* A Project Gutenberg Canada Ebook * This ebook is made available at no cost and with very few restrictions. These restrictions apply only if (1) you make a change in the ebook (other than alteration for different display devices), or (2) you are making commercial use of the ebook. If either of these conditions applies, please check gutenberg.ca/links/licence.html before proceeding. This work is in the Canadian public domain, but may be under copyright in some countries. If you live outside Canada, check your country's copyright laws. IF THE BOOK IS UNDER COPYRIGHT IN YOUR COUNTRY, DO NOT DOWNLOAD OR REDISTRIBUTE THIS FILE. Title: A Night at an Inn. A Play in One Act. Author: Lord Dunsany [Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, eighteenth Baron Dunsany] (1878-1957) Date of first publication: 1916 Editions used as base for this ebook: New York: The Sunwise Turn, 1916 (first printing [illustration]; second printing [text]) Date first posted: 28 February 2009 Date last updated: 28 February 2009 Project Gutenberg Canada ebook #270 This ebook was produced by: David T. Jones, Rénald Lévesque & the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdpcanada.net A NIGHT AT AN INN A PLAY IN ONE ACT BY LORD DUNSANY [Illustration: silver seal cut by Lord Dunsany] THE SUNWISE TURN, _Inc._ 2 EAST 31ST STREET NEW YORK 1916 Copyright, 1916, by THE SUNWISE TURN, _INC._ ALL RIGHTS RESERVED The professional and amateur stage rights on this play are strictly reserved by the author. Applications for permission to produce the play should be made to The Neighborhood Playhouse, 466 Grand Street, New York. Any infringement of the author's rights will be punished by the penalties imposed under the United States Revised Statutes, Title 60, Chapter 3. * * * * * THE DRAWING ON THE COVER IS FROM A SILVER SEAL CUT BY LORD DUNSANY * * * * * 2nd Printing DRAMATIS PERSONÆ A. E. SCOTT-FORTESQUE (The Toff), _A dilapidated gentleman_ WILLIAM JONES (Bill) } ALBERT THOMAS } _merchant sailors_ JACOB SMITH (Sniggers) } First Priest of Klesh Second Priest of Klesh Third Priest of Klesh Klesh A NIGHT AT AN INN (_The curtain rises on a room in an inn. Sniggers and Bill are talking, the Toff is reading a paper. Albert sits a little apart._) SNIGGERS What's his idea, I wonder? BILL I don't know. SNIGGERS And how much longer will he keep us here? BILL We've been here three days. SNIGGERS And 'aven't seen a soul. BILL And a pretty penny it cost us when he rented the pub. SNIGGERS 'Ow long did 'e rent the pub for? BILL You never know with him. SNIGGERS It's lonely enough. BILL 'Ow long did you rent the pub for, Toffy? (_The Toff continues to read a sporting paper; he takes no notice of what is said._) SNIGGERS 'E's _such_ a toff. BILL Yet 'e's clever, no mistake. SNIGGERS Those clever ones are the beggars to make a muddle. Their plans are clever enough, but they don't work, and then they make a mess of things much worse than you or me. BILL Ah! SNIGGERS I don't like this place. BILL Why not? SNIGGERS I don't like the looks of it. BILL He's keeping us here because here those niggers can't find us. The three heathen priests what was looking for us so. But we want to go and sell our ruby soon. ALBERT There's no sense in it. BILL Why not, Albert? ALBERT Because I gave those black devils the slip in Hull. BILL You give 'em the slip, Albert? ALBERT The slip, all three of them. The fellows with the gold spots on their foreheads. I had the ruby then and I give them the slip in Hull. BILL How did you do it, Albert? ALBERT I had the ruby and they were following me. . . . BILL Who told them you had the ruby? You didn't show it. ALBERT No. . . . But they kind of know. SNIGGERS They kind of know, Albert? ALBERT Yes, they know if you've got it. Well, they sort of mouched after me, and I tells a policeman and he says, O, they were only three poor niggers and they wouldn't hurt me. Ugh! When I thought of what they did in Malta to poor old Jim. BILL Yes, and to George in Bombay before we started. SNIGGERS Ugh! BILL Why didn't you give 'em in charge? ALBERT What about the ruby, Bill? BILL Ah! ALBERT Well, I did better than that. I walks up and down through Hull. I walks slow enough. And then I turns a corner and I runs. I never sees a corner but I turns it. But sometimes I let a corner pass just to fool them. I twists about like a hare. Then I sits down and waits. No priests. SNIGGERS What? ALBERT No heathen black devils with gold spots on their face. I give 'em the slip. BILL Well done, Albert! SNIGGERS (_After a sigh of content._) Why didn't you tell us? ALBERT 'Cause 'e won't let you speak. 'E's got 'is plans and 'e thinks we're silly folk. Things must be done 'is way. And all the time I've give 'em the slip. Might 'ave 'ad one o' them crooked knives in him before now but for me who give 'em the slip in Hull. BILL Well done, Albert! Do you hear that, Toffy? Albert has give 'em the slip. THE TOFF Yes, I hear. SNIGGERS Well, what do you say to that? THE TOFF O. . . . Well done, Albert! ALBERT And what a' you going to do? THE TOFF Going to wait. ALBERT Don't seem to know what 'e's waiting for. SNIGGERS It's a nasty place. ALBERT It's getting silly, Bill. Our money's gone and we want to sell the ruby. Let's get on to a town. BILL But 'e won't come. ALBERT Then we'll leave him. SNIGGERS We'll be all right if we keep away from Hull. ALBERT We'll go to London. BILL But 'e must 'ave 'is share. SNIGGERS All right. Only let's go. (_To the Toff_) We're going, do you hear? Give us the ruby. THE TOFF Certainly. (_He gives them a ruby from his waistcoat pocket; it is the size of a small hen's egg._ _He goes on reading his paper._) ALBERT Come on, Sniggers. (_Exeunt Albert and Sniggers._) BILL Good-by, old man. We'll give you your fair share, but there's nothing to do here--no girls, no halls, and we must sell the ruby. THE TOFF I'm not a fool, Bill. BILL No, no, of course not. Of course you ain't, and you've helped us a lot. Good-by. You'll say good-by? THE TOFF Oh, yes. Good-by. (_Still reads his paper. Exit Bill. The Toff puts a revolver on the table beside him and goes on with_ _his papers. After a moment the three men come rushing in again, frightened._) SNIGGERS (_Out of breath._) We've come back, Toffy. THE TOFF So you have. ALBERT Toffy. . . . How did they get here? THE TOFF They walked, of course. ALBERT But it's eighty miles. SNIGGERS Did you know they were here, Toffy? THE TOFF Expected them about now. ALBERT Eighty miles! BILL Toffy, old man . . . what are we to do? THE TOFF Ask Albert. BILL If they can do things like this, there's no one can save us but you, Toffy. . . . I always knew you were a clever one. We won't be fools any more. We'll obey you, Toffy. THE TOFF You're brave enough and strong enough. There isn't many that would steal a ruby eye out of an idol's head, and such an idol as that was to look at, and on such a night. You're brave enough, Bill. But you're all three of you fools. Jim would have none of my plans, and where's Jim? And George. What did they do to him? SNIGGERS Don't, Toffy! THE TOFF Well, then, your strength is no use to you. You want cleverness; or they'll have you the way they had George and Jim. ALL Ugh! THE TOFF Those black priests would follow you round the world in circles. Year after year, till they got the idol's eye. And if we died with it, they'd follow our grand-children. That fool thinks he can escape from men like that by running round three streets in the town of Hull. ALBERT God's truth, _you_ 'aven't escaped them, because they're _'ere_. THE TOFF So I supposed. ALBERT You _supposed_! THE TOFF Yes, I believe there's no announcement in the Society papers. But I took this country seat especially to receive them. There's plenty of room if you dig, it is pleasantly situated, and, what is more important, it is in a very quiet neighborhood. So I am at home to them this afternoon. BILL Well, _you're_ a deep one. THE TOFF And remember, you've only my wits between you and death, and don't put your futile plans against those of an educated gentleman. ALBERT If you're a gentleman, why don't you go about among gentlemen instead of the likes of us? THE TOFF Because I was too clever for them as I am too clever for you. ALBERT Too clever for them? THE TOFF I never lost a game of cards in my life. BILL You never lost a game! THE TOFF Not when there was money in it. BILL Well, well! THE TOFF Have a game of poker? ALL No, thanks. THE TOFF Then do as you're told. BILL All right, Toffy. SNIGGERS I saw something just then. Hadn't we better draw the curtains? THE TOFF No. SNIGGERS What? THE TOFF Don't draw the curtains. SNIGGERS O, all right. BILL But, Toffy, they can see us. One doesn't let the enemy do that. I don't see why. . . . THE TOFF No, of course you don't. BILL O, all right, Toffy. (_All begin to pull out revolvers._) THE TOFF (_Putting his own away._) No revolvers, please. ALBERT Why not? THE TOFF Because I don't want any noise at my party. We might get guests that hadn't been invited. _Knives_ are a different matter. (_All draw knives. The Toff signs to them not to draw them yet. Toffy has already taken back his ruby._) BILL I think they're coming, Toffy. THE TOFF Not yet. ALBERT When will they come? THE TOFF When I am quite ready to receive them. Not before. SNIGGERS I should like to get this over. THE TOFF Should you? Then we'll have them now. SNIGGERS Now? THE TOFF Yes. Listen to me. You shall do as you see me do. You will all pretend to go out. I'll show you how. I've got the ruby. When they see me alone they will come for their idol's eye. BILL How can they tell like this which of us has it? THE TOFF I confess I don't know, but they seem to. SNIGGERS What will you do when they come in? THE TOFF I shall do nothing. SNIGGERS What? THE TOFF They will creep up behind me. Then, my friends, Sniggers and Bill and Albert, who gave them the slip, will do what they can. BILL All right, Toffy. Trust us. THE TOFF If you're a little slow, you will see enacted the cheerful spectacle that accompanied the demise of Jim. SNIGGERS Don't, Toffy. We'll be there, all right. THE TOFF Very well. Now watch me. (_He goes past the windows to the inner door R. He opens it inwards, then under cover of the open door, he slips down on his knee and closes it, remaining on the inside, appearing to have gone out. He signs to the others, who understand. Then he appears to re-enter in the same manner._) THE TOFF Now, I shall sit with my back to the door. You go out one by one, so far as our friends can make out. Crouch very low to be on the safe side. They mustn't see you through the window. (_Bill makes his sham exit._) THE TOFF Remember, no revolvers. The police are, I believe, proverbially inquisitive. (_The other two follow Bill. All three are now crouching inside the door R. The Toff puts the ruby beside him on the table. He lights a cigarette._) (_The door at the back opens so slowly that you can hardly say at what moment it began. The Toff picks up his paper._) (_A native of India wriggles along the floor ever so slowly, seeking cover from chairs. He moves L. where the Toff is. The three sailors are R. Sniggers and Albert lean forward. Bill's arm keeps them back. An arm-chair had better conceal them from the Indian. The black Priest nears the Toff. Bill watches to see if any more are coming. Then he leaps forward alone--he has taken his boots off--and knifes the Priest._) (_The Priest tries to shout but Bill's left hand is over his mouth._) (_The Toff continues to read his sporting paper. He never looks around._) BILL (_Sotto voce._) There's only one, Toffy. What shall we do? THE TOFF (_Without turning his head._) Only one? BILL Yes. THE TOFF Wait a moment. Let me think. (_Still apparently absorbed in his paper._) Ah, yes. You go back, Bill. We must attract another guest. . . . Now, are you ready? BILL Yes. THE TOFF All right. You shall now see my demise at my Yorkshire residence. You must receive guests for me. (_He leaps up in full view of the window, flings up both arms and falls to the floor near the dead Priest._) Now, be ready. (_His eyes close._) (_There is a long pause. Again the door opens, very, very slowly. Another priest creeps in. He has three golden spots upon his forehead. He looks round, then he creeps up to his companion and turns him over and looks inside of his clenched hands. Then he looks at the recumbent Toff. Then he creeps toward him. Bill slips after him and knifes him like the other with his left hand over his mouth._) BILL (_Sotto voce._) We've only got two, Toffy. THE TOFF Still another. BILL What'll we do? THE TOFF (_Sitting up._) Hum. BILL This is the best way, much. THE TOFF Out of the question. Never play the same game twice. BILL Why not, Toffy? THE TOFF Doesn't work if you do. BILL Well? THE TOFF I have it, Albert. You will now walk into the room. I showed you how to do it. ALBERT Yes. THE TOFF Just run over here and have a fight at this window with these two men. ALBERT But they're . . . THE TOFF Yes, they're dead, my perspicuous Albert. But Bill and I are going to resuscitate them. . . . Come on. (_Bill picks up a body under the arms._) THE TOFF That's right, Bill. (_Does the same._) Come and help us, Sniggers. . . . (_Sniggers comes._) Keep low, keep low. Wave their arms about, Sniggers. Don't show yourself. Now, Albert, over you go. Our Albert is slain. Back you get, Bill. Back, Sniggers. Still, Albert. Mustn't move when he comes. Not a muscle. (_A face appears at the window and stays for some time. Then the door opens and, looking craftily round, the third Priest enters. He looks at his companions' bodies and turns round. He suspects something. He takes up one of the knives and with a knife in each hand he puts his back to the wall. He looks to the left and right._) THE TOFF Come on, Bill. (_The Priest rushes to the door. The Toff knifes the last Priest from behind._) THE TOFF A good day's work, my friends. BILL Well done, Toffy. Oh, you are a deep one! ALBERT A deep one if ever there was one. SNIGGERS There ain't any more. Bill, are there? THE TOFF No more in the world, my friend. BILL Aye, that's all there are. There were only three in the temple. Three priests and their beastly idol. ALBERT What is it worth, Toffy? Is it worth a thousand pounds? THE TOFF It's worth all they've got in the shop. Worth just whatever we like to ask for it. ALBERT Then we're millionaires now. THE TOFF Yes, and, what is more important, we no longer have any heirs. BILL We'll have to sell it now. ALBERT That won't be easy. It's a pity it isn't small and we had half a dozen. Hadn't the idol any other on him? BILL No, he was green jade all over and only had this one eye. He had it in the middle of his forehead and was a long sight uglier than anything else in the world. SNIGGERS I'm sure we ought all to be very grateful to Toffy. BILL And, indeed, we ought. ALBERT If it hadn't been for him. . . . BILL Yes, if it hadn't been for old Toffy. . . . SNIGGERS He's a deep one. THE TOFF Well, you see I just have a knack of foreseeing things. SNIGGERS I should think you did. BILL Why, I don't suppose anything happens that our Toff doesn't foresee. Does it, Toffy? THE TOFF Well, I don't think it does, Bill. I don't think it often does. BILL Life is no more than just a game of cards to our old Toff. THE TOFF Well, we've taken these fellows' trick. SNIGGERS (_Going to window._) It wouldn't do for any one to see them. THE TOFF Oh, nobody will come this way. We're all alone on a moor. BILL Where will we put them? THE TOFF Bury them in the cellar, but there's no hurry. BILL And what then, Toffy? THE TOFF Why, then we'll go to London and upset the ruby business. We have really come through this job very nicely. BILL I think the first thing that we ought to do is to give a little supper to old Toffy. We'll bury these fellows to-night. ALBERT Yes, let's. SNIGGERS The very thing! BILL And we'll all drink his health. ALBERT Good old Toffy! SNIGGERS He ought to have been a general or a premier. (_They get bottles from cupboard, etc._) THE TOFF Well, we've earned our bit of a supper. (_They sit down._) BILL (_Glass in hand._) Here's to old Toffy, who guessed everything! ALBERT SNIGGERS Good old Toffy! BILL Toffy, who saved our lives and made our fortunes. ALBERT SNIGGERS Hear! Hear! THE TOFF And here's to Bill, who saved me twice to-night. BILL Couldn't have done it but for your cleverness, Toffy. SNIGGERS Hear, hear! Hear! Hear! ALBERT He foresees everything. BILL A speech, Toffy. A speech from our general. ALL Yes, a speech. SNIGGERS A speech. THE TOFF Well, get me some water. This whiskey's too much for my head, and I must keep it clear till our friends are safe in the cellar. BILL Water? Yes, of course. Get him some water, Sniggers. SNIGGERS We don't use water here. Where shall I get it? BILL Outside in the garden. (_Exit Sniggers._) ALBERT Here's to future! BILL Here's to Albert Thomas, Esquire. ALBERT And William Jones, Esquire. (_Re-enter Sniggers, terrified._) THE TOFF Hullo, here's Jacob Smith, Esquire, J. P., alias Sniggers, back again. SNIGGERS Toffy, I've been thinking about my share in that ruby. I don't want it, Toffy; I don't want it. THE TOFF Nonsense, Sniggers. Nonsense. SNIGGERS You shall have it, Toffy, you shall have it yourself, only say Sniggers has no share in this 'ere ruby. Say it, Toffy, say it! BILL Want to turn informer, Sniggers? SNIGGERS No, no. Only I don't want the ruby, Toffy. . . . THE TOFF No more nonsense, Sniggers. We're all in together in this. If one hangs, we all hang; but they won't outwit me. Besides, it's not a hanging affair, they had their knives. SNIGGERS Toffy, Toffy, I always treated you fair, Toffy. I was always one to say, Give Toffy a chance. Take back my share, Toffy. THE TOFF What's the matter? What are you driving at? SNIGGERS Take it back, Toffy. THE TOFF Answer me, what are you up to? SNIGGERS I don't want my share any more. BILL Have you seen the police? (_Albert pulls out his knife._) THE TOFF No, no knives, Albert. ALBERT What then? THE TOFF The honest truth in open court, barring the ruby. We were attacked. SNIGGERS There's no police. THE TOFF Well, then, what's the matter? BILL Out with it. SNIGGERS I swear to God. . . . ALBERT Well? THE TOFF Don't interrupt. SNIGGERS I swear I saw something _what I didn't like_. THE TOFF What you didn't like? SNIGGERS (_In tears._) O Toffy, Toffy, take it back. Take my share. Say you take it. THE TOFF What has he seen? (_Dead silence, only broken by Sniggers's sobs. Then steps are heard. Enter a hideous idol. It is blind and gropes its way. It gropes its way to the ruby and picks it up and screws it into a socket in the forehead. Sniggers still weeps softly, the rest stare in horror. The idol steps out, not groping. Its steps move off, then stop._) THE TOFF O, great heavens! ALBERT (_In a childish, plaintive voice._) What is it, Toffy? BILL Albert, it is that obscene idol (_in a whisper_) come from India. ALBERT It is gone. BILL It has taken its eye. SNIGGERS We are saved. A VOICE OFF (_With outlandish accent._) Meestaire William Jones, Able Seaman. (_The Toff has never spoken, never moved. He only gazes stupidly in horror._) BILL Albert, Albert, what is this? (_He rises and walks out. One moan is heard. Sniggers goes to the window. He falls back sickly._) ALBERT (_In a whisper._) What has happened? SNIGGERS I have seen it. I have seen it. O, I have seen it! (_He returns to table._) THE TOFF (_Laying his hand very gently on Sniggers's arm, speaking softly and winningly._) What was it, Sniggers? SNIGGERS I have seen it. ALBERT What? SNIGGERS O! VOICE Meestaire Albert Thomas, Able Seaman. ALBERT Must I go, Toffy? Toffy, must I go? SNIGGERS (_Clutching him._) Don't move. ALBERT (_Going._) Toffy, Toffy. (_Exit._) VOICE Meestaire Jacob Smith, Able Seaman. SNIGGERS I can't go, Toffy. I can't go. I can't do it. (_He goes._) VOICE Meestaire Arnold Everett Scott-Fortescue, late Esquire, Able Seaman. THE TOFF I did not foresee it. (_Exit._) CURTAIN [End of _A Night at an Inn_ by Lord Dunsany]