHIRLEY) How do you do? SHIRLEY Pleased to meet you. CAPTAIN This photograph hardly does you justice. SHIRLEY I know. It's terrible, isn't it! HARRY (_interrupting_) Who's next, Captain? CAPTAIN Miss Beulah Tremoyne. HARRY Come on, Beulah. (_She comes forward in a wide sweep, as_ SHIRLEY _goes up and joins the group_.) Beulah is our bubble dancer, a product of the æsthetic school, and therefore more of a dreamer. CAPTAIN Exquisite! BEULAH Thank you _ever_ so much. (_She starts to sit down by the_ CAPTAIN. _She is turning it on._) HARRY That'll be all, Beulah. CAPTAIN Miss Elaine Messiger---- HARRY Come on, babe. CAPTAIN Miss Francine Merle---- HARRY No tricks, Francine. This is just identification. CAPTAIN Miss Edna Creesh---- HARRY Turn it off, honey. CAPTAIN And Miss Bebe Gould. HARRY You'll find Bebe a very, very lovely girl. BEBE (_remonstrating_) _Harry!_ HARRY A shimmy artiste, and incorrigibly unsophisticated. CAPTAIN (_summing up_) Very beautiful. Very, very beautiful. Mr. Van, I congratulate you. HARRY That's nice of you, Captain. Now, can we . . . CAPTAIN And I wish I, too, were going to Geneva. (_He hands back the passports to_ HARRY.) HARRY Then it's O.K. for us to pass? CAPTAIN But won't you young ladies sit down? SHIRLEY Thanks, Captain. BEULAH We'd love to. FRANCINE He's cute. EDNA I'll say. (_They all sit._) HARRY I don't want to seem oblivious of your courtesy, Captain, but the fact is we can't afford to hang around here any longer. That train may pull out and leave us. CAPTAIN I give you my word, that train will not move to-night, and maybe not to-morrow night, and maybe never. (_He bows deeply._) It is a matter of the deepest personal regret to me, Mr. Van, but---- HARRY Listen, pal. Could you stop being polite for just a moment, and tell us how do we get to Geneva? CAPTAIN That is not for me to say. I am as powerless as you are, Mr. Van. I, too, am a pawn. (_He picks up his coat and hat._) But, speaking for myself, I shall not be sorry if you and your beautiful companions are forced to remain here indefinitely. (_He salutes the girls, smiles and goes out._) HARRY Did you hear that? He says he's a pawn. BEBE He's a Wop. BEULAH But he's cute! SHIRLEY Personally, I'd just as soon stay here. I'm sick of the slats on those stinking day coaches. HARRY After the way we've been betrayed in the Balkans, we can't afford to stay any place. (_He turns to_ DON.) What's the matter, anyway? Why can't decent respectable people be allowed to go about their legitimate business? DON Evidently you're not fully aware of the international situation. HARRY I'm fully aware that the international situation is always regrettable. But what's wrong now? DON Haven't you been reading the papers? HARRY In Bulgaria and Jugo-Slavia? (_He looks around at the girls, who laugh._) No. DON It may be difficult for you to understand, Mr. Van, but we happen to be on the brink of a frightful calamity. HARRY What? DON We're on the verge of War. SHIRLEY War? BEBE What about? HARRY You mean--that business in Africa? DON Far more serious than that! _World_ war! All of them! HARRY No lie! You mean--it'll be started by people like that? (_Points after the_ CAPTAIN.) Italians? DON Yes. They've reached the breaking point. HARRY I don't believe it. I don't believe that people like that would take on the job of licking the world. They're too romantic. (PITTALUGA _steps forward_.) PITTALUGA Do you wish rooms, Signor? HARRY What have you got? PITTALUGA We can give you grande luxe accommodations, rooms with baths. . . . HARRY What's your scale of prices? PITTALUGA From fifty lira up. DON That's about five dollars a day. HARRY (_wincing_) What? DON Meals included. HARRY I take it there's the usual professional discount. PITTALUGA (_to_ DON) Che cosa significa? DON Mr. Van and the young ladies are artists. PITTALUGA Ebbene? DON (_scornfully_) In America we give special rates to artists. PITTALUGA (_grimly_) Non posso, non posso. (_The_ CHERRYS _appear on the balcony above_.) DON I'm sure Mr. Pittaluga will take care of you nicely, Mr. Van. He will show you attractive rooms on the _other_ side of the hotel. They're delightful. HARRY No doubt. But I want to see the accommodations. PITTALUGA Step this way, please. HARRY Come on, girls. Now--I want two girls to a room, and a single room for me adjoining. I promised their mothers I'd always be within earshot. Put on your shoes, Beulah. (_He goes out right, followed by the_ GIRLS, _and_ DON.) BEULAH (_as they go_) Why's he kicking? I think this place is _attractive_! SHIRLEY Oh--you know Harry. He's always got to have something to worry about. (_They have gone._) MRS. CHERRY (_coming down_) What an extraordinary gathering! CHERRY There's something I've never been able to understand--the tendency of Americans to travel en masse. (_They pause to admire the view and each other. He takes her in his arms and kisses her._) Darling! MRS. CHERRY What? CHERRY Nothing. I just said, "Darling"! (_He kisses her again._) My sweet. I love you. MRS. CHERRY That's right. (_She kisses him._) CHERRY I think we're going to like it here, aren't we, darling? MRS. CHERRY Yes. You'll find a lot to paint. CHERRY No doubt. But I'm not going to waste any time painting. MRS. CHERRY Why not, Jimmy? You've got to work and---- CHERRY Don't ask "why not" in that laboriously girlish tone! You know damned well why not! MRS. CHERRY (_laughing_) Now really, darling. We don't have to be maudlin. We're old enough to be sensible about it, aren't we! CHERRY God forbid that we should spoil everything by being sensible! This is an occasion for pure and beautiful foolishness. So don't irritate me by any further mention of work. MRS. CHERRY Very well, darling. If you're going to be stinking about it . . . (_He kisses her again._) (_The_ DOCTOR _comes in from the right and regards their love-making with scant enthusiasm. They look up and see him. They aren't embarrassed._) CHERRY How do you do? DOCTOR Don't let me interrupt you. (_He rings a bell and sits down._) CHERRY It's quite all right. We were just starting out for a walk. MRS. CHERRY The air is so marvellous up here, isn't it? DOCTOR (_doubtfully_) Yes. (DUMPTSY _comes in from the right_.) CHERRY Yes--we think so. Come on, darling. (_They go out at the back._) DOCTOR Mineral water. DUMPTSY Yes, sir. (QUILLERY _comes in and sits at the left. He is small, dark, brooding and French--an extreme-radical-socialist, but still, French._) DOCTOR Not iced--warm. DUMPTSY If you please, sir. (_He goes out, left._) (_A group of five Italian flying corps officers come in, talking gaily in Italian. They cross to the bar entrance and go out._) FIRST OFFICER Sono Americane. SECOND OFFICER Sono belle, proprio da far strabiliare. THIRD OFFICER Forse sarrano stelle cinematografiche di Hollyvood. SECOND OFFICER E forse ora non ci rincrescerà che abbiano cancellato la nostra licenza. (_They go into the bar._) HARRY (_coming in_) Good afternoon. DOCTOR Good afternoon. HARRY Have a drink? DOCTOR I am about to have one. HARRY Mind if I join you? (_He sits down near the_ DOCTOR.) DOCTOR This is a public room. HARRY (_whistles a snatch of a tune_) It's a funny kind of situation, isn't it? DOCTOR To what situation do you refer? HARRY All this stopping of trains . . . (DUMPTSY _enters from the bar and serves the_ DOCTOR _with a glass of mineral water_) and orders from Rome and we are on the threshold of calamity. DOCTOR To me it is not funny. (_He rises with his mineral water._) HARRY Get me a Scotch. DUMPTSY With soda, sir? HARRY Yes. DUMPTSY If you please, sir. QUILLERY I will have a beer. DUMPTSY We have native or imported, sir. QUILLERY Native will do. DUMPTSY If you please, sir. (_He goes out._) DOCTOR I repeat--to me it is _not_ funny! (_He bows._) You will excuse me. HARRY Certainly. . . . See you later, pal. (_The_ DOCTOR _goes_. HARRY _turns to_ QUILLERY.) Friendly old bastard! QUILLERY Quite! But you were right. The situation _is_ funny. There is always something essentially laughable in the thought of a lunatic asylum. Although, it may perhaps seem less funny when you are inside. HARRY I guess so. I guess it isn't easy for Germans to see the comical side of things these days. Do you mind if I join you? (_He rises and crosses to the left._) QUILLERY I beg of you to do so, my comrade. HARRY I don't like to thrust myself forward--(_He sits down_)--but, you see, I travel with a group of blondes, and it's always a relief to find somebody to talk to. Have you seen the girls? QUILLERY Oh, yes. HARRY Alluring, aren't they? QUILLERY Very alluring. (DUMPTSY _comes in with the drinks and goes_.) (HARRY _takes out his chewing gum, wraps it in paper, places it in a silver snuff box, which he shows to_ QUILLERY.) HARRY That's a genuine antique snuff box of the period of Louis Quinze. QUILLERY Very interesting. HARRY It's a museum piece. (_Puts the box in his pocket._) You've got to hoard your gum here in Europe. QUILLERY You've travelled far? HARRY Yeah--I've been a long way with that gorgeous array of beautiful girls. I took 'em from New York to Monte Carlo. To say we were a sensation in Monte Carlo would be to state a simple incontrovertible fact. But then I made the mistake of accepting an offer from the manager of the Club Arizona in Budapest. I found that conditions in the South-East are not so good. QUILLERY I travelled on the train with you from Zagreb. HARRY Zagreb! A plague spot! What were you doing there? QUILLERY I was attending the Labor Congress. HARRY Yeah--I heard about that. The night club people thought that the congress would bring in a lot of business. They were wrong. But--excuse me--(_Rises._) My name is Harry Van. QUILLERY (_rises_) Quillery is my name. HARRY Glad to know you, Mr.----? QUILLERY Quillery. HARRY Quillery. (_Sits._) I'm an American. What's your nationality? QUILLERY I have no nationality. (_Sits._) I drink to your good health. HARRY And to your lack of nationality, of which I approve. (_They drink._ SIGNOR _and_ SIGNORA ROSSI _come in and cross to the bar_. ROSSI _is a consumptive_.) ROSSI Abbiamo trascorso una bella giornata, Nina. Beviamo un po'? SIGNORA ROSSI Dopo tutto quell' esercizio ti farebbe male. Meglio che tu ti riposi per un'oretta. ROSSI Ma, no mi sento proprio bene. Andiamo. Mi riposerò più tardi. (_They go into the bar._) HARRY I get an awful kick hearing Italian. It's beautiful. Do you speak it? QUILLERY Only a little. I was born in France. And I love my home. Perhaps if I had raised pigs--like my father, and all his fathers, back to the time when Cæsar's Roman legions came--perhaps, if I had done that, I should have been a Frenchman, as they were. But I went to work in a factory--and machinery is international. HARRY And I suppose pigs are exclusively French? QUILLERY My father's pigs are! (HARRY _laughs_.) The factory where I have worked made artificial limbs--an industry that has been prosperous the last twenty years. But sometimes--in the evening--after my work--I would go out into the fields and help my father. And then, for a little while, I would become again a Frenchman. HARRY (_takes out his cigarette case_) That's a nice thought, pal. (_Offers_ QUILLERY _a cigarette_.) Have a smoke? QUILLERY No, thank you. HARRY I don't blame you. These Jugo-Slav cigarettes are not made of the same high-grade quality of manure to which I grew accustomed in Bulgaria. QUILLERY You know, my comrade--you seem to have a long view of things. HARRY So long that it gets very tiresome. QUILLERY The long view is not easy to sustain in this short-sighted world. HARRY You're right about that, pal. QUILLERY Let me give you an instance: There we were--gathered in Zagreb, representatives of the workers of all Europe. All brothers, collaborating harmoniously for the United Front! And now--we are rushing to our homes to prevent our people from plunging into mass murder--mass suicide! HARRY You're going to try to stop the war? QUILLERY Yes. HARRY Do you think you'll succeed? QUILLERY Unquestionably! This is not 1914, remember! Since then, some new voices have been heard in this world--loud voices. I need mention only one of them--Lenin--Nikolai Lenin! (_A ferocious looking_ MAJOR _of the Italian flying corps comes in and goes quickly to the bar. As he opens the door, he calls "Attention!" He goes into the bar, the door swinging to behind him._) HARRY Yes--but what are you going to do about people like _that_? QUILLERY Expose them! That's all we have to do. Expose them--for what they are--atavistic children! Occupying their undeveloped minds playing with outmoded toys. HARRY Have you _seen_ any of those toys? QUILLERY Yes! France is full of them. But there is a force more potent than all the bombing planes and submarines and tanks. And that is the mature intelligence of the workers of the world! There is one antidote for war--Revolution! And the cause of Revolution gains steadily in strength. Even here in Italy, despite all the repressive power of Fascism, sanity has survived, and it becomes more and more articulate. . . . HARRY Well, pal--you've got a fine point there. And I hope you stick to it. QUILLERY I'm afraid you think it is all futile idealism! HARRY No--I don't. And what if I did? I am an idealist myself. QUILLERY You too believe in the revolution? HARRY Not necessarily in _the_ revolution. I'm just in favor of any revolution. Anything that will make people wake up, and get themselves some convictions. Have you ever taken cocaine? QUILLERY Why--I imagine that I have--at the dentist's. HARRY No--I mean, for pleasure. You know--a vice. QUILLERY No! I've never indulged in that folly. HARRY I have--during a stage of my career when luck was bad and confusion prevailed. QUILLERY Ah, yes. You needed delusions of grandeur. HARRY That's just what they were. QUILLERY It must have been an interesting experience. HARRY It was illuminating. It taught me what is the precise trouble with the world to-day. We have become a race of drug addicts--hopped up with false beliefs--false fears--false enthusiasms. . . . (_The four_ OFFICERS _emerge from the bar, talking excitedly_.) SECOND OFFICER Ma, è state fatta la dichiarazone di guerra attuale? FIRST OFFICER Caricheremo delle bombe esplosive? THIRD OFFICER Se la guerra è veramente in cominciata, allora vuol dire che noi. . . . FOURTH OFFICER La guerra è in cominciata fra l'Italia e la Francia. (_All the above speeches are said together, as the_ MAJOR _enters from the bar_.) MAJOR Silenzio! Solo il vostro commandante conosce gli ordini. Andiamo! (_All five go out hurriedly._) QUILLERY (_jumps up_) Mother of God! Did you hear what they were saying? HARRY (_rises_) I heard, but I couldn't understand. QUILLERY It was about war. I know only a little Italian--but I thought they were saying that war has already been declared. (_He grabs his hat._) I _must_ go and demand that they let me cross the border! At once! (_He starts to go._) HARRY That's right, pal. There's no time to lose. QUILLERY Wait--I haven't paid. . . . (_He is fumbling for money._) HARRY No, no. This was my drink. You've got to hurry! QUILLERY Thank you, my comrade. (_He goes out quickly. Airplane motors are heard, off at the right._ HARRY _crosses to the window_. DUMPTSY _comes in to remove the empty glasses_.) DUMPTSY Fine view, isn't it, sir? HARRY I've seen worse. DUMPTSY Nothing quite like it, sir. From here, we look into four nations. Where you see that little village, at the far end of the valley--that is Austria. Isn't that beautiful over there? HARRY Are you Italian? DUMPTSY Well, yes, sir. That is to say, I didn't used to be. HARRY What did you used to be? DUMPTSY Austrian. All this part was Austria, until after the big war, when they decided these mountains must go to Italy, and I went with them. In one day, I became a foreigner. So now, my children learn only Italian in school, and when I and my wife talk our own language they can't understand us. (_He gets_ HARRY'S _drink and brings it over to him_.) They changed the name of this mountain. Monte Gabriele--that's what it is now. They named it after an Italian who dropped poems on Vienna. Even my old father--he's dead--but all the writing on the gravestones was in German, so they rubbed it out and translated it. So now he's Italian, too. But they didn't get my sister. She married a Swiss. She lives over there, in Schleins. HARRY She's lucky. DUMPTSY Yes--those Swiss are smart. HARRY Yeah, they had sense enough to get over there in the first place. DUMPTSY (_laughs_) But it doesn't make much difference who your masters are. When you get used to them, they're all the same. (_The Porter's bell rings._ PITTALUGA _appears_.) PITTALUGA Dumptsy! Dumptsy! Una gentildonna arriva. Prendi i suoi bagagli. Affretati! DUMPTSY Si, Signore. Vengo subito. (_He goes._) PITTALUGA (_claps his hands_) Sciocco! Anna, Per Dio! Dove sei stata, va sopra a preparare la stanza. (ANNA, _the maid, enters with towels_.) Presto, presto! (ANNA _runs up the steps, exits_. PITTALUGA _goes back into the lobby_.) IRENE'S VOICE Vieni, Achille. DON (_coming in_) This is our cocktail lounge, madame. (IRENE _enters. She is somewhere between thirty and forty, beautiful, heavily and smartly furred in the Russian manner. Her hair is blonde and quite straight. She is a model of worldly wisdom, chic, and carefully applied graciousness. Her name is pronounced_ "EAR-RAY-NA." . . . _She surveys the room with polite appreciation, glancing briefly at_ HARRY.) DON Your suite is up there, madame. All this part of the hotel is quite new. IRENE How very nice! DON We have our best view from this side of the hotel. (_He goes to the window._ IRENE _follows slowly_.) You can see four countries--Italy, Switzerland, Austria and Bavaria. IRENE Magnificent! DON Yes--we're very proud of it. IRENE All those countries. And they all look so very much alike, don't they! DON Yes--they do really--from this distance. IRENE All covered with the beautiful snow. I think the whole world should be always covered with snow. It would be so much more clean, wouldn't it? DON By all means! IRENE Like in my Russia. White Russia. (_Sighs, and goes up to the next landing._) Oh, and--how exciting! A flying field. Look! They're bringing out the big bombers. DON Madame is interested in aviation? IRENE No, no. Just ordinary flying bores me. But there is no experience in life quite so thrilling as a parachute jump, is there! DON I've never had that thrill, I'm ashamed to say. IRENE Once I had to jump when I was flying over the jungle in Indo-China. It was indescribable. Drifting down, sinking into that great green sea of enchantment and hidden danger. (DUMPTSY _comes in_.) DON And you weren't afraid? IRENE No--no--I was not afraid. In moments like that, one is given the sense of eternity. HARRY (_viciously_) Dumptsy! Get me another Scotch. DUMPTSY Yes, sir. HARRY And put ice in it, this time. If you haven't got any ice, go out and scoop up some snow. DUMPTSY If you please, sir. (_He goes into the bar._) IRENE (_her gaze wandering about the room_) But your place is really charming. DON You're very kind. IRENE I must tell every one in Paris about it. There's something about this design--it suggests a--an amusing kind of horror. DON (_not knowing quite how to interpret that_) Madame is a student of decoration? IRENE No, no. Only an amateur, my friend. An amateur, I'm afraid, in everything. (_The siren sounds from off at the right._ IRENE, _near the top of the staircase, stops to listen_.) IRENE What is that? DON Oh--it's merely some kind of warning. They've been testing it. IRENE Warning? Warning against what? DON I believe it's for use in case of war. IRENE War? But there will be no war. (PITTALUGA _enters from the lobby, escorting_ ACHILLE WEBER--_which is pronounced_ "VAY-BAIR." _He is a thin, keen executive, wearing a neat little mustache and excellent clothes. In his lapel is the rosette of the Legion of Honor. He carries a brief case._) PITTALUGA (_as they come in_) Par ici, Monsieur Weber. Vous trouverez Madame ici . . . IRENE (_leaning over the railing_) Achille! WEBER (_pausing and looking up_) Yes, my dear? IRENE Achille--there will be no war, will there? WEBER (_amused_) No, no--Irene. There will be no war. They're all much too well prepared for it. (_He turns to_ PITTALUGA.) Where are our rooms? PITTALUGA Votre suite est par ici, Monsieur. La plus belle de la maison! La vue est superbe! IRENE (_to_ DON) There, you see! They will not fight. They are all much too much afraid of each other. (WEBER _is going up the staircase, ignoring the view_. PITTALUGA _is following_.) IRENE (_to_ WEBER) Achille--I am mad about this place! Je rafolle de cette place! WEBER (_calmly_) Yes, my dear. IRENE We must be sure to tell the Maharajah of Rajpipla, Achille. Can't you imagine how dear little "Pip" would love this? (_They go out on the landing above._) HARRY Who was that? DON (_impressed_) That was Achille Weber. One of the biggest men in France. I used to see him a lot at St. Moritz. (_There is a sound of airplane motors off at the right._) HARRY And the dame? Do you assume that is his wife? DON (_curtly_) Are you implying that she's not? HARRY No, no--I'm not implying a thing. (_He wanders to the piano._) I'm just kind of--kind of baffled. DON Evidently. (_He goes out._) (HARRY _at the piano strikes a chord of the Russian song_, "Kak Stranna." DUMPTSY _enters from the bar and serves_ HARRY _with Scotch. The off-stage noise increases as more planes take the air._) DUMPTSY (_at the window_) Do you see them--those aeroplanes--flying up from the field down there? HARRY (_glances toward window, without interest_) Yes--I see them. DUMPTSY Those are the big ones. They're full of bombs, to drop on people. Look! They're going north. Maybe Berlin. Maybe Paris. (HARRY _strikes a few chords_.) HARRY Did you ever jump with a parachute? DUMPTSY Why, no--sir. (_He looks questioningly at_ HARRY.) HARRY Well, I have--a couple of times. And it's nothing. But--I didn't land in any jungle. I landed where I was supposed to--in the Fair Grounds. DUMPTSY (_seriously_) That's interesting, sir. (_The_ ROSSIS _enter from the bar. He is holding a handkerchief to his mouth. She is supporting him as they cross._) SIGNORA ROSSI Non t'ho detto che dovevi fare attenzione? Te l'ho detto, te l'ho detto che sarebbe accaduto ciò. Vedi, ora ti piglia un accesso di tosse. ROSSI 'Scusatemi, Mina. (_Another coughing fit._) SIGNORA ROSSI Va a sdraiarti. Dovresti riposarti a lungo. E adopera il termometro. Scometto che t'è aumentata la temperatura. (_They go out._) DUMPTSY That Signor Rossi--he has tuberculosis. HARRY Is he getting cured up here? (_The_ DOCTOR _appears on the landing above_.) DUMPTSY Ja. This used to be a sanatorium, in the old days. But the Fascisti--they don't like to admit that any one can be sick! (_He starts to go._) DOCTOR Dumptsy! DUMPTSY Herr Doctor. DOCTOR (_coming down_) Mineral water. DUMPTSY Ja wohl, Herr Doctor. (DUMPTSY _goes out, left. The_ DOCTOR _sits down_. HARRY _takes one more look toward the gallery, where_ IRENE _had been. He then looks at the_ DOCTOR, _and decides not to suggest joining him. He starts to play_ "Kak Stranna." _The_ DOCTOR _turns and looks at him, with some surprise. The uproar of planes is now terrific, but it starts to dwindle as the planes depart._) DOCTOR What is that you are playing? HARRY A Russian song, entitled "Kak Stranna," meaning "how strange!" One of those morose ballads about how once we met, for one immortal moment, like ships that pass in the night. Or maybe like a couple of trucks, side-swiping each other. And now we meet again! How strange! DOCTOR You are a musician? HARRY Certainly. I used to play the piano in picture theatres--when that was the only kind of sound they had--except the peanuts. (DUMPTSY _brings in the mineral water and stops to listen, admiringly_.) DOCTOR Do you know Bach? HARRY With pleasure. (_He shifts into something or other by Bach._) DOCTOR (_after a moment_) You have good appreciation, but not much skill. HARRY What do you mean, not much skill? Listen to this. (_He goes into a trick arrangement of_ "The Waters of the Minnetonka.") "The Waters of the Minnetonka"--Cadman. (_He goes on playing._) Suitable for Scenics--Niagara Falls by moonlight. Or--if you play it this way--it goes fine with the scene where the young Indian chief turns out to be a Yale man, so it's O.K. for him to marry Lillian ("Dimples") Walker. (_Starts playing_ "Boola, Boola.") DOCTOR Will you have a drink? HARRY Oh! So you want me to stop playing? DOCTOR No, no! I like your music very much. HARRY Then, in that case, I'd be delighted to drink with you. Another Scotch, Dumptsy. DUMPTSY If you please, sir. (_He goes out._) DOCTOR I'm afraid I was rude to you. HARRY That's all right, pal. I've been rude to lots of people, and never regretted it. (_He plays on, shifting back into_ "Kak Stranna.") DOCTOR The fact is, I am a man who is very gravely distressed. HARRY I can see that, Doctor. And I sympathize with you. DOCTOR (_fiercely_) You cannot sympathize with me, because you do not know! HARRY No--I guess I don't know--except in a general way. DOCTOR You are familiar with the writings of Thomas Mann. (_It is a challenge, rather than a question._) HARRY I'm afraid not, pal. (_The_ DOCTOR _opens_ "The Magic Mountain," _which he has been reading_.) DOCTOR "Backsliding"--he said--"spiritual backsliding to that dark and tortured age--that, believe me, is disease! A degradation of mankind--a degradation painful and offensive to conceive." True words, eh? HARRY Absolutely! (DUMPTSY _comes in with the Scotch_. HARRY _gets up from the piano and crosses_. DUMPTSY _goes_. HARRY _sits down with the_ DOCTOR.) DOCTOR Have you had any experience with the disease of cancer? HARRY Certainly. I once sold a remedy for it. DOCTOR (_exploding_) There _is_ no remedy for it, so far! HARRY Well--this was kind of a remedy for everything. DOCTOR I am within _that_ of finding the cure for cancer! You probably have not heard of Fibiger, I suppose? HARRY I may have. I'm not sure. DOCTOR He was a Dane--experimented with rats. He did good work, but he died before it could be completed. I carry it on. I have been working with Oriental rats, in Bologna. But because of this war scare, I must go to neutral territory. You see, nothing must be allowed to interfere with my experiments. Nothing! HARRY No. They're important. DOCTOR The laboratory of the University of Zurich has been placed at my disposal--and in Switzerland, I can work, undisturbed. I have twenty-eight rats with me, all in various carefully tabulated stages of the disease. It is the disease of civilization--and I can cure it. And now they say I must not cross the border. HARRY You know, Doctor, it _is_ funny. DOCTOR _What's_ funny? To you, everything is funny! HARRY No--it's just that you and I are in the same fix. Both trying to get across that line. You with rats--me with girls. Of course--I appreciate the fact that civilization at large won't suffer much if _we_ get stuck in the war zone. Whereas with you, there's a lot at stake . . . DOCTOR It is for me to win one of the greatest victories of all time. And the victory belongs to Germany. HARRY Sure it does! DOCTOR Unfortunately, just now the situation in Germany is not good for research. They are infected with the same virus as here. Chauvinistic nationalism! They expect all bacteriologists to work on germs to put in bombs to drop from airplanes. To fill people with death! When we've given our lives to _save_ people. Oh--God in heaven--why don't they let me do what is good? Good for the whole world? Forgive me. I become excited. HARRY I know just how you feel, Doctor. Back in 1918, I was a shill with a carnival show, and I was doing fine. The boss thought very highly of me. He offered to give me a piece of the show, and I had a chance to get somewhere. And then what do you think happened? Along comes the United States Government and they drafted me! You're in the army now! They slapped me into a uniform and for three whole months before the Armistice, I was parading up and down guarding the Ashokan Reservoir. They were afraid your people might poison it. I've always figured that that little interruption ruined my career. But I've remained an optimist, Doctor. DOCTOR _You_ can afford to. HARRY I've remained an optimist because I'm essentially a student of human nature. You dissect corpses and rats and similar unpleasant things. Well,--it has been my job to dissect suckers! I've probed into the souls of some of the God-damnedest specimens. And what have I found? Now, don't sneer at me, Doctor--but above everything else I've found Faith. Faith in peace on earth and good will to men--and faith that "Muma," "Muma" the three-legged girl, really has got three legs. All my life, Doctor, I've been selling phoney goods to people of meagre intelligence and great faith. You'd think that would make me contemptuous of the human race, wouldn't you? But--on the contrary--it has given _me_ Faith. It has made me sure that no matter how much the meek may be bulldozed or gypped they _will_ eventually inherit the earth. (SHIRLEY _and_ BEBE _come in from the lobby_.) SHIRLEY Harry! HARRY What is it, honey? (SHIRLEY _goes to_ HARRY _and hands him a printed notice_.) SHIRLEY (_excited_) Did you see this? HARRY Doctor--let me introduce, Miss Shirley Laughlin and Miss Bebe Gould. SHIRLEY How do you do? DOCTOR (_grunts_) How do you do. BEBE Pleased to know you, Doctor. (HARRY _looks at the notice_.) SHIRLEY They got one of those put up in every one of our rooms. HARRY (_showing it to the_ DOCTOR) Look--"What to do in case of air-raids"--in all languages. DOCTOR Ja--I saw that. SHIRLEY Give it back to me, Harry. I'm going to send it to Mama. HARRY (_handing it to her_) Souvenir of Europe. SHIRLEY It'll scare the hell out of her. BEBE What's the matter with these people over here? Are they all screwy? HARRY Bebe--you hit it right on the nose! (_Turns to the_ DOCTOR.) I tell you, Doctor--these are very wonderful, profound girls. The mothers of to-morrow! (_He beams on them._ BEULAH _comes in_.) SHIRLEY Oh--shut up! BEULAH Say--Harry . . . HARRY What is it, honey? BEULAH Is it all right if I go out with Mr. Navadel and try to learn how to do this ski-ing? (WEBER _comes out on the gallery and starts down_.) HARRY What? And risk those pretty legs? Emphatically--no! BEULAH But it's healthy. HARRY Not for me, dear. Those gams of yours are my bread and butter. (WEBER _crosses. They look at him. He glances briefly at them._) Sit down, girls, and amuse yourselves with your own thoughts. (_The_ GIRLS _sit_. WEBER, _at the left, lights his cigar. The_ CAPTAIN _comes in, quickly, obviously worried_.) CAPTAIN I have been trying to get through to headquarters, Monsieur Weber. WEBER And when can we leave? CAPTAIN Not before to-morrow, I regret to say. (IRENE _appears on the gallery_.) WEBER Signor Lanza in Venice assured me there would be no delay. CAPTAIN There would be none, if only I could get into communication with the proper authorities. But--the wires are crowded. The whole nation is in a state of uproar. WEBER It's absurd lack of organization. (_The_ PIANIST _and_ DRUMMER _come in from the lobby. The_ VIOLINIST _and_ SAXOPHONIST _follow_.) CAPTAIN (_with tense solemnity_) There is good excuse for the excitement now, Monsieur Weber. The report has just come to us that a state of war exists between Italy and France. HARRY What? CAPTAIN There is a rumor of war between Italy and France! HARRY Rumors--rumors--everything's rumors! When are we going to _know_? CAPTAIN Soon enough, my friend. DOCTOR And what of Germany? CAPTAIN Germany has mobilized. (IRENE _pauses to listen_.) But I don't know if any decision has been reached. Nor do I know anything of the situation anywhere else. But--God help us--it will be serious enough for everyone on this earth. (IRENE _joins_ WEBER, _who has sat down at the left_.) IRENE (_to_ WEBER, _and straight at him_) But I thought they were all too well prepared, Achille. Has there been some mistake somewhere? WEBER (_confidentially_) We can only attribute it to spontaneous combustion of the dictatorial ego. IRENE (_grimly_) I can imagine how thrilling it must be in Paris at this moment. Just like 1914. All the lovely soldiers--singing--marching--marching! We must go at once to Paris, Achille. HARRY (_rises_) What's the matter with the music, professor? Us young folks want to dance. (ELAINE _and_ FRANCINE _come in_.) ELAINE Can we have a drink now, Harry? HARRY Sure. Sit down. (DON _enters, exuding gratification at the sight of this gay, chic throng. The_ ORCHESTRA _starts to play_ "Valencia.") WEBER Will you have a drink, Irene? IRENE No, thank you. WEBER Will you, Captain Locicero? CAPTAIN Thank you. Brandy and soda, Dumptsy. DUMPTSY Si, Signor. BEBE (_yells_) Edna! We're going to have a drink! (EDNA _comes in_.) WEBER For me, Cinzano. DUMPTSY Oui, Monsieur. (_He goes into the bar._) DOCTOR It is all incredible. HARRY Nevertheless, Doctor, I remain an optimist. (_He looks at_ IRENE.) Let doubt prevail throughout this night--with dawn will come again the light of truth! (_He turns to_ SHIRLEY.) Come on, honey--let's dance. (_They dance._ DON _dances with_ BEULAH. _The_ ORCHESTRA _continues with its spirited but frail performance of_ "Valencia." _There are probably "border incidents" in Lorraine, the Riviera, Poland, Czecho-Slovakia and Mongolia._) CURTAIN ACT II SCENE I _It is about 7:30 in the evening of the same day._ _The_ CHERRYS _are seated, both of them dressed for dinner_. AUGUSTE _is serving them cocktails_. CHERRY Thank you. AUGUSTE Thank you, Signor. CHERRY Has any more news come through? AUGUSTE No, Signor. They permit the wireless to say nothing. CHERRY I suppose nothing really will happen. AUGUSTE Let us pray that is so, Signor. (AUGUSTE _goes into the bar_. CHERRY _leans over and kisses his wife_.) CHERRY My sweet . . . you're really very lovely. MRS. CHERRY Yes. (_He kisses her again, then lifts his glass._) CHERRY Here's to us, darling. MRS. CHERRY And to hell with all the rest. CHERRY And to hell with all the rest. (_They drink, solemnly._) MRS. CHERRY Jimmy---- CHERRY What is it, darling? MRS. CHERRY Were you just saying that--or do you believe it? CHERRY That you're lovely? I can give you the most solemn assurance. . . . MRS. CHERRY No--that nothing is going to happen. CHERRY Oh. MRS. CHERRY Do you believe that? CHERRY I know this much: they can't start any real war without England. And no matter how stupid and blundering our government may be, our people simply won't stand for it. MRS. CHERRY But people can be such complete fools. CHERRY I know it, darling. Why can't they all be like us? MRS. CHERRY You mean--nice. CHERRY Yes--nice--and intelligent--and happy. MRS. CHERRY We're very conceited, aren't we? CHERRY Of course. And for good and sufficient reason. MRS. CHERRY I'm glad we're so superior, darling. It's comforting. (HARRY _comes in from bar_.) CHERRY Oh--good evening, Mr. Van. HARRY Good evening. Pardon me--(_He starts to go._) CHERRY Oh--don't run away, Mr. Van. Let's have some music. MRS. CHERRY Won't you have a drink with us? HARRY No, thanks, MRS. CHERRY--if you don't mind. (_Sits down at the piano._) I'm afraid I put down too many Scotches this afternoon. As a result of which, I've just had to treat myself to a bicarbonate of soda. (_Starts playing_ "Some of these days.") MRS. CHERRY I love that. HARRY Thanks, pal--always grateful for applause from the discriminating. (_Finishes the chorus and stops._) CHERRY Do play some more. HARRY No. The mood isn't right. MRS. CHERRY I can't tell you what a relief it is to have you here in this hotel. HARRY It's kind of you to say that, Mrs. Cherry. But I don't deserve your handsome tribute. Frequently, I can be an asset to any gathering--contributing humorous anecdotes and bits of homely philosophy. But here and now, I'm far from my best. CHERRY You're the only one here who seems to have retained any degree of sanity. MRS. CHERRY You and your young ladies. HARRY The girls are lucky. They don't know anything. And the trouble with me is that I just don't give a damn. MRS. CHERRY We've been trying hard not to know anything--or not to give a damn. But it isn't easy. HARRY You haven't been married very long, have you? I hope you don't mind my asking. . . . CHERRY We were married the day before yesterday. HARRY Let me offer my congratulations. CHERRY Thank you very much. HARRY It's my purely intuitive hunch that you two ought to get along fine. CHERRY That's our intention, Mr. Van. MRS. CHERRY And we'll do it, what's more. You see--we have one supreme thing in common: HARRY Yeah? MRS. CHERRY We're both independent. CHERRY We're like you Americans, in that respect. HARRY You flatter us. MRS. CHERRY Jimmy's a painter. HARRY You don't say! MRS. CHERRY He has been out in Australia, doing colossal murals for some government building. He won't show me the photographs of them, but I'm sure they're simply awful. (_She laughs fondly._) CHERRY They're allegorical. (_He laughs, too._) HARRY I'll bet they're good, at that. What do you do, Mrs. Cherry? MRS. CHERRY Oh, I work in the gift department at Fortnum's---- HARRY Behind a counter, eh! MRS. CHERRY Yes--wearing a smock, and disgracing my family. HARRY Well, what d'ye know! MRS. CHERRY Both our families hoped we'd be married in some nice little church, and settle down in a nice little cottage, in a nice little state of decay. But when I heard Jimmy was on the way home I just dropped everything and rushed down here to meet him--and we were married, in Florence. CHERRY We hadn't seen each other for nearly a year--so, you can imagine, it was all rather exciting. HARRY I can imagine. MRS. CHERRY Florence is the most perfect place in the world to be married in. HARRY I guess that's true of any place. CHERRY We both happen to love Italy. And--I suppose--we're both rather on the romantic side. HARRY You stay on that side, no matter what happens. MRS. CHERRY (_quickly_) What do you think is going to happen? HARRY Me? I haven't the slightest idea. CHERRY We've looked forward so much to being here with no one bothering us, and plenty of winter sports. We're both keen on ski-ing. And now--we may have to go dashing back to England at any moment. MRS. CHERRY It's rotten luck, isn't it? HARRY Yes, Mrs. Cherry. That's what it is--it's rotten. (QUILLERY _enters from the bar, reading a newspaper_.) So they wouldn't let you cross? QUILLERY No! HARRY Is there any news? QUILLERY (_glaring_) News! Not in this patriotic journal! "Unconfirmed rumors"--from Vienna, London, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo. And a lot of confirmed lies from Fascist headquarters in Rome. (_He slaps the paper down and sits._) If you want to know what is really happening, ask _him_--up there! (_Indicates the rooms above._) CHERRY Who? QUILLERY Weber! The great Monsieur Achille Weber, of the Comité des Forges! He can give you all the war news. Because he _made_ it. You don't know who he is, eh? Or what he has been doing here in Italy? I'll tell you. (_He rises and comes close to them._) He has been organizing the arms industry. Munitions. To kill French babies. And English babies. France and Italy are at war. England joins France. Germany joins Italy. And that will drag in the Soviet Union and the Japanese Empire and the United States. In every part of the world, the good desire of men for peace and decency is undermined by the dynamite of jingoism. And it needs only one spark, set off anywhere by one egomaniac, to send it all up in one final, fatal explosion. Then love becomes hatred, courage becomes terror, hope becomes despair. (_The_ DOCTOR _appears on the gallery above_.) But--it will all be very nice for Achille Weber. Because he is a master of the one _real_ League of Nations--(_The_ DOCTOR _slowly comes down steps._) The League of Schneider-Creusot, and Krupp, and Skoda, and Vickers and Dupont. The League of Death! And the workers of the world are expected to pay him for it, with their sweat, and their life's blood. DOCTOR Marxian nonsense! QUILLERY Ah! Who speaks? DOCTOR _I_ speak. QUILLERY Yes! The eminent Dr. Hugo Waldersee. A wearer of the sacred swastika. Down with the Communists! Off with their heads! So that the world may be safe for the Nazi murderers. DOCTOR So that Germany may be safe from its oppressors! It is the same with all of you--Englishmen, Frenchmen, Marxists--you manage to forget that Germany, too, has a right to live! (_Rings hand-bell on the table._) QUILLERY If you love Germany so much, why aren't you there, now--with your rats? DOCTOR (_sitting_) I am not concerned with politics. (AUGUSTE _enters from the bar_.) I am a scientist. (_To_ AUGUSTE.) Mineral water! (AUGUSTE _bows and exits into the bar_.) QUILLERY That's it, Herr Doctor! A scientist--a servant of humanity! And you know that if you were in your dear Fatherland, the Nazis would make you abandon your cure of cancer. It might benefit too many people outside of Germany--even maybe some Jews. They would force you to devote yourself to breeding malignant bacteria--millions of little germs, each one trained to give the Nazi salute and then go out and poison the enemy. You--a fighter against disease and death--you would come a Judas goat in a slaughter house. (DON _has appeared during this_.) CHERRY I say, Quillery, old chap--do we have to have so much blood and sweat just before dinner? QUILLERY (_turning on him_) Just before dinner! And now we hear the voice of England! The great, well-fed, pious hypocrite! The grabber--the exploiter--the immaculate butcher! It was _you_ forced this war, because miserable little Italy dared to drag its black shirt across your trail of Empire. What do _you_ care if civilization goes to pieces--as long as you have your dinner--and your dinner jacket! CHERRY (_rising_) I'm sorry, Quillery--but I think we'd better conclude this discussion out on the terrace. MRS. CHERRY Don't be a damned fool, Jimmy. You'll prove nothing by thrashing him. QUILLERY It's the Anglo-Saxon method of proving everything! Very well--I am at your disposal. DON No! I beg of you, Mr. Cherry. We mustn't have any of that sort of thing. (_He turns to_ QUILLERY.) I must ask you to leave. If you're unable to conduct yourself as a gentleman, then . . . QUILLERY Don't say any more. Evidently I cannot conduct myself properly! I offer my apologies, Mr. Cherry. CHERRY That's quite all right, old man. Have a drink. (_He extends his hand. They shake._) QUILLERY No, thank you. And my apologies to you, Herr Doctor. DOCTOR There is no need for apologizing. I am accustomed to all that. QUILLERY If I let my speech run away with me, it is because I have hatred for certain things. And you should hate them, too. They are the things that make us blind--and ignorant--and--and dirty. (_He turns and goes out quickly._ DON _goes with him_.) MRS. CHERRY He's so right about everything. CHERRY I know, poor chap. Will you have another cocktail, darling? MRS. CHERRY I don't think so. Will you, Doctor? (_He shakes his head, indicates the mineral water. She rises._) Let's dine. CHERRY It will be a bit difficult to summon up much relish. (_They go out, hand in hand._) HARRY I find them very appealing, don't you, Doctor? (_The_ DOCTOR _doesn't announce his findings_.) Did you know they were married only the day before yesterday? Yeah--they got themselves sealed in Florence--because they love Italy. And they came here hoping to spend their honeymoon on skis. . . . Kind of pathetic, isn't it? DOCTOR What did you say? HARRY Nothing, pal. (DON _comes in_.) Only making conversation. DOCTOR (_rising_) That Communist! Making me a criminal because I am a German! DON I'm dreadfully sorry, Dr. Waldersee. We never should have allowed the ill-bred little cad to come in here. DOCTOR Oh--It's no matter. I have heard too many Hymns of Hate before this. To be a German is to be used to insults, and injuries. (_He goes out._ DON _starts to go out left_.) HARRY Just a minute, Don. DON Well? HARRY Have you found out yet who that dame is? DON What "dame"? HARRY That Russian number with Weber. DON I have not enquired as to her identity. HARRY But did he register her as his wife? DON They registered separately! And if it's not too much to ask, might I suggest that you mind your own damned business? HARRY You might suggest just that. And I should still be troubled by one of the most tantalizing of questions--namely, "Where have I seen that face before?" Generally, it turns out to be someone who was in the second row one night, yawning. DON I'm sure that such is the case now. (_He starts again to go._) HARRY One moment, Don. There's something else. DON (_impatiently_) What is it? HARRY I take it that your job here is something like that of a professional greeter. DON You're at liberty to call it that, if you choose. HARRY You're a sort of Y.M.C.A. secretary--who sees to it that all the guests get together and have a good time. DON Well? HARRY Well--do you think you're doing a very good job of it right now? DON (_simply furious_) Have you any suggestions for improving the performance of my duties? HARRY Yes, Don--I have. DON And I'd very much like to know just exactly who the hell do you think you are to be offering criticism of my work? HARRY Please, please! You needn't scream at me. I'm merely trying to be helpful. I'm making you an offer. DON What is it? HARRY (_looking around_) I see you've got a color wheel here. (_Referring to the light._) DON We use it during the supper dance. But--if you don't mind, I---- HARRY I see--well--how would it be if I and the girls put on part of our act here, to-night? For purposes of wholesome merriment and relieving the general tension? DON What kind of an act is it? HARRY And don't say, "What kind of an act," in that tone of voice. It's good enough for this place. Those girls have played before the King of Rumania. And if some of my suspicions are correct--but I won't pursue that subject. All that need concern you is that we can adjust ourselves to our audience, and to-night we'll omit the bubble dance and the number in which little Bebe does a shimmy in a costume composed of detachable gardenias, unless there's a special request for it. DON Do you expect to be paid for this? HARRY Certainly not. I'm making this offer out of the goodness of my heart. Of course, if you want to make any appropriate adjustment on our hotel bill . . . DON And you'll give me your guarantee that there'll be no vulgarity? (IRENE _appears on the gallery and starts to come down. She is wearing a dinner dress._) HARRY Now be careful, Don. One more word like that and the offer is withdrawn . . . (DON _cautions him to silence_.) DON It's a splendid idea, Mr. Van. We'll all greatly appreciate your little entertainment, I'm sure. (_To_ IRENE.) Good evening, Madame. IRENE (_with the utmost graciousness_) Good evening, Mr. Navadel. (_She pauses at the window._) It _is_ a lovely view. It's like a landscape on the moon. DON Yes--yes. That's exactly what it's like. (_She comes down._) HARRY You understand, we'll have to rehearse with the orchestra. DON Oh, yes--Mr. Van. Our staff will be glad to co-operate in every way. . . . Do sit down, Madame. IRENE (_sitting_) What became of those planes that flew off this afternoon? I haven't heard them come back. (_Takes out a cigarette._) DON I imagine they were moving to some base farther from the frontier. I hope so. They always made the most appalling racket. (_Lights her cigarette for her._) HARRY About eleven o'clock? (WEBER _appears on the gallery_.) DON Yes, Mr. Van. Eleven will do nicely. You'll have a cocktail, Madame? (HARRY _goes into the lobby_.) IRENE No, no. Vodka, if you please. DON I shall have it sent right in. (_He goes off at the left into bar._ IRENE _looks slowly off, after_ HARRY. _She smiles slightly._ WEBER _comes down the stairs quickly. He is not in evening dress. He too pauses at the window._) WEBER A perfectly cloudless night! They're very lucky. (_He comes on down._) IRENE Did you get your call? WEBER Yes. I talked to Lanza. IRENE I gather the news is, as usual, good. WEBER It is extremely serious! You saw those bombers that left here this afternoon? IRENE Yes. WEBER They were headed for Paris. Italy is evidently in a great hurry to deliver the first blow. IRENE How soon may we leave here? WEBER None too soon, I can assure you. The French high command will know that the bombers come from this field. There will be reprisals--probably within the next twenty-four hours. IRENE That will be exciting to see. WEBER An air raid? IRENE Yes--with bombs bursting in the snow. Sending up great geysers of diamonds. WEBER Or perhaps great geysers of us. IRENE (_after a moment_) I suppose many people in Paris are being killed now. WEBER I'm afraid so. Unless the Italians bungle it. IRENE Perhaps your sister--Madame d'Hilaire--perhaps she and her darling little children are now dying. WEBER (_sharply_) My sister and her family are in Montbeliard. IRENE But you said the Italians might bungle it. They might drop their bombs on the wrong place. WEBER I appreciate your solicitude, my dear. But you can save your condolences until they are needed. (DUMPTSY _comes in from the bar and serves the vodka_. WEBER _rises_.) I must telegraph to Joseph to have the house ready. It will be rather cold in Biarritz now--but far healthier than Paris. You are going in to dinner now? IRENE Yes. WEBER I shall join you later. (_He goes out._ DUMPTSY _picks up the_ CHERRYS' _glasses_.) DUMPTSY We will have a great treat to-night, Madame. IRENE Really? DUMPTSY That American impresario, that Mr. Harry Van--he will give us an entertainment with his dancing girls. IRENE Is he employed here regularly? DUMPTSY Oh, no, Madame. He is just passing, like you. This is a special treat. It will be very fine. IRENE Let us hope so. (_She downs the vodka._) DUMPTSY Madame is Russian, if I may say so. IRENE (_pleased_) How did you know that I am Russian? Just because I am having vodka? DUMPTSY No, Madame. Many people try to drink vodka. But only true Russians can do it gracefully. You see--I was a prisoner with your people in the war. I liked them. IRENE You're very charming. What is your name? DUMPTSY I am called Dumptsy, Madame. IRENE Are you going again to the war, Dumptsy? DUMPTSY If they tell me to, Madame. IRENE You will enjoy being a soldier? DUMPTSY Yes--if I'm taken prisoner soon enough. IRENE And who do you think will win? DUMPTSY I can't think, Madame. It is all very doubtful. But one thing I can tell you: whoever wins, it will be the same as last time--Austria will lose. IRENE They will all lose, Dumptsy. (_The_ CHERRYS _come in. She greets them pleasantly._) Good evening. CHERRY Good evening, Madame. (_The_ CHERRYS _start to sit, across from_ IRENE.) IRENE Bring some more vodka, Dumptsy. Perhaps Mr. and Mrs. Cherry will have some, too. CHERRY Why, thank you--we . . . MRS. CHERRY I'd love to. I've never tasted vodka. IRENE Ah--then it's high time. Bring in the bottle, Dumptsy. DUMPTSY Yes, Madame. (_He goes in to the bar._) IRENE Come, sit down here. (_The_ CHERRYS _sit by her_.) You will find vodka a perfect stimulant to the appetite. So much better than that hybrid atrocity, the American cocktail! CHERRY To tell you the truth, Madame--we've already dined. IRENE It is no matter. It is just as good as a liqueur. MRS. CHERRY We didn't really dine at all. We merely looked at the minestrone and the Parmesan cheese--and we felt too depressed to eat anything. IRENE It's the altitude. After the first exhilaration there comes a depressive reaction, especially for you, who are accustomed to the heavy, Pigwiggian atmosphere of England. CHERRY Pigwiggian? IRENE Yes, Pigwig--Oliver Twist--you know, your Dickens? (DUMPTSY _enters from bar with a bottle of vodka and two more glasses, which he places on the table. He returns to the bar._) CHERRY You know England, Madame? IRENE (_fondly_) Of course I know England! My governess was a sweet old ogre from your north country--and when I was a little girl I used to visit often at Sandringham. CHERRY (_impressed_) Sandringham? MRS. CHERRY The palace? IRENE Yes. That was before your time. It was in the reign of dear, gay King Edward, and the beautiful Alexandra. (_She sighs a little for those days._) I used to have such fun playing with my cousin David. He used to try to teach me to play cricket, and when I couldn't swing the bat properly, he said, "Oh, you Russians will never be civilized!" (_Laughs._) When I went home to Petersburg I told my uncle, the Tsar, what David had said, and he was so amused! But now--you must drink your vodka. (_They rise, and lift their glasses._) A toast! To his most gracious Majesty the King. (_They clink glasses._) God bless him. CHERRY Thank you, Madame. (_All three drink and_ MRS. CHERRY _coughs violently_.) IRENE (_to_ MRS. CHERRY) No--no! Drink it right down. Like this. (_She swallows it in a gulp._) So! (_Refills the glasses from the bottle._) The second glass will go more easily. (_They sit._) I used to laugh so at your funny British Tommies in Archangel. They all hated vodka until one of them thought of mixing it with beer. MRS. CHERRY How loathsome! IRENE It was! But I shall be forever grateful to them--those Tommies. They saved my life when I escaped from the Soviets. For days and nights--I don't know how many--I was driving through the snow--snow--snow--snow--, in a little sleigh, with the body of my father beside me, and the wolves running along like an escort of dragoons. You know--you always think of wolves as howling constantly, don't you? CHERRY Why, yes--I suppose one does. IRENE Well, they don't. No, these wolves didn't howl! They were horribly, confidently silent. I think silence is much more terrifying, don't you? CHERRY You must have been dreadfully afraid. IRENE No, I was not afraid for myself. It was the thought of my father. . . . MRS. CHERRY Please! I know you don't want to talk about it any more. IRENE Oh, no--it is so far away now. But I shall never forget the moment when I came through the haze of delirium, and saw the faces of those Tommies. Those simple, friendly faces. And the snow--and the wolves--and the terrible cold--they were all gone--and I was looking at Kew Gardens on a Sunday afternoon, and the sea of golden daffodils--"fluttering and dancing in the breezes." (WEBER _has come in with the daffodils_.) WEBER Shall we go in to dinner now, Irene? IRENE Yes, yes, Achille. In a minute. I am coming. (WEBER _goes_. IRENE _rises_.) Now--we must finish our vodka. (CHERRY _rises_.) And you must make another try to eat something. CHERRY Thank you so much, Madame. (_They drink._) IRENE And later on, we must all be here for Mr. Van's entertainment--and we must all applaud vigorously. MRS. CHERRY We shall, Madame. CHERRY He's such a nice chap, isn't he? IRENE (_going_) Yes--and a real artist, too. CHERRY Oh--you've seen him? IRENE Why--yes--I've seen him, in some café chantant, somewhere. I forget just where it was. (_The three of them have gone out together. The light is dimmed to extinction. The curtain falls._) END OF SCENE ONE SCENE II _About two hours later._ WEBER _is drinking brandy. The_ CAPTAIN _is standing_. CAPTAIN I have been listening to the radio. Utter bedlam! Of course, every government has imposed the strictest censorship--but it is very frightening--like one of those films where ghostly hands suddenly reach in and switch off all the lights. WEBER Any suggestions of air raids? CAPTAIN None. But there is ominous quiet from Paris. Think of it--Paris--utterly silent! Only one station there is sending messages, and they are in code. WEBER Probably instructions to the frontier. CAPTAIN I heard a man in Prague saying something that sounded interesting, but him I could not understand. Then I turned to London, hopefully, and listened to a gentleman describing the disastrous effects of ivy upon that traditional institution, the oak. WEBER Well--we shall soon know. . . . There'll be no trouble about crossing the frontier to-morrow? CAPTAIN Oh, no. Except that I am still a little worried about madame's passport. WEBER We'll arrange about that. Have a cigar, Captain? CAPTAIN Thank you. (IRENE _comes in as the_ CAPTAIN _starts to light the cigar_.) IRENE Do you hear the sound of airplanes? (_All stop to listen, intently. The sound becomes audible. The_ CAPTAIN _shakes out the match, throws the unlit cigar on the table, and dashes to the window and looks upward_.) CAPTAIN It is our bombers. One--two--three. Seven of them. Seven out of eighteen. You will excuse me? (_He salutes and dashes out._) WEBER Seven out of eighteen! Not bad, for Italians. (IRENE _has gone to the window to look out_.) IRENE I'm so happy for you, Achille. WEBER What was that, my dear? IRENE I said--I'm so happy for you. WEBER But--just why am I an object of congratulation? IRENE All this great, wonderful death and destruction, everywhere. And you promoted it! WEBER Don't give me too much credit, Irene. IRENE But I _know_ what you've done. WEBER Yes, my dear. You know a great deal. But don't forget to do honor to Him--up there--who put fear into man. I am but the humble instrument of His divine will. IRENE (_looking upward, sympathetically_) Yes--that's quite true. We don't do half enough justice to Him. Poor, lonely old soul. Sitting up in heaven, with nothing to do, but play solitaire. Poor, dear God. Playing Idiot's Delight. The game that never means anything, and never ends. WEBER You have an engaging fancy, my dear. IRENE Yes. WEBER It's the quality in you that fascinates me most. Limitless imagination! It is what has made you such an admirable, brilliant liar. And so very helpful to me! Am I right? IRENE Of course you are right, Achille. Had I been bound by any stuffy respect for the truth, I should never have escaped from the Soviets. WEBER I'm sure of it. IRENE Did I ever tell you of my escape from the Soviets? WEBER You have told me about it at least eleven times. And each time it was different. IRENE Well, I made several escapes. I am always making escapes, Achille. When I am worrying about you, and your career. I have to run away from the terror of my own thoughts. So I amuse myself by studying the faces of the people I see. Just ordinary, casual, dull people. (_She is speaking in a tone that is sweetly sadistic._) That young English couple, for instance. I was watching them during dinner, sitting there, close together, holding hands, and rubbing their knees together under the table. And I saw him in his nice, smart, British uniform, shooting a little pistol at a huge tank. And the tank rolls over him. And his fine strong body, that was so full of the capacity for ecstasy, is a mass of mashed flesh and bones--a smear of purple blood--like a stepped-on snail. But before the moment of death, he consoles himself by thinking, "Thank God _she_ is safe! She is bearing the child I gave her, and he will live to see a better world." (_She walks behind_ WEBER _and leans over his shoulder_.) But I know where she is. She is lying in a cellar that has been wrecked by an air raid, and her firm young breasts are all mixed up with the bowels of a dismembered policeman, and the embryo from her womb is splattered against the face of a dead bishop. That is the kind of thought with which I amuse myself, Achille. And it makes me so proud to think that I am so close to you--who make all this possible. (WEBER _rises and walks about the room. At length he turns to her._) WEBER Do you talk in this whimsical vein to many people? IRENE No. I betray my thoughts to no one but you. You know that I am shut off from the world. I am a contented prisoner in your ivory tower. WEBER I'm beginning to wonder about that. IRENE What? You think I could interest myself in some one else----? WEBER No--no, my dear. I am merely wondering whether the time has come for you to turn commonplace, like all the others? IRENE The others? WEBER All those who have shared my life. My former wife, for instance. She now boasts that she abandoned me because part of my income is derived from the sale of poison gas. Revolvers and rifles and bullets she didn't mind--because they are also used by sportsmen. Battleships too are permissible; they look so splendid in the news films. But she couldn't stomach poison gas. So now she is married to an anemic Duke, and the large fortune that she obtained from me enables the Duke to indulge his principal passion, which is the slaughtering of wild animals, like rabbits, and pigeons and rather small deer. My wife is presumably happy with him. I have always been glad you are not a fool as she was, Irene. IRENE No. I don't care even for battleships. And I shall not marry an anemic Duke. WEBER But--there was something unpleasantly reminiscent in that gaudy picture you painted. I gather that this silly young couple has touched a tender spot, eh? IRENE Perhaps, Achille. Perhaps I am softening. WEBER Then apply your intelligence, my dear. Ask yourself: why shouldn't they die? And who are the greater criminals--those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them, and use them? You know there is no logical reply to that. But all these little people--like your new friends--all of them consider me an arch-villain because I furnish them with what they want, which is the illusion of power. That is what they vote for in their frightened governments--what they cheer for on their national holidays--what they glorify in their anthems, and their monuments, and their waving flags! Yes--they shout bravely about something they call "national honor." And what does it amount to? Mistrust of the motives of every one else! Dog in the manger defense of what they've got, and greed for the other fellow's possessions! Honor among thieves! I assure you, Irene--for such little people the deadliest weapons are the most merciful. (_The_ CHERRYS _enter. He is whistling_ "Minnie the Moocher.") IRENE Ah! Mr. and Mrs. Cherry! CHERRY Hello there. (_They come down._) IRENE You have dined well! MRS. CHERRY Superbly! CHERRY We ate everything--up to and including the zabaglione. IRENE You can thank the vodka for that. Vodka never fails in an emergency. CHERRY And we can thank you, Madame, and do so. IRENE But--permit me to introduce Monsieur Weber. (WEBER _rises_.) Mrs. Cherry--Mr. Cherry. (_They are exchanging greetings as_ DON _comes in_.) DON We're going to have a little cabaret show for you now, Madame. WEBER I don't think I shall wait for it, my dear. IRENE But you must---- WEBER I really should look over Lanza's estimates---- IRENE Please, Achille--Mr. Van is an artist. You will be so amused. WEBER (_resuming seat_) Very well, Irene. DON (_his tone blandly confidential_) Between ourselves, I don't vouch for the quality of it. But it may be unintentionally amusing. IRENE I shall love it. CHERRY This is the most marvellous idea, Mr. Navadel. DON Oh, thank you. We try to contrive some novelty each evening. If you'll be good enough to sit here---- (DON _goes up to usher in the_ ROSSIS _and direct them to their seats. The musicians come in and take their places. The_ DOCTOR _comes in_. DUMPTSY _is busily moving chairs about, clearing a space for the act_. IRENE _and the_ CHERRYS _chat pleasantly_. ANNA, _the maid, appears on the gallery above to watch the entertainment_.) (HARRY _comes in. He is wearing a tight-fitting dinner jacket, and carries a cane and a straw hat._) HARRY All set, Don? DON Quite ready, whenever you are. HARRY Okey-doke. Give us a fanfare, professor. (_He goes out. The band obliges with a fanfare._ HARRY _returns, all smiles_.) Before we start, folks, I just want to explain that we haven't had much chance to rehearse with my good friend, Signor Palota, and his talented little team here. (_He indicates the orchestra with a handsome gesture._) So we must crave your indulgence and beg you to give us a break if the rhythm isn't all strictly kosher. (_He waits for his laugh_.) All we ask of you, kind friends, is "The Christian pearl of Charity," to quote our great American poet, John Greenleaf Whittier. We thank you. Take it away! (_He bows. All applaud. He then sings a song--The girls come on in costume and dance._) (_During the latter part of the act, the_ CAPTAIN, _the_ MAJOR, _and four flying corps_ OFFICERS _come in. The latter are dirty and in a fever of heroically restrained excitement. They survey the scene with wonderment and then with delight, saying, in Italian, "What's all this?" and "What brought these blonde bambinos to Monte Gabriele?" etc._ HARRY _interrupts the act and orders the orchestra to play the Fascist anthem_, "Giovinezza." _The officers acknowledge this graceful gesture with the Fascist salute. The_ GIRLS _wave back. The_ CAPTAIN _gets the_ OFFICERS _seated and then goes to order drinks_. HARRY _and the_ GIRLS _resume_.) (_At the end of the act, all applaud and the_ OFFICERS _shout "Brava--Bravissima" and stamp their feet with enthusiasm. The_ GIRLS _take several bows and go_. HARRY _returns for a solo bow, waving his straw hat. One of the_ OFFICERS _shouts, in Italian, "We want the young ladies!"_) CAPTAIN (_to_ HARRY) My friends wish to know respectfully if the young ladies will care to join them in a little drink? HARRY Certainly! Come back in, girls. Get over there and join the army! (_The_ GIRLS _do so_.) Now, folks--with your kind permission--I shall give the girls an interlude of rest and refreshment and treat you to a little piano specialty of my own. Your strict attention is not obligatory. (_He starts his specialty, assisted by_ SHIRLEY _and_ EDNA. _The_ OFFICERS _don't pay much attention. Bottles of champagne are brought for them and the_ GIRLS.) (WEBER _goes and speaks to the_ CAPTAIN. _He beckons him up to the landing of the stairs where they converse in low tones, the_ CAPTAIN _telling him about the air-raid_.) (HARRY'S _act is interrupted by the entrance of_ QUILLERY.) QUILLERY (_to_ HARRY) Do you know what has happened? DON I told you we didn't want you here. PITTALUGA We're having an entertainment here. QUILLERY Yes! An entertainment! HARRY If you'll just sit down, pal. . . . (_He and the_ GIRLS _continue with their singing_.) QUILLERY An entertainment--while Paris is in ruins! CHERRY (_rises_) What? DOCTOR What are you saying? QUILLERY They have bombed Paris! The Fascisti have bombed Paris! DON What? But it can't be possible---- HARRY Go on, Shirley. Keep on singing. QUILLERY I tell you--to-night their planes flew over and---- CHERRY But how do you know this? QUILLERY It is on the wireless--everywhere. And I have just talked to one of their mechanics, who was on the flight, and saw, with his own eyes---- HARRY Won't you please sit down, pal? We're trying to give you a little entertainment--(_Stops playing._) QUILLERY For the love of God--listen to me! While you sit here eating and drinking, to-night, Italian planes dropped twenty thousand kilos of bombs on Paris. God knows how many they killed. God knows how much of life and beauty is forever destroyed! And you sit here, drinking, laughing, with _them_--the murderers. (_Points to the flyers, who ask each other, in Italian, what the hell is he talking about._) They did it! It was their planes, from that field down there. Assassins! (_The_ OFFICERS _make a move toward_ QUILLERY--_one of them arming himself with a champagne bottle_.) HARRY (_comes down from the piano_) We can't have any skull-cracking in this club. Hey, Captain, speak to your men before anything starts. (_The_ CAPTAIN _comes down to the_ OFFICERS _and pacifies them_. CHERRY _comes down to stand by_ QUILLERY.) MRS. CHERRY Jimmy! . . . You keep out of this! QUILLERY I say, God damn you! Assassins! MAJOR AND FIRST AND THIRD OFFICERS (_jump up_) Assassini! HARRY Now listen, pal. . . . SHIRLEY Harry! Don't get yourself mixed up in this mess! QUILLERY You see, we stand together! France--England--America! Allies! HARRY Shut up, France! It's O. K., Captain. We can handle this---- QUILLERY They don't dare fight against the power of England and France! The free democracies against the Fascist tyranny! HARRY Now, for God's sake stop fluctuating! QUILLERY England and France are fighting for the hopes of mankind! HARRY A minute ago, England was a butcher in a dress suit. Now we're Allies! QUILLERY We stand together. We stand together forever. (_Turns to_ OFFICERS.) I say God damn you. God damn the villains that sent you on this errand of death. CAPTAIN (_takes a few steps toward_ QUILLERY) If you don't close your mouth, Frenchman, we shall be forced to arrest you. QUILLERY Go on, Fascisti! Commit national suicide. That's the last gesture left to you toy soldiers. HARRY It's all right, Captain. Mr. Quillery is for peace. He's going back to France to stop the war. QUILLERY (_turns on_ HARRY) You're not authorized to speak for me. I am competent to say what I feel. And what I say is "Down with Fascism! Abbasso Fascismo!" (_There is an uproar from the_ OFFICERS.) CAPTAIN (_ordinarily gentle, is now white hot with rage_) Attenzione! QUILLERY Vive la France! Viv---- CAPTAIN E agli arresti. QUILLERY Call out the firing squad! Shoot me dead! But do not think you can silence the truth that's in me. CAPTAIN (_grabs_ QUILLERY _from the left and calls the_ FIRST OFFICER) Molinari! (FIRST OFFICER _grabs_ QUILLERY _from the right. They start to take him out._) QUILLERY (_as he is being led out_) The Empire of the Fascisti will join the Empire of the Cæsars in smoking ruins. Vive la France! Vive la France! (WEBER _goes upstairs and exits. They have gone._) CHERRY (_to_ HARRY) You'd better carry on with your turn, old boy. HARRY No, pal. The act is cold. (_To the orchestra leader._) Give us some music, Signor. (_The orchestra starts playing._) Let dancing become general. CHERRY Let's dance, my sweet. MRS. CHERRY I can't bear to, Jimmy. CHERRY I think we should. MRS. CHERRY Very well, darling. (_They dance. The_ OFFICERS _dance with the_ GIRLS.) HARRY (_goes over to_ IRENE) Would you care to dance? IRENE Why--why, thank you. (_She stands up, and they join the slowly moving mob._ SHIRLEY _is singing as loud as she can. The color wheel turns so that the dancers are bathed in blue, then amber, then red._) CURTAIN END OF SCENE TWO SCENE III _Later that night._ IRENE _and_ HARRY _are alone. She is sitting, telling the story of her life. He is listening with fascination and doubt._ IRENE My father was old. The hardships of that terrible journey had broken his body. But his spirit was strong--the spirit that is Russia. He lay there, in that little boat, and he looked up at me. Never can I forget his face, so thin, so white, so beautiful, in the starlight. And he said to me, "Irene--little daughter," and then--he died. For four days I was alone, with his body, sailing through the storms of the Black Sea. I had no food--no water--I was in agony from the bayonet wounds of the Bolsheviki. I knew I must die. But then--an American cruiser rescued me. May God bless those good men! (_She sighs._) I've talked too much about myself. What about you, my friend? HARRY Oh--I'm not very interesting. I'm just what I seem to be. IRENE C'est impossible! HARRY C'est possible! The facts of my case are eloquent. I'm a potential genius--reduced to piloting six blondes through the Balkans. IRENE But there is something that you hide from the world--even, I suspect, from yourself. Where did you acquire your superior education? HARRY I worked my way through college selling encyclopædias. IRENE I knew you had culture! What college was it? HARRY Oh--just any college. But my sales talk was so good that I fell for it myself. I bought the God-damned encyclopædia. And I read it all, travelling around, in day coaches, and depot hotels, and Fox-time dressing rooms. It was worth the money. IRENE And how much of all this have you retained? HARRY (_significantly_) I? I--never forget anything. IRENE How unfortunate for you! Does your encyclopædia help you in your dealings with the girls? HARRY Yes, Mrs. Weber. . . . I got considerable benefit from studying the lives of the great courtesans, and getting to understand their technique. . . . IRENE Forgive me for interrupting you--but that is not my name. HARRY Oh--pardon me, I thought . . . IRENE I know what you thought. Monsieur Weber and I are associated in a sort of business way. HARRY I see. IRENE He does me the honor to consult me in matters of policy. HARRY That's quite an honor! Business is pretty good, isn't it! IRENE I gather that you are one of those noble souls who does not entirely approve of the munitions industry? HARRY Oh, no--I'm not noble. Your friend is just another salesman. And I make it a point never to criticize anybody else's racket. IRENE Monsieur Weber is a very distinguished man. He has rendered very distinguished services to all the governments of the world. He is decorated with the Legion of Honor, the Order of the White Eagle, the Order of St. James of the Sword, and the Military Order of Christ! HARRY The Military Order of Christ. I never heard of that one. IRENE It is from Portugal. He has many orders. HARRY Have you ever been in America? IRENE Oh, yes--I've seen it all--New York, Washington, Palm Beach . . . HARRY I said America. Have you ever been in the West? IRENE Certainly I have. I flew across your continent. There are many White Russians in California. HARRY Did you ever happen to make any parachute landings in any places like Kansas, or Iowa, or Nebraska? IRENE (_laughing_) I have seen enough of your countrymen to know that you are typical. HARRY Me? I'm not typical of anything. IRENE Oh, yes, you are. You are just like all of them--an ingenuous, sentimental idealist. You believe in the goodness of human nature, don't you? HARRY And what if I do? I've known millions of people, intimately--and I never found more than one out of a hundred that I didn't like, once you got to know them. IRENE That is very charming--but it _is_ naïve. HARRY Maybe so. But experience prevents me from working up much enthusiasm over any one who considers the human race as just so many clay pigeons, even if he does belong to the Military Order of Christ. IRENE If you came from an older culture, you would realize that men like Monsieur Weber are necessary to civilization. HARRY You don't say. IRENE I mean, of course, the sort of civilization that we have got. (_She smiles upon him benevolently. It is as though she were explaining patiently but with secret enjoyment the facts of life to a backward nephew._) Stupid people consider him an arch-villain because it is his duty to stir up a little trouble here and there to stimulate the sale of his products. Do you understand me, my friend? HARRY I shouldn't wonder. IRENE Monsieur Weber is a true man of the world. He is above petty nationalism; he can be a Frenchman in France--a German in Germany--a Greek--a Turk--whatever the occasion demands. HARRY Yes--that little Quillery was an Internationalist, too. He believed in brotherhood, but the moment he got a whiff of gunpowder he began to spout hate and revenge. And now those nice, polite Wops will probably have to shut him up with a firing squad. IRENE (_takes out a cigarette from her case_) It is a painful necessity. HARRY And it demonstrates the sort of little trouble that your friend stirs up. (_He takes out his lighter and lights her cigarette._) IRENE Do you know that you can be extremely rude? HARRY I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelings about Mr. Weber, but he just happens to be a specimen of the one per cent that I _don't_ like. IRENE I was not referring to that. Why do you stare at me so? HARRY Have I been staring? IRENE Steadily. Ever since we arrived here this afternoon. Why do you do it? HARRY I've been thinking I could notice a funny resemblance to some one I used to know. IRENE You should know better than to tell any woman that she resembles somebody else. We none of us like to think that our appearance is commonplace. HARRY The one you look like wasn't commonplace. IRENE Oh! She was some one near and dear to you? HARRY It was somebody that occupies a unique shrine in the temple of my memory. IRENE That _is_ a glowing tribute. The Temple of your memory must be so crowded! But I am keeping you from your duties. HARRY What duties? IRENE Shouldn't you be worrying about your young ladies? HARRY They're all right; they've gone to bed. IRENE Yes--but there are several Italian officers about. Aren't you supposed to be the chaperone? HARRY I leave the girls to their own resources, of which they have plenty. (_He stares hard at her._) Have you always been a blonde? IRENE Yes--as far as I can remember. HARRY You don't mind my asking? IRENE Not at all. And now, may I ask you something? HARRY Please do so. IRENE Why do you waste yourself in this degraded work? Touring about with those obvious little harlots? HARRY You mean you think I'm fitted for something that requires a little more mentality? IRENE Yes. HARRY How do you know so much about me? (_It should be remembered that all through this scene_ HARRY _is studying her, trying to fit together the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle of his memory_.) IRENE For one thing, I saw your performance to-night. HARRY You thought it was punk? IRENE I thought it was unworthy. HARRY It was unfortunately interrupted. You should have seen . . . IRENE I saw enough. You are a very bad dancer. HARRY The King of Rumania thought I was pretty good. IRENE He is entitled to his opinion--and I to mine. HARRY I'll admit that I've done better things in my time. Would it surprise you to know that I was once with a mind-reading act? IRENE Really? HARRY Yeah. IRENE Now you're staring at me again. HARRY Have you ever been in Omaha? IRENE Omaha? Where is that? Persia? HARRY No. Nebraska. That's one of our states. I played there once with the greatest act of my career. I was a stooge for Zuleika, the Mind Reader. At least she called me her stooge. But I was the one who had to do all the brain work. IRENE And she read people's minds? HARRY I did it for her. I passed through the audience and fed her the cues. We were sensational, playing the finest picture houses in all the key cities. Zuleika sat up on the stage, blindfolded--and usually blind drunk. IRENE Oh, dear. And was _she_ the one that I resemble? HARRY No! There was another act on the same bill. A troupe of Russians . . . IRENE Russians? HARRY Singers, mandolin players, and squat dancers. One of them was a red-headed girl. She was fascinated by our act, and she kept pestering me to teach her the code. She said she could do it better than Zuleika. IRENE Those poor Russians. There are so many of them all over the world. And so many of them completely counterfeit! HARRY This dame was counterfeit all right. In fact, she was the God-damnedest liar I ever saw. She lied just for the sheer artistry of it. She kept after me so much that I told her finally to come up to my hotel room one night, and we'd talk it over. IRENE I hope you didn't tell her the code. HARRY No. After the week in Omaha the bill split. The Russians went to Sioux Falls and we went on the Interstate Time. I played with Zuleika for another year and then the drink got her and she couldn't retain. So the act busted up. I've always hoped I'd catch up with that red-headed Russian again sometime. She might have been good. She had the voice for it, and a kind of overtone of mystery. IRENE It's a characteristic Gypsy quality. And you never saw her again? HARRY No. IRENE Perhaps it is just as well. She couldn't have been so clever--being duped so easily into going to your room. HARRY She wasn't being duped! She knew what she was doing. If there was any duping going on, she was the one that did it. IRENE She _did_ make an impression! HARRY (_looking straight at her_) I was crazy about her. She was womanhood at its most desirable--and most unreliable. IRENE And you such a connoisseur. But--it's getting late. HARRY (_rises_) Do you know any Russian music? (_He crosses to the piano._) IRENE (_rises_) Oh, yes. When I was a little girl my father used to engage Chaliapin to come often to our house. He taught me many songs. HARRY Chaliapin, eh? Your father spared no expense. (_He sits at the piano._) IRENE That was in _old_ Russia. (_He plays a few bars of_ "Kak Stranna.") Kak Stranna! HARRY Yeah! How strange! (_He starts to play_ "Prostchai.") Do you know this one? (IRENE _sings some of it in Russian_.) How do you spell that name--Irene? IRENE I-R-E-N-E. (HARRY _pounds the piano and jumps up_.) What's the matter? HARRY That's it! Irene! (_He pronounces it_ I-REEN.) IRENE But what----? HARRY I knew it! You're the one! IRENE What one? HARRY That red-headed liar! Irene! I knew I could never be mistaken. . . . IRENE Irene is a very usual name in Russia. (_She laughs heartily._) HARRY I don't care how usual it is. Everything fits together perfectly now. The name--the face--the voice--Chaliapin for a teacher! Certainly it's you! And it's no good shaking your head and looking amazed! No matter how much you may lie, you can't deny the fact that you slept with me in the Governor Bryan Hotel in Omaha in the fall of 1925. (IRENE _laughs heartily again_.) All right--go ahead and laugh. That blonde hair had me fooled for a while--but now I know it's just as phoney as the bayonet wounds, and the parachute jumps into the jungle. . . . IRENE (_still laughing_) Oh--you amuse me. HARRY It's a pleasure to be entertaining. But you can't get away with it. IRENE You amuse me very much indeed. Here we are--on a mountain peak in Bedlam. To-night, the Italians are bombing Paris. At this moment, the French may be bombing Rome, and the English bombing Germany--and the Soviets bombing Tokyo, and all you worry about is whether I am a girl you once met casually in Omaha. HARRY Did I say it was casual? IRENE (_laughing_) Oh--it _is_ amusing! HARRY (_angrily_) I know you're amused. I admit it's all very funny. I've admitted everything. I told you I was crazy about you. Now when are you going to give me a break and tell me---- IRENE You! You are so troubled--so--so uncertain about everything. HARRY I'm not uncertain about it any more, Babe. I had you tagged from the start. There was something about you that was indelible . . . something I couldn't forget all these years. (WEBER _appears on the gallery, wearing his Sulka dressing gown_.) WEBER Forgive me for intruding, my dear. But I suggest that it's time for you to go to bed. IRENE Yes, Achille. At once. (WEBER _treats_ HARRY _to a rather disparaging glance and exits_. IRENE _starts upstairs_.) Poor Achille! He suffers with the most dreadful insomnia--it is something on his mind. (_She goes up a few more steps._) He is like Macbeth. Good night, my friend--my funny friend. HARRY Good night. IRENE And thank you for making me laugh so much--to-night. HARRY I could still teach you that code. IRENE Perhaps--we shall meet again in--what was the name of the hotel? HARRY It was the Governor Bryan. IRENE Oh, yes! The Governor Bryan! (_Laughing heartily, she exits._ HARRY _goes to the piano, sits down and starts to play_ "Kak Stranna." DUMPTSY _enters from the bar_.) DUMPTSY That was wonderful--that singing and dancing. HARRY (_still playing_) Thanks, pal. Glad you enjoyed it. DUMPTSY Oh, yes, Mr. Van--that was good. HARRY (_bangs a chord_) Chaliapin--for God's _sake_! DUMPTSY I beg your pardon, sir? HARRY (_rises_) It's nothing. Good night, Dumptsy. (_He goes out into the lobby._) DUMPTSY Good night, sir. (_He starts for the bar._) CURTAIN ACT III _The following afternoon._ HARRY _is at the piano, idly playing the_ "Caprice Viennoise," _or something similar. His thoughts are elsewhere._ SHIRLEY _is darning some stockings and humming the tune_. BEBE _is plucking her eyebrows_. BEULAH, ELAINE, FRANCINE _and_ EDNA _are seated at a table_. BEULAH _is telling_ ELAINE'S _fortune with cards. The others are watching. All are intensely serious, and all chewing gum._ SHIRLEY What's that number, Harry? HARRY The "Caprice Viennoise"--Kreisler. SHIRLEY It's pretty. HARRY You think so? (_He shifts to something jazzier._) BEULAH You are going to marry. ELAINE Again? BEULAH The cards indicate dis_tinctly_ two marriages, and maybe a third. ELAINE (_chewing furiously_) For _God's_ sake! SHIRLEY (_to_ HARRY) We certainly need some new stockings. HARRY We'll renovate the wardrobe in Geneva. BEULAH Now--let's see what the fates tell us next. BEBE Say, Harry--when do we lam it out of here? HARRY Ask Beulah. Maybe she can get it out of the cards. BEBE I hate this place. It's spooky. BEULAH (_to_ HARRY) What'd you say, honey? ELAINE Ah--don't pay any attention to him. What else do they say about me? BEULAH Well . . . you'll enter upon a period of very poor health. ELAINE When? BEULAH Along about your thirty-seventh year. SHIRLEY That means any day now. (_She winks broadly at_ BEBE, _who laughs_.) HARRY (_vehemently_) Listen to me, you nymphs! We can't be wasting our time with card tricks. We've got to do a little rehearsing. SHIRLEY Why, Harry--what are you mad about now? HARRY Who said I was mad about anything? SHIRLEY Well--every time you get yourself into a peeve, you take it out on us. You start in hollering, "Listen, girls--we got to rehearse." HARRY I am not peeved. Merely a little disgusted. The act needs brushing up. BEBE Honestly, Harry--don't you think we know the routine by now? HARRY I'm not saying you don't know it. I'm just saying that your performance last night grieved me and shocked me. You had your eyes on those officers and not on your work. That kind of attitude went big in Rumania, but now we're going to a town where artistry counts. Some day, I'll take the whole bunch of you to watch the Russian ballet, just to give you an idea of what dancing is. (CAPTAIN LOCICERO _comes in_.) CAPTAIN Your pardon, Mr. Van. HARRY Ah, Captain. Good afternoon. . . . Rest, girls. CAPTAIN (_to the_ GIRLS) Good afternoon. GIRLS Good afternoon, Captain. HARRY You bring us news? CAPTAIN Good news, I hope. May I have your passports? HARRY Certainly. (_He gets them out of his coat and hands them to the_ CAPTAIN.) CAPTAIN Thank you. I hope to have definite word for you very shortly. (_He salutes and starts to go._) HARRY What about Mr. Quillery, Captain? What's happened to him? CAPTAIN Mr. Quillery was very injudicious. Very injudicious. I am glad that you are so much more intelligent. (_He goes out._) SHIRLEY I don't think they could have done anything cruel to him. They're awfully sweet boys, those Wops. HARRY So I observed. . . . Now listen to me, girls. Geneva's a key spot, and we've got to be good. Your audiences there won't be a lot of hunkies, who don't care what you do as long as you don't wear practically any pants. These people are accustomed to the best. They're mains--big people, like prime ministers, and maharajahs and archbishops. If we click with them, we'll be set for London and Paris. We may even make enough money to get us home. BEBE Oh--don't speak of such a thing! Home! EDNA To get a real decent henna wash again! HARRY The trouble with all of you is, you're thinking too much about your own specialties. You're trying to steal the act, and wreck it. Remember what the late Knute Rockne said: "Somebody else can have the all-star, all-American aggregations. All _I_ want is a team!" Now, you--Beulah. You've got plenty of chance to score individually in the bubble number. But when we're doing the chorus routine, you've got to submerge your genius in the mass. BEULAH What do I do wrong, honey? HARRY Your Maxie Ford is lacklustre. Here--I'll show you. . . . (HARRY _gets up to demonstrate the Maxie Ford_.) SHIRLEY (_laughs_) If you do it that way, Beulah, you'll go flat on your face. Here--_I'll_ show you. HARRY Just a minute, Miss Laughlin. Who's the director of this act, you or me? SHIRLEY (_amiably_) You are, you old poop. But you just don't know the steps. ELAINE Don't let her get fresh, Harry. BEBE Slap her down! SHIRLEY Give us the music, Harry. BEULAH Please, Harry. Shirley just wants to be helpful. HARRY I feel I should resent this--but--(_He returns to the piano._) Go ahead, Miss Laughlin. Carry on. (_He plays._ SHIRLEY _demonstrates_. BEULAH _tries it_.) BEULAH Have I got it right? SHIRLEY Sure! He's just shooting his face off! (_During this, the following conversation goes on:_) ELAINE You know that Wop that was giving me a play last night? FRANCINE You mean the one with the bent nose? BEBE I thought he was terrible. But that boy I had is a Count. ELAINE Well, look what he gave me. EDNA What is it? BEBE Let me see it. ELAINE I don't know what it is. BEBE Looks like money. What kind of money is that, Harry? HARRY It's an old Roman coin. SHIRLEY How much is it worth? HARRY I haven't looked up the latest rate of exchange on dinars. But I think, dear, you've been betrayed. Now, pay attention, girls. . . . As I said, we've got to improve the act, and with that in view, I'm going to retire from all the dance routine. BEBE What? BEULAH Why, _Harry_--we couldn't. . . . SHIRLEY Oh! I hurt you, didn't I! (_She rushes to him, coos over him._) Yes, I did, you poor baby. I hurt his feelings--and I'm sorry--I'm very, very sorry. HARRY All right, Shirley. We can dispense with the regrets. Save your lipstick. (_He thrusts her away._) SHIRLEY But why . . . ? HARRY I've decided that I'm a thinker, rather than a performer. From now on, I shall devote myself to the purely creative end of the act, and, of course, the negotiation of contracts. BEULAH But when did you make up your mind to this, honey? HARRY I've been considering it for a long time. SHIRLEY Say! What were you talking about to that Russian dame? HARRY We discussed world politics. FRANCINE Oh! SHIRLEY And how are politics these days? BEBE Did you get anywheres near to first base, Harry? HARRY I find it impossible to explain certain things to you girls. You're children of nature. SHIRLEY We're _what_? BEULAH He means we're natural. HARRY Never mind, sweetheart. You'll sing the number, Shirley. SHIRLEY Me? BEBE With that terrible voice? HARRY She handled it fine that time I had bronchitis in Belgrade. And with a little rehearsal, you'll have the whole League of Nations rooting for you. Now--let's have it. (_He plays_, SHIRLEY _sings_, BEBE _disapproves_.) (DON _comes in, dressed for travelling_.) DON Captain Locicero has got the orders to let us through and the train is due to leave about four o'clock. What a relief to be out of this foul place! HARRY You going too, Don? DON Yes. There's nothing for me here. In fact, I'm sick and tired of Europe as a whole. I was in town this morning when they shot Quillery. BEBE Who? SHIRLEY It was that little guy that bawled out the Wops. BEULAH They _shot_ him? Why did they have to do that? DON Of course, he asked for it. But even so, it's pretty sickening to see one of your fellow human beings crumpled up in horrible, violent death. Well--there'll be plenty more like him, and right here, too. The French know all about this air base, and they'll be over any minute with their bombs. So--it's California here I come! HARRY And run right into the Japs? Better stop off at Wichita. DON I'll see you all on the train. (_He goes up the stairs._) HARRY You girls go get yourselves ready. (_The_ CHERRYS _appear on the gallery_. DON _speaks to them, then goes out. The_ CHERRYS _come down_.) ELAINE O.K., Harry. EDNA (_going_) I'm surprised at those Wops. They seemed like such sweet boys. BEBE Sure--when they talk they sound like opera. But they're awful excitable. (BEBE, ELAINE, EDNA _and_ FRANCINE _have gone out_.) BEULAH But I can't understand--why did they have to shoot that poor boy? HARRY It's hard to explain, Beulah. But it seems there's some kind of argument going on over here, and the only way they can settle it is by murdering a lot of people. BEBE You don't need to tell _me_ what it's like. I was in the Club Grotto the night the Purple Gang shot it out with the G's. And was that terrible! Blood all over everything! (_She and_ SHIRLEY _and_ BEULAH _have gone out_.) HARRY You heard what they did to Quillery? CHERRY Yes. It seems that he died like a true patriot, shouting "Vive La France." HARRY Better if he died like a man--sticking to what he knew was right. CHERRY He was a nice little chap. MRS. CHERRY The Italians are swine! (DON _reappears on the balcony and comes down_.) CHERRY Oh, they had a perfect right to do it. MRS. CHERRY But to kill a man for saying what he thinks! CHERRY Many people will be killed for less than that. HARRY I'll have to be saying good-bye pretty soon. Did you say the train goes at four, Don? DON Four o'clock. Correct! (_He goes._) HARRY I hope all this unpleasantness won't spoil your winter sports. CHERRY Oh, that's all washed up. We're going, too--if they'll let us cross the border. HARRY So the honeymoon has ended already? MRS. CHERRY Yes--I suppose so. CHERRY England is coming into this business. We have to stand by France, of course. And so there's nothing for it but . . . MRS. CHERRY And so Jimmy will have to do his bit, manning the guns, for civilization. Perhaps he'll join in the bombardment of Florence, where we were married. CHERRY You know--after the ceremony we went into the Baptistery and prayed to the soul of Leonardo da Vinci that we might never fail in our devotion to that which is beautiful and true. I told you we were a bit on the romantic side. We forgot what Leonardo said about war. Bestial frenzy he called it. And bestial frenzy it is. MRS. CHERRY But we mustn't think about that now. We have to stand by France. We have to make the world a decent place for heroes to live in. Oh, Christ! (_She starts to sob._ CHERRY _rushes to her_.) CHERRY Now, now, darling. We've got to make a pretense of being sporting about it. Please, darling. Don't cry. HARRY Let her cry, the poor kid. Let her sob her heart out--for all the God-damned good it will do her. You know what I often think? (_He is trying to be tactful._) I often think we ought to get together and elect somebody else God. Me, for instance. I'll bet I'd do a much better job. MRS. CHERRY You'd be fine, Mr. Van. HARRY I believe I would. There'd be a lot of people who would object to my methods. That Mr. Weber, for instance. I'd certainly begin my administration by beating the can off him. CHERRY Let's start the campaign now! Vote for good old Harry Van, and his Six Angels! (_The_ CAPTAIN _comes in with a brief-case full of papers and passports. He takes these out and puts them on a table._) CAPTAIN Good afternoon, Mrs. Cherry. Gentlemen. HARRY Do we get across? CAPTAIN Here is your passport, Mr. Van--and the young ladies, with my compliments. They have been duly stamped. (_He hands them over._) HARRY Thanks, Captain. And how about Mr. Weber and his--friend? Are they going, too? CAPTAIN I have their passports here. I advise you to make ready, Mr. Van. The train will leave in about forty-five minutes. HARRY O.K., Captain. See you later, Mr. and Mrs. Cherry. (_He goes._) CHERRY O.K., Harry. MRS. CHERRY And what about us, Captain? CAPTAIN Due to a slight technicality, you will be permitted to cross the frontier. Here are your passports. CHERRY I can't tell you how grateful we are. (WEBER _appears on the gallery_.) CAPTAIN You needn't be grateful to me, Mr. Cherry. The fact that you are allowed to pass is due to the superb centralization of authority in my country. The telegram authorizing your release was filed at 11:43 to-day, just seventeen minutes before a state of war was declared between Great Britain and Italy. I must obey the order of Rome, even though I know it's out of date. Is your luggage ready? CHERRY It's all out here in the hall. We're off now, Captain. Well, good-bye and good luck! CAPTAIN And good luck to you--both of you. CHERRY I need hardly say that I'm sorry about all this. It's really a damned rotten shame. CAPTAIN It is. All of that. Good-bye, my friend. (_He extends his hand and_ CHERRY shakes it.) Madame. . . . (_He extends his hand to_ MRS. CHERRY.) MRS. CHERRY Don't call _me_ your friend, because I say what Quillery said--damn you--damn your whole country of mad dogs for having started this horror. CAPTAIN (_bows_) It is not my fault, Mrs. Cherry. CHERRY It's utterly unfair to talk that way, darling. The Captain is doing his miserable duty as decently as he possibly can. CAPTAIN (_tactfully_) In this unhappy situation, we are all in danger of losing our heads. MRS. CHERRY I know . . . I know. Forgive me for the outburst. (_She extends her hand to the_ CAPTAIN _and they shake_.) I should have remembered that it's everybody's fault. CHERRY That's right, my sweet. Come along. (_They go out._) CAPTAIN (_to_ WEBER) Frankly, my heart bleeds for them. WEBER They're young. They'll live through it, and be happy. CAPTAIN Will they? I was their age, and in their situation, twenty years ago, when I was sent to the Isonzo front. And people said just that to me: "Never mind, you are young--and youth will survive and come to triumph." And I believed it. That is why I couldn't say such deceiving words to them now. WEBER The cultivation of hope never does any immediate harm. Is everything in order? CAPTAIN (_rises_) Quite, Monsieur Weber. Here it is. (_He hands over_ WEBER'S _passport_.) WEBER And Madame's? (_The_ CAPTAIN _picks up a document on foolscap_.) CAPTAIN This is an unusual kind of passport. It has given us some worry. WEBER The League of Nations issues documents like that to those whose nationality is uncertain. CAPTAIN I understand--but the attitude of Italy toward the League of Nations is not at the moment cordial. WEBER Then you refuse to honor Madame's passport? CAPTAIN My instructions are to accord you every consideration, Monsieur Weber. In view of the fact that Madame is travelling with you, I shall be glad to approve her visa. WEBER Madame is not travelling with me. She has her own passport. CAPTAIN But it is understood that you vouch for her, and that is enough to satisfy the authorities. WEBER (_with cold authority_) Vouch for her? It is not necessary for anyone to vouch for Madame! She is entirely capable of taking care of herself. If her passport is not entirely in order, it is no affair of mine. CAPTAIN (_genuinely distressed_) But--I must tell you, Monsieur Weber--this is something I do not like. This places me in a most embarrassing position. I shall be forced to detain her. WEBER You are a soldier, my dear Captain, and you should be used to embarrassing positions. Undoubtedly you were embarrassed this morning, when you had to shoot that confused pacifist, Quillery. But this is war, and unpleasant responsibilities descend upon you and on me as well. However . . . (_He sees_ HARRY, _who is coming in_.) I shall attend to my luggage. Thank you, Captain. (_He goes out._) CAPTAIN Don't mention it. (_To_ HARRY.) The young ladies are ready? HARRY Yes--they're ready. And some of your aviators are out there trying to talk them into staying here permanently. CAPTAIN (_smiling_) And I add my entreaties to theirs. HARRY We won't have any more trouble, will we? (_The_ DOCTOR _appears on the gallery with coat, hat, books done in a bundle, and umbrella. He comes downstairs._) CAPTAIN Oh, no, Mr. Van. Geneva is a lovely spot. All of Switzerland is beautiful, these days. I envy you going there, in such charming company. HARRY Hi, Doctor. Have you got the rats all packed? DOCTOR Good afternoon. I am privileged to go now? (_He puts down all of his belongings and crosses._) CAPTAIN Yes, Dr. Waldersee. Here is your passport. DOCTOR Thank you. (_He examines the passport carefully._) HARRY I can tell you, Doctor--I'm going to be proud to have known you. When I read in the papers that you've wiped out cancer and won the Nobel prize, and you're the greatest hero on earth, I'll be able to say, "He's a personal friend of mine. He once admired my music." DOCTOR (_solemnly_) Thank you very much. (_To the_ CAPTAIN.) This visa is good for crossing the Austrian border? CAPTAIN Certainly. But you are going to Zurich? DOCTOR (_rises_) I have changed my plans. I am going back into Germany. Germany is at war. Perhaps I am needed. (_He crosses to pick up his coat._) HARRY Needed for what? DOCTOR I shall offer my services for what they are worth. (HARRY _goes to help him on with his coat_.) HARRY But what about the rats? DOCTOR (_fiercely_) Why should I save people who don't want to be saved--so that they can go out and exterminate each other? Obscene maniacs! (_Starts to put on his gloves._) Then I'll be a maniac, too. Only I'll be more dangerous than most of them. For I know all the tricks of death! And--as for my rats, maybe they'll be useful. Britain will put down the blockade again, and we shall be starving--and maybe I'll cut my rats into filets and eat them. (_He laughs, not pleasantly, and picks up his umbrella and books._) HARRY Wait a minute, Doctor. You're doing this without thinking. . . . DOCTOR I'm thinking probably that remedy you sold is better than mine. Hasten to apply it. We are all diseased. . . . HARRY But you can't change around like this! Have you forgotten all the things you told me? All that about backsliding? DOCTOR No, I have not forgotten the degradation of mankind--that is painful and offensive to conceive. (_He is going out._) I am sorry to disappoint you about the Nobel prize. (_He has gone._) HARRY Good-bye, Doctor. (_He sits down, wearily._) Why in the name of God can't somebody answer the question that everybody asks? Why? Why? Oh--I know the obvious answers, but they aren't good enough. Weber--and a million like him--they can't take the credit for _all_ of this! Who is it that did this dirty trick on a lot of decent people? And why do you let them get away with it? That's the thing that I'd like to know! CAPTAIN We have avalanches up here, my friend. They are disastrous. They start with a little crack in the ice, so tiny that one cannot see it, until, suddenly, it bursts wide open. And then it is too late. HARRY That's very effective, Captain. But it don't satisfy me, because this avalanche isn't made out of ice. It's made out of flesh and blood--and--and _brains_. . . . It's God-damned bad management--that's what it is! (_This last is half to himself._) (IRENE _has appeared on the gallery and started to come down_.) IRENE Still upset about the situation, Mr. Van? Ah--good afternoon, my dear Captain Locicero. CAPTAIN Good afternoon, Madame. IRENE I have had the most superb rest here. The atmosphere is so calm, and impersonal, and soothing. I can't bear to think that we're going to Biarritz, with the dull, dismal old sea pounding in my ears. (WEBER _comes in_.) IRENE We are leaving now, Achille? WEBER I believe that some difficulties have arisen. (_He looks toward the_ CAPTAIN.) IRENE Difficulties? CAPTAIN I regret, Madame, that there must be some further delay. IRENE Oh! Then the train is not going through, after all? CAPTAIN The train is going, Madame. But this passport of yours presents problems which, under the circumstances---- IRENE Monsieur Weber will settle the problems, whatever they are. Won't you, Achille? WEBER There is some question about your nationality, Irene. CAPTAIN (_referring to the passport_) It states here, Madame, that your birthplace is uncertain, but assumed to be Armenia. IRENE That is a province of Russia! CAPTAIN You subsequently became a resident of England, then of the United States, and then of France. IRENE (_angrily_) Yes--it's all there--clearly stated. I have never before had the slightest difficulty about my passport. It was issued by the League of Nations. WEBER I'm afraid the standing of the League of Nations is not very high in Italy at this moment. CAPTAIN The fact is, Madame, the very existence of the League is no longer recognized by our government. For that reason, we can not permit you to cross the frontier at this time. (_She looks at him and then at_ WEBER. _The_ CAPTAIN _hands her the passport_.) I'm sure you will appreciate the delicacy of my position. Perhaps we shall be able to adjust the matter to-morrow. (_He salutes and goes out, glad to escape._ HARRY _goes with him, asking "What's the trouble, Captain? Can't something be done about it?"_) WEBER I should of course wait over, Irene. But you know how dangerous it is for me to delay my return to France by so much as one day. I have been in touch with our agents. The premier is demanding that production be doubled--trebled--at once. IRENE Of course. WEBER Here--(_He takes out an envelope containing money._) This will cover all possible expenses. (_He gives her the envelope._) There is a train for Venice this evening. You must go there and see Lanza. I have already sent him full instructions. IRENE Yes, Achille. And I thank you for having managed this very, very tactfully. WEBER (_smiles_) You are a genuinely superior person, my dear. It is a privilege to have known you. IRENE Thank you again, Achille. Good-bye. WEBER Good-bye, Irene. (_He kisses her hand._ HARRY _returns_.) Coming, Mr. Van? HARRY In a minute. (WEBER _goes_. IRENE _puts the money in her handbag_.) Tough luck, babe. IRENE It's no matter. HARRY I just talked to the Captain and he isn't going to be as brutal as the Bolsheviks were. I mean, you won't suffer any bayonet wounds. He'll fix it for you to get through to-morrow. IRENE You want to be encouraging, my dear friend. But it's no use. The Italian government has too many reasons for wishing to detain me. They'll see to it that I disappear--quietly--and completely. HARRY Yes--I know all about that. IRENE All about what? HARRY You're a person of tremendous significance. You always were. (SHIRLEY _appears at the left_.) SHIRLEY Hey, Harry! It's time for us to go. HARRY I'll be right out. (SHIRLEY _goes_.) IRENE Go away--go away with your friends. If I am to die, it is no concern of yours! HARRY Listen, babe--I haven't any wish to . . . IRENE (_flaming_) And please don't call me _babe_! (_She stands up and walks away from him. He follows her._) HARRY My apologies, Madame. I just call everybody "babe." IRENE Perhaps that's why I do not like it! HARRY Even if I don't believe anything you say, I can see pretty plainly that you're in a tough spot. And considering what we were to each other in the old Governor Bryan Hotel---- IRENE Must you always be in Omaha? HARRY I'd like to help you, Irene. Isn't there something I can do? IRENE I thank you, from my heart, I thank you, for that offer. But it's useless. . . . HARRY You don't have to thank me. Tell me--what can I do? IRENE You're very kind, and very gallant. But, unfortunately, you're no match for Achille Weber. He has decided that I shall remain here and his decision is final! HARRY Is he responsible for them stopping you? IRENE Of course he is. I knew it the moment I saw that ashamed look on Captain Locicero's face, when he refused to permit me . . . HARRY So Weber double-crossed you, did he! What has the son of a bitch got against you? IRENE He's afraid of me. I know too much about his methods of promoting his own business. HARRY Everybody knows about his methods. Little Quillery was talking about them last night. . . . IRENE Yes--and what happened to Quillery? That's what happens to every one who dares to criticize him. Last night I did the one thing he could never forgive. I told him the truth! At last I told him just what I think. And now--you see how quickly he strikes back! (SHIRLEY _and_ BEBE _appear_.) SHIRLEY Harry! The bus is going to leave. HARRY All right--all right! BEBE But we got to go this _minute_! HARRY I'll be with you. Get out! SHIRLEY (_as they go_) Can you imagine? He stops everything to make another pass at that Russian. (_They have gone._) IRENE Go ahead--go ahead! You can't help me! No one can! (_He picks up his coat and hat._) But--if it will make you any happier in your future travels with Les Blondes, I'll tell you, yes--I did know you, slightly, in Omaha! HARRY (_peering at her_) Are you lying again? IRENE It was Room 974. Does that convince you? HARRY (_ferociously_) How can I remember what room it was? IRENE (_smiling_) Well, then--you'll never be sure, Mr. Van. BEBE'S VOICE Harry! SHIRLEY'S VOICE For God's sake, Harry! DON (_appearing_) We can't wait another instant! (DON _goes_.) SHIRLEY'S VOICE Come _on_! HARRY (_He turns and starts for the door, addressing the_ GIRLS _en route_.) All right, God damn it! (_He goes out._) (IRENE _takes out her vanity case, and does something to her face. She takes off her hat and cloak._ DUMPTSY _comes in from the back. He is wearing the uniform of a private in the Italian army, with gas mask at the alert, and a full pack on his back._) DUMPTSY Good afternoon, Madame. IRENE (_turning_) Why, Dumptsy--what is that costume? DUMPTSY They called me up. Look! I'm an Italian soldier. IRENE You look splendid! DUMPTSY If you please, Madame. But why didn't you go on that bus? IRENE I've decided to stay and enjoy the winter sports. DUMPTSY I don't think this is a good place any more, Madame. They say the war is very big--bigger than last time. IRENE Yes--I hear that on all sides. DUMPTSY The French will be here to drop bombs on everybody. IRENE It will be thrilling for us if they do. Won't it, Dumptsy? DUMPTSY Maybe it will, Madame. But--I came to say good-bye to Auguste, the barman, and Anna, the maid. They're both cousins of mine. They'll laugh when they see me in these clothes. (_He goes to the left._) Can I get you anything, Madame? IRENE Yes, Dumptsy. I'll have a bottle of champagne. Bring two glasses. We'll have a drink together. DUMPTSY If you please, Madame. (DUMPTSY _goes into the bar_. IRENE _lights a cigarette and goes up to the window to look out_. PITTALUGA _comes in_.) PITTALUGA Your luggage is in the hall, Madame. Will you wish it taken to the same suite? IRENE No--I didn't really care much for those rooms. Have you anything smaller? PITTALUGA (_in a less deferential tone_) We have smaller rooms on the other side of the hotel. IRENE I'll have the smallest. It will be cozier. PITTALUGA You wish to go to it now? IRENE No. You can send up the luggage. I'll look at it later. (PITTALUGA _bows and goes_. DUMPTSY _returns with the champagne_.) DUMPTSY I was right, Madame. Auguste laughed very much. IRENE (_coming down_) What will happen to your wife and children, Dumptsy? DUMPTSY Oh--I suppose the Fascisti will feed them. They promised to feed all the families with a man who is out fighting for their country. (_He has filled her glass. She sits down._) IRENE Go ahead and pour yourself one, Dumptsy. DUMPTSY Thank you so much, Madame. I wasn't sure I heard correctly. IRENE Here's to you, Dumptsy--and to Austria. DUMPTSY And to you, Madame, if you please. IRENE Thank you. (_They drink._) DUMPTSY And may you soon be restored to your home in Petersburg. IRENE Petersburg? DUMPTSY Yes, Madame. Your home. IRENE (_with a slight smile_) Ah, yes. My home! (_They drink again._) And have no fear for the future, Dumptsy. Whatever happens--have no fear! DUMPTSY If you please, Madame, (_He finishes his drink._) And now I must go find Anna, if you will excuse me. IRENE Here, Dumptsy. (_She hands him a note of money._) Good-bye, and God bless you. DUMPTSY Thank you so much, Madame. (DUMPTSY _leans over and kisses her hand_.) Kiss die hand, Madame. (_The_ CAPTAIN _and_ MAJOR _come in from the lobby_. DUMPTSY _salutes, strenuously, and goes out. The_ MAJOR _goes across and into the bar. The_ CAPTAIN _is following him_.) IRENE Some champagne, Captain? CAPTAIN No, thank you very much. IRENE You needn't be anxious to avoid me, Captain. I know perfectly well that it wasn't your fault. CAPTAIN You are very understanding, Madame. IRENE Yes--that's true. I am one of the most remarkably understanding people on earth. (_She swallows her drink._) I understand so damned much that I am here, alone, on this cold mountain, and I have no one to turn to, nowhere to go . . . CAPTAIN If I can be of service to you in any way . . . IRENE I know you'll be kind, Captain Locicero. And faultlessly polite. CAPTAIN (_with genuine sympathy_) I realize, Madame, that politeness means nothing now. But--under these tragic circumstances--what else can I do? IRENE (_deliberately_) What else can you do? I'll tell you what else you can do in these tragic circumstances. You can refuse to fight! Have you ever thought of that possibility? You can refuse to use those weapons that they have sold you! But--you were going into the bar. Please don't let me detain you. CAPTAIN You will forgive me, Madame? IRENE Fully, my dear Captain. . . . Fully. CAPTAIN Thank you. (_He salutes and goes into the bar._) (IRENE _pours herself another drink. Then she picks it up, goes to the piano, and starts to play a sketchy accompaniment for_ "Kak Stranna." _She seems to be pretty close to tears. Perhaps she does cry a little, thoroughly enjoying the emotion._ HARRY _comes in wearing his snappy overcoat and his hat. He pays no attention to her, as he takes off his coat and hat and throws them down somewhere._) IRENE Did you have some trouble? HARRY No. Whose is that champagne? IRENE Mine. Won't you have some? HARRY Thanks. IRENE Dumptsy used that glass. HARRY That's all right. (_He fills the glass and drinks._) IRENE What happened? Didn't the train go? HARRY Yes--the train went. . . . I got the girls on board. Mr. and Mrs. Cherry promised to look out for them. They'll be O.K. IRENE And you came back--to me? HARRY (_curtly_) It seems fairly obvious that I did come back. (_He refills his glass._) IRENE You meant it when you said that you wanted to help me. HARRY You said I'd never be sure. Well--I came back to tell you I _am_ sure! I got thinking back, in the bus, and I came to the conclusion that it _was_ Room 974 or close to it, anyway. And somehow or other, I couldn't help feeling rather flattered, and touched, to think that with all the sordid hotel rooms you've been in, you should have remembered that one. (_He has some more champagne._) IRENE (_after a moment_) Bayard is not dead! HARRY Who? IRENE The Chevalier Bayard. HARRY Oh? IRENE Somewhere in that funny, music-hall soul of yours is the spirit of Leander, and Abelard, and Galahad. You give up everything--risk your life--walk unafraid into the valley of the shadow--to aid and comfort a damsel in distress. Isn't that the truth? HARRY Yes--it's the truth--plainly and simply put. (_He pours himself more champagne and drinks it quickly._) Listen to me, babe--when are you going to break down and tell me who the hell are you? IRENE Does it matter so very much who I am? HARRY No. IRENE Give me some more champagne. (HARRY _goes to her and pours_.) My father was not one of the Romanoffs. But for many years, he was their guest--in Siberia. From him I learned that it is no use telling the truth to people whose whole life is a lie. But you--Harry--you are different. You are an honest man. HARRY (_after a short pause_) I am--am I? (_He crosses to the bar._) Another bottle of champagne. . . . Hi, Captain. CAPTAIN'S VOICE (_offstage in bar_) What has happened, Mr. Van? Did you miss the train? HARRY No--just a God-damned fool. (_He closes the bar door._ IRENE _is gazing at him. He goes to her and kisses her._) IRENE All these years--you've been surrounded by blondes--and you've loved only me! HARRY Now listen--we don't want to have any misunderstanding. If you're hooking up with me, it's only for professional reasons--see? IRENE Yes--I see. HARRY And what's more, I'm the manager. I'll fix it with the Captain for us to cross the border to-morrow, or the next day, or soon. We'll join up with the girls in Geneva--and that's as good a place as any to rehearse the code. IRENE The code! Of _course_--the code! I shall learn it easily. HARRY It's a very deep complicated scientific problem. IRENE You must tell it to me at once. HARRY At once! If you're unusually smart and apply yourself you'll have a fairly good idea of it after six months of study and rehearsal. IRENE A mind reader! Yes--you're quite right. I shall be able to do that very well! (AUGUSTE _enters from the bar with a bottle of champagne. He refills their glasses, then refills_ HARRY'S _glass, gives_ HARRY _the bottle and goes back in to the bar_.) HARRY And, another thing, if you're going to qualify for this act with me, you've got to lay off liquor. I mean, after we finish this. It's a well-known fact that booze and science don't mix. (_He has another drink._ IRENE _is as one in a trance_.) IRENE I don't think I shall use my own name. No--Americans would mispronounce it horribly. No, I shall call myself--Namoura . . . Namoura the Great--assisted by Harry Van. HARRY You've got nice billing there. IRENE I shall wear a black velvet dress--very plain--My skin, ivory white. I must have something to hold. One white flower. No! A little white prayer book. That's it. A little white . . . (_The warning siren is heard._) What's that? HARRY Sounds like a fire. (_The_ CAPTAIN _and_ MAJOR _burst out of the bar and rush to the big window, talking excitedly in Italian and pointing to the northwestern sky. The siren shrieks continue. The_ MAJOR _then rushes out, the_ CAPTAIN _about to follow him_.) What's up, Captain? CAPTAIN French aeroplanes. It is reprisal for last night. They are coming to destroy our base here. HARRY I see. CAPTAIN They have no reason to attack this hotel. But--there may easily be accidents. I advise the cellar. (AUGUSTE _rushes in from the bar_, PITTALUGA _from the lobby. The latter orders_ AUGUSTE _to lower the Venetian blinds_.) IRENE Oh, no, Captain. We must stay here and watch the spectacle. CAPTAIN I entreat you not to be reckless, Madame. I have enough on my conscience now, without adding to it your innocent life! IRENE Don't worry, Captain. Death and I are old friends. CAPTAIN God be with you, Madame. (_He goes out._ HARRY _and_ IRENE _empty their glasses_. HARRY _refills them. Airplane motors are heard, increasing. Then the sound of machine guns._) (_Bombs are heard bursting at some distance._ AUGUSTE _and_ PITTALUGA _go_.) IRENE Those are bombs. HARRY I guess so. IRENE We're in the war, Harry. HARRY What do you think we ought to do about it? Go out and say "Boo"? IRENE Let them be idiotic if they wish. We are sane. Why don't you try singing something? HARRY The voice don't feel appropriate. Too bad we haven't got Chaliapin here. (_She laughs._) You know, babe--you look better blonde. IRENE Thank you. (PITTALUGA _runs in_.) PITTALUGA The French beasts are bombing us! Every one goes into the cellar. HARRY Thanks very much, Signor. PITTALUGA You have been warned! (_He rushes out._) IRENE Ridiculous! Here we are, on top of the world--and he asks us to go down into the cellar. . . . Do you want to go into the cellar? HARRY Do you? IRENE No. If a bomb hits, it will be worse in the cellar. (_He holds her close to him. She kisses him._) I love you, Harry. HARRY You do, eh! IRENE Ever since that night--in the Governor Bryan Hotel--I've loved you. Because I knew that you have a heart that I can trust. And that whatever I would say to you, I would never--_never_ be misunderstood. HARRY That's right, babe. I told you I had you tagged, right from the beginning. IRENE And you adore me, don't you, darling? HARRY No! Now lay off---- IRENE No--of course not--you mustn't admit it! HARRY Will you please stop pawing me? (_She laughs and lets go of him._) (HARRY _pours more champagne, as she crosses to the window, opens the slats of the blinds, and looks out. There is now great noise of planes, machine guns and bombs._) IRENE Oh, you must see this! It's superb! (_He crosses to the window with his glass and looks out. The light on the stage is growing dimmer, but a weird light comes from the window. The scream of many gas bombs is heard._) It's positively Wagnerian--isn't it? HARRY It looks to me exactly like "Hell's Angels." Did you ever see that picture, babe? IRENE No. I don't care for films. HARRY I do. I love 'em--every one of them. (_He is dragging her to the piano--a comparatively safe retreat._) Did you know I used to play the piano in picture theatres? Oh, sure--I know all the music there is. (_They are now at the piano_--HARRY _sitting_, IRENE _standing close by him. She is looking toward the window. He starts to accompany the air-raid with the_ "Ride of the Walkyries." _There is a loud explosion._) IRENE Harry . . . HARRY Yes, babe? IRENE Harry--do you realize that the whole world has gone to war? The _whole world_! HARRY I realize it. But don't ask me why. Because I've stopped trying to figure it out. IRENE I know why it is. It's just for the purpose of killing _us_ . . . you and me. (_There is another loud explosion._ HARRY _stops playing_.) Because we are the little people--and for us the deadliest weapons are the most merciful. . . . (_Another loud explosion._ HARRY _drinks_.) HARRY They're getting closer. IRENE Play some more. (_He resumes the_ "Walkyrie.") Harry--do you know any hymns? HARRY What? IRENE _Do you know any hymns?_ HARRY Certainly. (_He starts to play_ "Onward, Christian Soldiers" _in furious jazz time, working in strains of_ "Dixie." _There is another fearful crash, shattering the pane of the big window. He drags her down beside him at the piano._ HARRY _resumes_ "Onward, Christian Soldiers" _in a slow, solemn tempo_.) HARRY (_sings_) Onward, Christian Soldiers---- (IRENE _joins the loud singing_.) BOTH (_singing_) Marching as to war-- With the Cross of Jesus Going on before. . . . (_The din is now terrific. Demolition--bombs, gas-bombs, airplanes, shrapnel, machine guns._) CURTAIN POSTSCRIPT During the past two weeks (this is March 16, 1936) the Italians have made a great offensive in Ethiopia; there has been an outburst of assassination and hara kiri by Fascists in Japan; the British Foreign Secretary, Mr. Eden, has said in the House of Commons that the current situation is "dreadfully similar to 1914"; a mutual assistance treaty has been ratified between republican France and Soviet Russia, and the German army has occupied the Rhineland, thereby shattering all that remained of the treaties of Versailles and Locarno. What will happen before this play reaches print or a New York audience, I do not know. But let me express here the conviction that those who shrug and say, "War is inevitable," are false prophets. I believe that the world is populated largely by decent people, and decent people don't want war. Nor do they make war. They fight and die, to be sure--but that is because they have been deluded by their exploiters, who are members of the indecent minority. Of course, this delusion may still go on. If decent people will continue to be intoxicated by the synthetic spirit of patriotism, pumped into them by megalomaniac leaders, and will continue to have faith in the "security" provided by those lethal weapons sold to them by the armaments industry, then war _is_ inevitable; and the world will soon resolve itself into the semblance of an ant hill, governed by commissars who owe their power to the profundity of their contempt for the individual members of their species. But I don't believe this will be so. I believe that a sufficient number of people are aware of the persistent validity of the Sermon on the Mount, and they remember that, between 1914 and 1918, twelve million men died in violence to make safe for democracy the world which we see about us to-day. That awareness and remembrance can be strong enough to resist the forces which would drive us back into the confusion and the darkness and the filth of No Man's Land. The megalomaniac, to live, must inspire excitement, fear and awe. If, instead, he is greeted with calmness, courage and ridicule, he becomes a figure of supreme insignificance. A display of the three latter qualities by England, France, the Soviet Union, and the United States will defeat Fascism in Germany, Italy, and Japan, and will remove the threat of war which is Fascism's last gesture of self-justification. By refusing to imitate the Fascists in their policies of heavily fortified isolation, their hysterical self-worship and psychopathic hatred of others, we may achieve the enjoyment of peaceful life on earth, rather than degraded death in the cellar. R. E. S. TRANSCRIBER'S NOTES The following changes were made to the original text: Page 5: com'e bello! ==> com'è bello! Page 16: disscreetly ==> discreetly Page 62: one of of our rooms ==> one of our rooms Page 94: The Cherrys sits by her. ==> The Cherrys sit by her. Other than changing Dumpsty to Dumptsy, correcting italic markup, and adding a missing period, minor variations in spelling and punctuation have been preserved. [End of Idiot's Delight, by Robert Emmet Sherwood]